Learning to walk

One Saturday night, I was walking around the beautiful courtyard at the McDonalds in Antigua, holding tightly to the little hands of Vanessa(my youth pastor's 11 month old little girl). I absolutely love babies and little kids(especially THAT little one ;)), so it was a blast to go with her as she practiced her walking. And as we were walking together, God showed me something..

Her tiny little fingers holding onto my big ones, her little white shoes walking between my long brown ones, her soft little voice giggling with my obnoxiously loud one amazed me. She is so small, and it made me seem so big.

Each half-step I took was like 3 steps for her little legs. She was constantly trying to keep up with me on our journey around the courtyard. But because she has tiny little legs, her feet kept getting tangled up behind. So every few steps I'd have to stand there and hold her up until she untangled them and put them back in the right places. Then we could begin walking. But sooner than I'd realize she'd get all tangled up again, so I'd have to wait for her to get right. And so the cycle went on and on.
She's new at this whole walking thing, so she's learning as she goes. And though she just kept almost falling, she kept trying because she knew I was there to catch her everytime she almost fell. She knew I wouldn't let her fall because I was there for her, holding her up, ready to catch her.
And even though she's so small and even though she's still new at it and is still learning how to get it right, a couple times she thought she could do it alone. A couple times she tried to let go of my hand; she tried to be a big girl and do it by herself. But of course [because she can't do it on her own] she almost crashed. But each time I was prepared and I knew what she was going to do. So each time she tried to let go, I was there to pick her back up, to put her back on her feet, to help her try again. She is not yet ready to walk on her own, she doesn't know how to balance herself and she doesn't have the coordination just yet to take each step carefully and accurately. She needs someone to be there with her and show her how it is done.
After a couple times of failing, she realized she couldn't do it on her own. She clung so tightly to me for the rest of the walk until we looped back around to the table and sat with Mommy Katie and took a little rest.
But my time with Vanessa wasn't about the walking. It wasn't about making sure we made a complete loop around the McDonalds courtyard and a stop at the fountain and gaze at the statue turtles. It was about spending time with Vanessa. I wanted to laugh with her, to teach her a few things, to get to know her. I love my special time with her, I love her.

Little Vanessa is just like me in my walk with God. My hands are so small compared to His, my feet insignificant next to His, and my voice so much smaller than His and it's unbelievable. I am always trying to keep up with Him on this journey. His leaps are so much bigger and quicker than I'm ready to take, so I'm always left in a tangled mess, constantly scrambling to grab and take hold of whatever I can, having to be straightened out by Him.
And even though I'm still learning, even though I'm not ready and I can't do it on my own, I try letting go. I try being a big girl and I try to do it all by myself. But I always end up almost crashing, and sometimes I do fall and even end up with scraped knees. But God always knows when I'm getting ready to let go, so He's always ready to help me back up, to brush me off, to put my feet where they need to be so we can keep moving forward. He doesn't force me to stay with Him in His arms.. Sometimes He lets me go. Because it is only when I experience life without Him that I can realize how much I truly need Him right by my side, holding me in every step I take. Without my Jesus, I am nothing and I can't make it on my own.

The ugly thing about the falling is that sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I blame God that I can't do it myself. Sometimes I focus so hard on why I can't have what I want that I lose grip of reality. Sometimes I want to just throw my hands up in the air because I have fallen yet again and I might as well just say down there because there is no hope, I will never be able to do it. Sometimes I let my frustration grow so big that He leaves me there until I can come to grips.. until I have bled enough that I realize He is my only hope in making it stop.

But the beautiful thing about the falling is when He picks me up again. Even though He has every right to and [in my eyes] should've left me there a thousand times ago, He helps me anyways. He still chooses to give me another chance. He still loves me and He wants to help me try it again.

But I don't learn like Vanessa. After falling all the way down so many times, after trying it all by myself, after learning the hard way that I can't do this without Him, I still do it anyways. Time after countless time I try to let go. And time after countless time it ends up the same way. I always end up with skinned knees, dirty hands, and sometimes a bump on my forehead. It always ends up with me broken, hurt, and begging Him to help me up again because without Him I am nothing. And each time He gladly takes me by the hand, brushes me off, and begins walking again.

It's so frustrating and ironic when I choose to wallow in self-pity instead of running into God's arms. Because needing God is the beauty of it. THAT is the amazing part of this ride. Being able to trust that He is perfect and good and beautiful and that HE will help carry me to His will for me is the incredible part. Knowing that I need Him and knowing that He will give me everything I will ever need and knowing that He will help carry me through is the amazing part. Spending time with Him, getting to know Him, holding His hand, and laughing through life WITH Him makes it all worth it. Being together and walking hand-in-hand with my Daddy is FUN. THAT is the most amazing part. This life is not about the journey or the steps you take. I mean, those things are important.. but this life is about learning who Jesus is, spending time with Him and getting to know Him. Our eyes should constantly be on Him as He leads us through. Because above all else, we are to LOVE our Jesus because He loves us.

How could I ever forget that?

Vanessa will grow up to be an amazing little girl. She'll learn how to do it on her own, she'll be able to be a big girl and do the steps all by herself. In many, many years she grow to be a mature young lady, have her own family and have her own little one to teach how to walk.
But I will always be this little girl. I will always need the help of my Daddy holding me up as I take these steps in life. I won't ever be able to do this on my own.
But hopefully as I grow, the stumbling will lessen, and the not trusting will stop. Hopefully someday I will learn to not let go. Because it is so amazing to know that He will ALWAYS be there and that I am ALWAYS welcome in His arms. He is ALWAYS everything I will ever need, even when I think I don't need Him. As I grow in this walk with Him, He will never let go of my hand.
He will always walk with me, even through the hard and the difficult and the impossible. Because I am His little girl and He likes spending time with me. He likes teaching me the steps, He likes showing me how to do it. He likes being bigger than me, with the longer leaps, the booming and over-powering voice. He likes picking me up and dusting me off. Because each time He does it, He gets to show how faithful He is. I am able to trust Him a little more. And each time He picks me up again, I cling to Him a little tighter than the time before. My Daddy will never, ever fail me. I never, ever have to do this on my own because He loves me. And because He is the God of second, third, fourth, and fifth chances.

Almost 2,000 years ago, it was the darkest night Jesus' disciples had ever known. After spending nearly 3 years with this incredible person, learning from His teachings, watching His miracles, and experiencing His extravagant love, it came to an end. Jesus had told them this day was coming.
The Jesus that first called them, who healed the sick, who spoke mostly through wisdom-packed parables, who handed out food for 5,000 and then 4,000 people, the One who walked on water, who demanded EVERYTHING of them and the One to whom they gave it all was dead. One of their best friends, the most incredible person who ever walked on the earth was killed. And it was over. It was finished.
They lowered His blood-soaked, naked body from the cross and laid it in a tomb and sealed it off with a huge stone. The Jesus they had grown to love was dead. How could this happen?
Locked inside their homes for the night, with the lights dimmed, they hid out of fear that the Romans would find and kill them too. I'm sure they were all in shock about what had just happend. ...Except for Judas, of course.
Let's back the story up a little bit..

The Lord's Supper. It was the Passover feast, and Jesus was talking to His disciples. And to their shock and surprise, He says something they would've never expected. "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me." And each one, of course went around and asked, "Surley not I, Lord?"
Jesus confirms it. One of the very men sitting around the table, feasting with the rest would indeed betray Jesus. And He says, "It would be better for him if he had not been born." Looking around at each other, sad, confused, mouths gaping open, I'm sure. One of US is going to betray our Jesus!?
Then Judas looks at Him and asks, "Surely not I, Rabbi?" (even though he had already made the deal with the chief priests to give him 30 coins for turning Him in) Jesus looks at him and says, "Yes, it is you." And He continues with the feast. He breaks the bread and passes around the wine. They sang, and then they went up to the Mount of Olives.
On the mountain, Jesus informs them, "This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written..." and then He tells of the prophesy in Zecharaiah. But Peter looks at Him and assures Him, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will."
And to Peter's shock Jesus answers, "I tell you the truth, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." What!?

I truely believe Peter wasn't trying to lie when He told Jesus that. I truly believe he thought he had more faith and love than he actually did, and really thought He would never cower away. But despite the love and faith he had in Jesus, it wouldn't be enough. He would still betray Him.
Then at Gethsemane, Jesus asks His followers to go with Him and wait for Him as He went and prayed alone. He begged God to take His cup from Him.. Jesus was afraid of the wrath of God. And even though He didn't want to die, He prayed, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." or in the NLT it says, "Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." And three times He came out to see His disciples and found them all sleeping.
Frustrated, I'm sure, He says, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!" And as Jesus was saying this, Judas walked up with a crowd of people ready to take Jesus away.
Judas greeted Jesus with a kiss to let the chief priests know which was the One they had been searching for. They arrested Him and took Jesus away. And it says, "Then all the disciples deserted him and fled." They really did "fall away on account of me" like Jesus said..
They took Jesus to the Sanhedrin to the high priest Caiaphas so that Caiaphas could find a charge against Him and kill Him. After asking Jesus if He really did claim He was the Son of God, he got his answer. "Yes, it is as you say." Jesus didn't deny it. He really was the Son of God.
After declaring Him worthy of death, Caiaphas took Him to the governer Pilate.
And on Jesus' way to Pilate, Peter denies Jesus three times just like Jesus said he would. Three times he blatantly denied his sweet Jesus. And immediately after denying Him the third time, the rooster crowed and Peter realized what he had done.
After the chief priests declared Jesus worthy of death, Judas went out and hanged himself. He realized all he had done and felt so guilty that it over took him.

Pilate, not wanting to actually kill Jesus because he knew He was an innocent man and his wife had dreams about Jesus, tried to persuade the crowds away from wanting Jesus crucified. But despite his efforts, the just kept yelling, "Crucify him, crucify him!" Every year as tradition, he set a prisoner free. So he gave the choice between Jesus and Barabbas. The crowds chose to set Barabbas free, so Pilate washed his hands on it. He would have this Jesus killed. He had Him flogged first and then it says,

"Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. 'Hail, king of the Jews!' they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took of the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then the led him away to crucify him."

They FLOGGED, MOCKED, and HUMILIATED my Jesus.
They put Jesus up there, on the cross, naked, so badly beaten, thirsty, and with robbers on either side of Him. They put the King of Kings and Lord of Lords of up there, in a place He didn't belong. They put nails through His wrists and through His feet and they put Him up there with robbers. And as people passed by they said, "You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself!" and the soldiers mocked Him too.

But instead of coming down, instead of saving Himself, He stayed up there. He took the insults, the spit, the mockery, the humiliation. He didn't come down because if He had, the salvation we now know would never have come. He had to stay there if He was going to save the world like He said He would. And after six hours of being up there, He cried out in a loud voice, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Then a few verses later it says, "And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit." The Roman soldiers checked to make sure He was dead by piercing His side with a spear.
They took Him down and buried Him an a tomb of a man Joseph who the Bibles says, "who had himself become a disciple of Christ."
They guarded the tomb to make sure the disciples wouldn't take away His body on the third day because they knew of the prophesy, "After three days I will rise again."

Overwhelmed with all kinds of SO many different emotions, they had to live with this news.
He was dead. My Jesus was dead. They killed my Jesus. They had beaten Him and they hung Him on a cross.
I get overwhelmed with anger. How could they do it? And how could all the disciples fall away? If they all said they loved Him so much, how could they really cower away like that? How could Judas betray Him and Peter deny Him? If it was real love, if they really cared about Him, how could they let all that happen?

I can tend to get carried away with being angry at the ones who did that to my Jesus. I condemn them for the terrible people they were.. But it is every bit as much my fault as it was theirs.
I still sin every single day, I still betray Him everytime I decide not to do what He wants me to do, I still cower away from Him when He asks me to take the next big step in my life..
So I might as well have been the one holding the whip, ripping away at His skin.. I might as well have been the one with the hammer, drilling the nails into His arms and His feet. I might as well have been one of the soldiers mocking and humiliating Him.
As much as it hurts to say and as much as I HATE it, I killed my Jesus. I did it.
So the question I should be asking is: How could I do it? If I say I truly love Him, how could I betray Him? How could I let this happen?

I absolutely love to sit down and read the Gospels. I love to read about what my Jesus did and what He said. I pour over pages, desperately seeking out His wisdom, His love, and His compassion because He calls me to be just like Him. And as I read and reread all of His miracles and His humility, I am completely blown away. He was PERFECT in EVERY way, He never, EVER failed(we all know that, I am just simply stating that truth because it is, in fact TRUTH).
And even though I have heard the story of Jesus being betrayed and crucified a million times, and though I have read it countless times with my own eyes, I still find myself broken and heavy-hearted over and over again. He went through all of that for me. For me. 

I understand that God chose me to be in His story because I am nothing and that way He can get ALL the glory for all that He's doing in me now and what He will do in me in the future. But I am still overwhelmed with confusion as to why in the WORLD He would love me so much to endure all that He did. Why would He love me so much that would make Him give up EVERYTHING just so that someday I might know Him and learn to love Him? He went through all that betrayal, that dark place, that hard.. and He goes through it every single day for ME. Why!?
The only reason that I can come up with is that HE is so perfect and so GREAT in love. His love is far bigger than I can ever try to begin to understand. He is WONDERFUL and GOOD and so full of MERCY.. and THAT is why He loves me. Not because of me or who I am, but because of who HE is. And I know that is 100% truth. And I rest in that answer, and I lean on it to be my faith and my hope.
There is NOTHING that I could EVER do to deserve all that He did for me. There is nothing I could ever do to repay the cost it took to take my sins away. And when looking at things in the right perspective, no sacrifice I could ever make would compare to what He sacrificed for me. All the things I think are so hard and ridiculous that He is asking me to give up are nothing. Because I still have my Jesus. He still loves me and paid the penalty for me to be with my Heavenly Father someday. And it is worth it. It is worth the hard and the pain, because HE is everything to me.

So though they call it "Good Friday," I mourn. Because my Jesus was murdered on this day almost 2,000 years ago. My heart feels so heavy and I feel so guilty for being the wretched human I am. I did that to my Jesus.
So this is a night that I mourn, but I also give thanks. Because He was willing to pay that price. I am SO THANKFUL that He would do that for me, I will FOREVER and always be in His debt. I owe Him my very life and SO much more.

But... you know the story didn't end there with His death, right...?