Surely, I don't deserve to be in this place again. Surely He(the incredible, awesome, beautiful and amazing God that I get to serve) is sitting here, with me. He has chosen me to love, to lavish such amazing gifts on, to get to know, and He has chosen me to be a part of His story. Broken, small, inadequate me. He chooses me to love, to teach, to adore, to take time and care about. He has chosen me to hear His voice. And I am so humbled and broken, yet filled with peace and joy.
He has shown me that He has been faithful all along. He has been there with me every step of the way until now, He's here in the steps that I am taking now and He will be there in the steps I will take later. He has shown to me unconditional love, undying faithfulness, extravagant hope, and never-ending grace even before I could understand it and even before I would learn about who He was(and still is). And to even try to explain it all would be nearly impossible, but I'll try my best to explain and to remember..
[My biological father's name is Mike, my biological mom's name is Melissa, and my brother and sister are Ashley and Michael]
A little girl with not a care in the world, 5 years old. The biggest hurdle to get over in life was to figure out how to make that stupid 2-wheeler bike stand up straight while riding it. They said that it's possible, but I was pretty sure it wasn't. But with the help of my hero/best friend/mommy, I somehow got it to work and I rode around the block all by myself (well, with my older brother following very slowly behind me to make sure I didn't get lost..). I thought I could handle anything that the world would throw at me.
Just a couple months later, a little confused, but with a little more courage. I woke up(like every night) to Mommy and Daddy fighting. If he says he loves her, why did he always scream at her and hit her and throw stuff at her? She was my best friend and best friends stick up for each other, right? So I ran out as fast as I could with the meanest face I could scrunch, and with the most courage mustered up in me to try and save the day. Just as I entered the room, Mike(biological dad) picked up a full Pepsi can and threw it at her. He had no right to treat her that way. So I tried to put him in his place as best I knew how. I stood right in front of her, with my arms and legs spread as high and big as I knew how (trying to protect her)to try to make him stop. and I kept yelling "STOP! STOP! STOP IT!" And like always, he looked at me with such anger and fire in his eyes and yelled "FINE! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back!" He slammed the door with all his might and screeched his stupid car as loud as he could as he drove away. I turned around and assured my mommy that it was okay and she didn't need to cry and I wiped away her tears. "Everything will be okay. You'll see." And I hugged her till she made me go back to bed and told me that I shouldn't be up so late because I had school in the morning.
Then, a year older, I had seen a lot and was learning a lot. School had been dismissed, but they told me I couldn't go home. So we waited and waited and waited. Finally they let us go home with our cousins and told us it would be six months before we could see our daddy and even longer before we would see our mommy because they went to a place called "prison." Ashley and I stayed with our cousins and Michael stayed with our aunt and uncle who lived next door. That night we awkwardly and quitely ate dinner with them, took our baths and fell asleep watching cartoons on the fold-out bed on the couch. I could tell it would be a long six months.
A couple months later and it was my birthday and I was turning six. Lee and Karen(my cousins) asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told them barbies to play with, but what I really wanted was my mommy and daddy. I was growing up to be such a big girl and thought I could handle things on my own and I wanted them to see it. But since they couldn't, Lee and Karen bought me the barbies and made the day as special as they could.
FInally the six months were up and I got to see my daddy. He stayed with my aunt, uncle and brother for a while and then we moved in with one of his guy friends, Kelly. And after what seemed like a lifetime, I finally got to see my mommy.. It had been 13 months since I had seen her. That day I could hardly believe she was standing in front of me. Such a long time had passed. I had been without my mommy for so long that I had almost forgotten what it was like to have one. I cried because she was finally there, finally holding me, finally whispering that she loved me. We got a house to rent for a few months, and it seemed as though we were happy and everything was okay..
Seven years old and confused, but I was still feeling like I could handle anything. After school dismissed one day, I was called into the nurse's clinic and came to find that my brother Michael and my sister Ashley were in there, waiting for me. The school nurse and principal began to explain to me that I couldn't go home with Mommy and Daddy anymore because they went to prison.. again. I was going to be put in a thing called "foster care" and was supposed to live with a family I didn't know. They told me I was going to be there for a little while until "things were figured out." I looked up at Bubby and Sissy and waited for them to tell me that these people were wrong. I wanted them to tell me that we could go home and be with Mommy and Daddy, but they didn't. I looked into their eyes and I saw fear. They tried to hide it and be strong for me, but I could see it.
The next thing I knew, we were being introduced to our foster mom, Coleen. All three of us were together for a week. And during that week, we went to a small group with other people from the new church we were going to attend. Little did I know, some of those people would soon become such a huge part of me.
The foster family said they couldn't take all three of us, so they kept our brother, and Ashley and I went to one of the families we met at the small group. They were the Fulp family. They took us in and loved us unconditionally. They were there for us and they taught us of the love of Jesus.
I was still seven, scarred, scared, and confused. Visitations with my biological parents started once a week for 2 hours. Every time we would see them, they would tell us they loved us, everything would soon go back to normal, we would be happy again, and that everything was the fault of our foster families. Naiive little me bought those lies. Trying to be an obediant 7 year old, I tried not to like my foster family. I tried to be unhappy and I tried to do as my biological parents told me. But because this foster family was so different and so amazing, I couldn't. My love for them only grew.
Then I was 10 years old, and had had off and on visitations with my biological parents. One night, foster Mom and Dad took Ashley and me up into our room. They explained to us that we would no longer see our biological parents. Mike and Melissa no longer had rights to visitations. We wouldn't be allowed to see them or have any other contact with them until we turned 18. Eighteen. That would be 8 long years away for me. Hurt, confused, angry, betrayed, lost, and scared, I was expected to live with this. I wouldn't get to just wake up and realize it was just a dream. I couldn't change Mike and Melissa's(my biological parents) choices. I couldn't make them choose to love me instead of their sin. I couldn't change what they had done and I couldn't give them a second chance.
Even though I had known God ever since I had first moved in with my foster family, I was angry at Him. Why would He do this to me? How was this fair? What did I do to deserve all this pain and hurt and betrayal? Why wasn't I good enough for my biological parents? Was there anything I could have done to make them love me more? So many questions, so many emotions, so much confusion rushed through me.
So for a few months, I was angry. I felt worthless and completely alone. Though I had my sister living with me, and though I had an amazing foster family, I still felt this way. If my biological parents didn't love me enough and didn't choose me, how could anyone else?
I cannot thank God enough for the amazing new family He had and has blessed me with. They were there for me and they held me when Mike and Melissa weren't there to. They told me they loved me, they took care of me; they were there. And they introduced me to the most incredible person I have ever known, my Jesus. They showed me real love that I had never known before.
During those few months, God made Himself more real to me. He made me realize that He had done all of that for a reason. He did that to give me such a wonderful and beautiful gift; my new family. During dinner one night, I asked Mom and Dad if we could be adopted and, to my surprise, they said they had already begun the process. I was no longer angry with God, I was so thankful.
Then when I was eleven, still small, still learning, still confused and still dealing with wounds that were trying to become scars, November 1st, 2004 was adoption day. We all went to the court house to make it official. All our friends and new family were there. We completely filled the courtroom, and many people had to stand in the back. The judge asked if each person would introduce themselves and tell how they are related to mine and Ashley's lives. I was so overwhelmed by how many people were there for me. THAT is why God "did this to me." Because He had a bigger, better plan for me. After the courthouse, everyone went back to our church and we had a HUGE party. And my Daddy sang Ashley and me a song he had written for us. My heart was so full.
Even though I was adopted and even though I was starting to grow in my relationship with God, I still struggled with anger and hurt towards my biological parents. For years I struggled with self-worth and insecurity. For years I had wounds that took a very, very long time to heal. And they healed only by the grace of God that helped(and still is helping) me.
When I was 13, we adopted our sister from Korea who has cerebral palsy. And our eyes were opened to the great need of orphans. We learned that there were 143 million children in the world without families. So we partnered with a ministry who places kids into Christian homes and we eventually started our own ministry. We were speaking on behalf of these orphans because no one else was.
And through this ministry, we found our brother Joshua(from China) who has spina bifita and our brother Jonathan(from Guatemala) who had a heart murmer and were both in need of homes. God asked us to bring them home and so we did. And while my parents were here, in Guatemala adopting Jonathan, they fell in love with the country and saw the real need first-hand. My dad started leading teams down here, and a little while later, God asked us to move here.
One year, Carissa and I went to a Christian summer camp that we used to go to every year and God really spoke to me. He showed me that it doesn't matter what happened with my biological parents. It wasn't my fault. There wasn't anything that I could've done to make them love me more and choose me. God showed me that they had never been shown the very love they didn't show to me. They didn't understand what real love meant, so they were looking to the world to fill their hearts and make them happy. So I began to pray for them. And God was giving me a love for them that I never had before. God was teaching me forgiveness. And that was a huge step in healing up my scars.
But when I was about 15 or 16, God started putting a passion in me to go to Africa. A pastor from Uganda had come to our church in the states and told about the needs there. He was asking for help. There were so many people without homes and food. There was (and still is) SO much need. And at that same time, I became aware of a 20 year old girl who had literally given everything up to move to Uganda, Africa and do as much as she could there. She is a single mother of 13 girls and is the founder of Amazima Ministries. So becoming aware of the need, God began to put a passion in me to go there and help out myself. God put in my heart a passion for rural ministry, work that I would have to get my hands dirty, literally.
So when we decided we were going to move to Guatemala, I thought it would be like a pit-stop. I felt God was not calling me to go to college, even though I always thought I would go. I felt htat I shouldn't go because much of what I would learn there wouldn't be relevant or applicable for what I would be doing in Uganda. Most of what I would be learning is how to do things in a hospital, how to fill out paper work, and how to work machines. I realized that I could learn first-hand in the ministry we would be doing here, in Guatemala, in the rural villages. And then when I felt I was ready and God was calling me, I would move to Africa and start my own ministry there.
During the move to come here, to Guatemala, God taught me and my family so much. Giving up literally almost everything we had and saying good-bye to everyone we've ever known was SO hard. But we truly believed and still do believe that when Jesus said that in order to be His disciple, we had to give everything we have, He meant it.
Luke 14:25-27;33:
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life- he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."
After moving here, I fell in love with the people and the culture. I began to want to stay here for many reasons. And I half-expected and hoped that God would change His mind about Africa because I wanted to stay here. I LOVE it here. I wanted Him to change His plans for me because my desire was to stay here, forever. I began to develop all these dreams here, and I didn't want to go to Uganda. I didn't want to do that kind of ministry there.
I also didn't want to go because I am SO scared to leave home. I'm so scared to leave my Mommy and Daddy, I'm afraid to leave my best friends(my sisters), and I am so scared of being alone. I know that I am weak and I can't accomplish anything on my own. And knowing that, I was afraid. So for a while, I focused only on what I wanted and not on what God wanted.
And in the last couple months, God has been breaking me of my wants and desires. He has been stripping me of my dreams for me so that I can have His dreams. So the last few months for me have been ones of brokenness. They have been ones of me clinging to God for help and begging Him to fill me. Because I can't do this on my own. He has been using many circumstances in my life to strengthen my faith in Him. He has been using this season of rain to draw me closer to Him. And though it's painful, it's beautful. Because I am experiencing God in so many new ways. He is putting His passions in my heart. He is restoring my want to go to Uganda to help out. He is filling me with His deep love and I hope that it's starting to over-flow and spill out for others to see.
Especially in this last year, God has done a lot on my heart as far as love. He has taught me more about His love that He has for me and for everyone else. And as He was teaching me, He reminded me of all that He did for me because He loved and still loves me. He died for me. He gave His very life for me, even though I fail Him every single day. I don't show Him the love He deserves, and I don't always choose Him over what I want to do. And that is no different than what my biological parents did to me.
So in my brokenness, while He was showing me all this, I begged Him to somehow show His love to them. I begged Him to change their hearts and for them to come to know Him. And I told Him that if there was anything I could do(even though I'm in Guatemala), I would do it. Because they deserve to know His love just as much as anyone else does.
In December of this past year, I actually found my biological mother, Melissa on Facebook. Though I am scared and have no idea where this is going to go, though I have no idea how to make this relationship work, and everytime she responds to me I have to beg God to tell me what to say because I just don't know, I have peace. Because I know this is what He has asked me to do. He has called me to show Melissa an amazing love she has never known. He has asked me to be for her the very thing I needed her to be all those years when I felt lost and alone. I have peace because I know this is where He has called me to be. And in a message I told her,
"I love you too. With a love that is inexpressible because God put it there in me. I love you with His love. I have loved you all this time, even when it was hard. Because I believed and still do believe that He is good and therefore it is good.. Even though I spent all that time wondering how in the world this was supposed to bring God glory, I understand now."
So even though I still have so many questions and so many fears, I have peace. Because I know He has a purpose for it all. He has been everything I have ever needed, so I know He'll be all I will need in the future. His love is far bigger than I can even comprehend and He is in control of everything and knows exactly what He is doing. I praise Him for this point of brokenness, this point of surrender. Because it is in this brokenness, He is drawing me closer to Him, closer to Him than I have ever been. I am at a point where I need Him and only Him. Because without Him holding my hand, I can't do it.
I am so thankful for His grace and His love and His peace that He gives. I am so thankful that He helped me all these years and I'm thankful that I can trust Him with anything. Because I know that in everything He does, He has a purpose. Even though I may not understand it right now, He has given me faith to know that He has everything under control.
Romans 8:28 says:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
He is good and therefore it is good.
I told Melissa that I'll follow Him wherever He leads me. I surrender all that I am to Him because He deserves it.
And she replied with, "People fear giving it all to him. Why? Because they are afraid of what they cant see or touch. They only give in to what they know or have known. So giving into something new and with everything seems so difficult to many. Trusting is the next hardest thing to do."
And I told her, "The truth is, I fear giving it all to Him. I am afraid of what I can't see or touch. I'm afraid to get out of my comfort zone and do something new. Sometimes it is hard to trust.
It's a fight every morning when I get up. It's me taking my cross up daily. Somedays I'm better at it than others.
But more than the fear, more than the pain it causes, I know that God is good. He has proven faithful every single step He's helped me take until this point, so I know He'll be faithful in the future. His peace that He gives when you're in His Will is overwhelming.. and indescribable.
...and that is the whole point of faith.
Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Faith is when you trust Him even though you're scared and even though you don't know what is to come. Faith is when you trust Him anyway, knowing that He is good, even through the pain and the hard.
And the more faith you have in Him, the more adventurous the ride gets. Because He'll take you places you never thought you could go. It's hard and scarey, but it's beautiful."
I don't know what all you have been through. I don't know what your stories look like. I don't know how you've become who you are today. And I won't claim to or pretend to.
Though I can't promise that you will get everything you want in life, I promise that if you give your life to Him, He will help you. I promise that He will never leave your side because HE created you and He loves you. I can only promise that if you love God with all your heart and do all that you can to serve HIm, you will have such joy in your heart and He will show you an incredible love that you've never known before. And in times of trouble, He never promises that He will take you out of it, but He promises that He will help you through it. He will teach you that He is good, therefore it is good. You just have to empty yourself of you so that you can be filled with Him.
