Have you ever had a person that was a big part of your life, and then all of the sudden they’re not in it at all? Not only does it hurt that you never see them, but it hurts more that it didn’t have to be this way, that it all could be prevented by their choice? They chose not to do anything to stop it, like it’s what they wanted? Well, I definitely know how that feels.
Melissa was (and still is) my biological mother. Every night, she would help me brush my teeth, help tuck me in bed at night, help cut up my spaghetti noodles so I wouldn’t make a mess, help do my hair every morning, help me take my baths. She was my life, my best friend. As I was growing older, I realized things in my parents’ lives that rather upset me. I realized that they fought a lot, though most of it happened while I was sleeping, or trying to rather. It wasn’t just verbal fighting, it was physical. Every night I would wake up to their fighting and come running out to try to help save the day, the little 5 year old I was. One night, I woke up and came out to see my biological father, Mike, pick up a full Pepsi can, and throw it at my mommy. Let me tell you, that didn’t make me very happy. She was my best friend after all, and it didn’t thrill me to see her get hurt. Of course, Mike stormed out of the house as he always did, threatening to leave forever (but he always came back).
One thing I do respect about Melissa was that every time he would leave, she would always blame it on herself. She would always say it was all her fault. I never believed it; I knew it was usually him. I never understood why she always took the blame and I can’t say I understand it now…
There are so many times I wish I could have back. Times like riding my first two wheeler, playing dress up with Mommy and always making her look beautiful, or bed time stories. The list goes on and on. I miss those intimate times together, when she truly loved me, or so I thought.
One day, getting ready to head out of the school, going home, the nurse called me into her office. I follow obediently, and she tells me I wasn’t going home with my Mommy and Daddy. I start to get really upset and scared, of course. I wait for Bubby and Sissy to come in, to tell me it wasn’t true, that we were in fact going home. They never did. I remember looking into both of their eyes and seeing fear, they tried to hide it but I could see it. They were trying to be strong for me.
Next thing I know, I’m being moved into a house that is strangely foreign to me, with people that were unfamiliar to my eyes, people that I had never met before. They tell me we’re going to stay here for a bit, that this was going to be our new home for a while. “Why?” was my question, just why? Nobody would tell me. Why couldn’t I be with Mommy and Daddy? Why do I have to live in the strange place, with these strange people?
Soon after, we were able to have visitations with them, my biological parents that is. They blamed it all on the family I was staying at. I wasn’t supposed to like it there because they were bad people, people who said they loved me but really didn’t. Later was I to find out, they had it backwards. Of course, being the little obedient 7 year old I was, I tried my hardest not to like them. But being the amazing family they were, it wasn’t coming very easily. They were some of the best people I had ever met, how was I supposed to not like them? But I still persisted and tried my best.
As time went on, I started to realize what was going on, why I had to be in this strange place and why I wasn’t allowed to be with my biological parents. It was their entire fault, my biological parents that is. They were the ones who were in the wrong. They were the ones who were bad people that said they loved me but didn’t really mean it.
Next thing I knew, I wasn’t allowed to see them, not until I turned 18. Eight years away seemed like a life time to me. Soon after, was adopted by the strange, but wonderful family called the Fulps. Wanda Fulp and Daryl Fulp, they were my heroes. They were the two people that forever changed my life. They picked me up from where I was, helped brushed me off, helped cleaned out as much of the deep wounds that was humanly possibly, and God did the rest. Not only that, but they also introduced me to the best person ever, and His name is Jesus Christ. He helped bandage me up, and showed me what TRUE love is. I had only known the fake love of my biological parents, the love they so easily traded away for the lusts of this world. He showed me a love that could never be traded, that would go on forever, a love that was never ending.
I’m now 17, and I’ve gotten to that point where I’m realizing all that God carried me through. Even though I didn’t have a relationship with Him yet, He still picked me up and carried me through the hard times. He was there to hold me when my parents weren’t. He was there to be my friend when I felt all alone. When I was going through the biggest transitions of my life, the times I felt like God was just being mean to me because He could, it was all for the best. It’s like when you’re doing a maze, you can’t just look at the place you are and find your way to the finish line. You have to be able to see the big picture, to see the right way to go in spite of all the wrong ones. Since we’re only humans and we can’t see the big picture, we need to trust God to guide us through the maze of our lives. He knows the way to go, and even when we feel like He’s leading us the wrong way, we have to have the faith and the endurance it takes to finish. As soon as we stop trusting Him, we go down the wrong path and hit the wall. But as soon as we trust Him to lead us again, he leads us back to the right path and will continue to lead us until we go astray again. Then He’ll have to lead us back again.
The most amazing thing about grace is that no matter how many times we mess up, He is always willing to forgive us. No matter how many times we choose to go down the wrong path, He’s always right there; ready to lead us back again. We just have trust Him that He knows what He’s doing and has everything under control. I think that’s what I tend to struggle with the most; trusting that He knows why He’s calling us. Even though it might be scary, He will never call you somewhere without the means and the ability to do it. If He’s calling you to go to a foreign country and you’re afraid of what you might need while you’re there, He will ALWAYS provide it for you!
God has guided me through everything in my life, and still I struggle to trust Him with the next big thing in my life, just like the Israelites. No matter all the amazing and incredible things God helped them through, they often lost faith and didn’t trust that He would provide everything they needed. So many times we condone them and make fun of them because of their little faith, but do we ever look at our own situations and realize it’s exactly the same thing? Maybe God hasn’t parted the Red Sea right in front of you, but I guarantee He’s done big miracles for you that you don’t even realize. And now you can’t even trust Him with the next step in your own life. Stop trying to pluck out the splinter in other people’s eyes and focus on the log that’s in yours! (I’m referring to myself when saying all this.) God asks us to have faith in Him and to be fearless. Do we really?
Having faith won’t always be easy. It’s really hard stuff. Like that Taylor Swift quote: "Being fearless isn't being 100% unafraid, it's being terrified but you jump anyway..." God will take care of us! He knows exactly where He’s leading you. He has a reason for bringing you through all that He has; you just can’t see it yet. So in the mean time, while you’re figuring it out, think about all the things you’ve been through. See how God’s hand has been with you! I never would’ve imagined that God would take me out of my home and put me in a new one. If He hadn’t, I would’ve missed out on moving to Guatemala with my family. I would’ve missed the call that God has on my life. Now because of Him, I’m going to be able to go out into the world and make a difference. I’m going to help people who are in the greatest need. And because my Wonderful God has blessed me so much, I’m going to be sharing with the people the great love He has for them too!
So instead of giving up and being mad at God, have a little faith. Be patient. He’ll show you the purpose of your life. He’ll show you the reason He created you. The question is: Are you willing to follow Him to what He has in store for you in the future?
