I've been struggling because I have been fixed on myself. I know that God has called me to Africa.. I KNOW that I have to go. I know that He is calling me to do incredible work in my future. But I've been fixed on what I want and can't have as opposed to what I will have and what He will give me in the future. I am scared to death of leaving my family. I am so scared to live on my own. I'm so scared of being alone. And I don't want to leave Guatemala. It is the most beautiful place I've ever been, and it's hard imagining that someday in the not-too-distant future I'll have to leave it.
I haven't wanted to persue my goals of going to Uganda. I haven't wanted to look into ministries that I can help out with. I haven't wanted to focus on anything but myself. I know that is wrong. Last night, God really showed me how wrong that was.
To be a disciple of Jesus Christ, we are to fix our eyes on our God, and do whatever He asks of us, no matter the cost to ourselves. Because to be a disciple, God tells us that we need to give EVERYTHING we are and have to Him and we need to follow wherever He leads us.
And though I haven't remembered this in recent weeks, God has continued to teach me farther still. Last night I got the priviledge of talking to one of my best friends in the whole world that lives back in the states. I told him that I was having a hard time.. and that I didn't need to talk about it necessarily, but I just needed some encouragement and happiness that he never fails to bring me. He told me he would do his best at making good "small talk." Ha. He is one of the wisest and happiest people I know (especially considering his age..) and he helped me to see this beautiful analogy (pun intended):
"Its Autumn here as you know, and the leaves are changing. In our back yard we have a tree by the fence by the neighbors yard. With the leaves turned orange they fell and made a pile. Even though the tree, (which is truly goregous btw) lost most of all its leaves, it's still a tree. (a duh moment but bare with me.) Every tree (evergreens excluded) loses its leaves for a time and for a time it is pretty.
In its time it is beautiful.
But it is always a tree and loses none of its "treeness" value, purpose, or identity.
we all have our autumns
When the Beauty, or wonder leaves us (no pun intended) for a time of nakednesss and lifelessness.
The joy comes with the morning..."
What hope this brought to me! Even though I have been fixiated on my own wants and desires and the hard time I was going through, it'll only be for a season. Maybe my life at this very moment isn't as beautiful-seeming as the time before or the time to come, but there is still hope that it will be beautiful again.
And God continued to take it a step farther this morning while reading my Bible..
Like I said, God calls us to be HIS disciples, to give HIM everything we have and are.. because only then, when we're completely and fully surrendered to HIM, can we truly do what He has called and is calling us to do.
And sometimes we get caught up on what we want, what we think is best for us and we forget that HE knows what is best for us. And we keep adding all kinds of leaves ourselves and our tree gets more full of our own leaves than HIS. And then is when HE has to strip us of our leaves. When He has to strip us to the very core until we are stripped of all of what we want. Because HE can't add HIS leaves to our lives until we are stripped of our own. Only when we are completely broken of who we are, only when we have nothing left to hold onto except HIS saving hand can we really grow to be the men and women of GOD He calls us to be.
And sometimes it takes longer for us to strip of our own leaves than others.. because we may have some that we try to hold onto tighter than others.. But it is only by HIS saving grace that we can let go of those leaves and cling to HIS.
And it is only when we let go of our own little worlds that we can look around beyond ourselves and see the needs of others. Only when we are stripped of our pride can we look to others and truly see the real needs.I've been so selfish and stuck in my own little world, that I have failed to see the need around me. I have failed to remember that I have it off so much better than others, and that God has blessed me with SO MUCH!
But last night God woke me up and told me to stop being so selfish. He showed me this picture, and I remembered what really matters in life.
And the caption read: "It is important to be reminded that our wants are much less important than our needs and the needs of others.."
It helped me to remember that my wants and desires are sooo much smaller than the needs of others. It helped me to be able to put things in perspective. God has blessed me with so much that I may be able to help others.
Luke 12:48 says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."
I am to give up who I want to be, so I can become who HE wants me to be. I am to give up everything that I want so I can cling to HIS perfect plan for me. I am to fix my eyes on HIM so HE can show me what really matters in this life that HE has given me. I am to live outside of my own little world. I am to give my desires to HIM because what I am losing doesn't even compare to what I will be gaining in the grand scheme of things.
Hebrews 12:1-3 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Though right now may be a season of no leaves, soon God will fill me with new leaves that will be more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine or dream. He is truly GOOD in ALL that HE does. HE never, EVER fails.
So while I'm still not sure what all God's gonna do in my life when I get to Uganda, I trust that He is good. I am seeking HIM with all that I am that He may show me what I should do. I am emptying myself of me and filling myself with HIM. Because it is only when I am completely, utterly, undoubtably, unmistakenly, and wholly HIS that I can be all who HE is calling me to be.
