Today I sit here, in awe and I'm speachless in front of my amazing God. I don't understand why He has chosen me, and nor will I even try. Because I know that as hard as I may try, I will never understand. Not that He has chosen me to do anything great in this moment,  but I don't understand why I get to be a part of His great story. I don't understand why He gives me His love unconditionally and I don't understand how He could never give up on me. But I am thankful. I am thankful that no matter what I do, no matter what I struggle to give up, He is still there for me, waiting with open arms. He is there for me. Always. And I can't even fathom it. But like I said, I am thankful.

The last few months, I've struggled. I've struggled to let go of my own will, of what I want, and cling to His precious hand. I've struggled to hear His voice over the voice of the one who wants to destroy me. I wish I could say that I chose to listen His voice, but if I did, it wouldn't be true. The last few months, I listened to the lie of the enemy that I know what's best for me. I know what I need, I know what will ultimately make me happy. But like I said, that was just a big fat lie.

To this very moment, I'm struggling to hold on to His saving hand.. I'm struggling to remember that He knows what is best for me. I'm struggling to remember that He is good no matter what. I'm struggling to let go of my desires and cling to His..

I most definitely do not understand why God does the things that He does. I can't even imagine His great story that He has for me, for all of us... And sometimes it's really hard to see things from  His perspective, simply because He is far too complex and too big for my small, insignificant imagination.

But as I sit here, fighting myself to do what is what He wants me to do, I remember that He is good. He has never EVER failed me before. And He has promised me that He will never fail me in the future. Though all of this is happening now, and though it doesn't make sense to me, I can trust that He knows what He is doing.

A long time ago when I was a little girl, and I was ripped away from my biological family's arms and placed into a stranger's home, I never could've imagined why God would do such a thing to me... I know I didn't yet have a relationship with Him at the time, I still didn't understand all that was happening... But now that I can look back on it, now that it is all done and over, I can see that He knew what was best. I can see how His great hand held me through it all,  and I can see that that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.. even though at the time it felt like it was the most horrible thing that could ever happen.
So now when I look all around me, I feel like I know what is best for me. But (like always...) I am wrong. He knows what is good for me. He knows what will ultimately make me the happiest. He knows what will in the end bring Him the most glory. And that is all that matters. I must trust in His perfect, flawless plan because He knows what He is doing.

I know that it will only be a matter of time that I will forget all that I'm learning now... I will fail in trusting Him. But for now, I am trying to cling to His goodness, to what He has planned for me because I know that on my own, I am not enough. And while I'm trying to remember all this, I sit in His loving arms trying to find His peace, with my heart about to burst out of my chest. Closing my eyes because if I look around again at the mess I've made, I just might completely fall apart. I'm trying to trust Him to hold me together, because on my own, I can't do it because I am nothing.
So I ask for your prayers that I will trust in Him who never fails... and I will pray the same for all of you..