Learning to walk

One Saturday night, I was walking around the beautiful courtyard at the McDonalds in Antigua, holding tightly to the little hands of Vanessa(my youth pastor's 11 month old little girl). I absolutely love babies and little kids(especially THAT little one ;)), so it was a blast to go with her as she practiced her walking. And as we were walking together, God showed me something..

Her tiny little fingers holding onto my big ones, her little white shoes walking between my long brown ones, her soft little voice giggling with my obnoxiously loud one amazed me. She is so small, and it made me seem so big.

Each half-step I took was like 3 steps for her little legs. She was constantly trying to keep up with me on our journey around the courtyard. But because she has tiny little legs, her feet kept getting tangled up behind. So every few steps I'd have to stand there and hold her up until she untangled them and put them back in the right places. Then we could begin walking. But sooner than I'd realize she'd get all tangled up again, so I'd have to wait for her to get right. And so the cycle went on and on.
She's new at this whole walking thing, so she's learning as she goes. And though she just kept almost falling, she kept trying because she knew I was there to catch her everytime she almost fell. She knew I wouldn't let her fall because I was there for her, holding her up, ready to catch her.
And even though she's so small and even though she's still new at it and is still learning how to get it right, a couple times she thought she could do it alone. A couple times she tried to let go of my hand; she tried to be a big girl and do it by herself. But of course [because she can't do it on her own] she almost crashed. But each time I was prepared and I knew what she was going to do. So each time she tried to let go, I was there to pick her back up, to put her back on her feet, to help her try again. She is not yet ready to walk on her own, she doesn't know how to balance herself and she doesn't have the coordination just yet to take each step carefully and accurately. She needs someone to be there with her and show her how it is done.
After a couple times of failing, she realized she couldn't do it on her own. She clung so tightly to me for the rest of the walk until we looped back around to the table and sat with Mommy Katie and took a little rest.
But my time with Vanessa wasn't about the walking. It wasn't about making sure we made a complete loop around the McDonalds courtyard and a stop at the fountain and gaze at the statue turtles. It was about spending time with Vanessa. I wanted to laugh with her, to teach her a few things, to get to know her. I love my special time with her, I love her.

Little Vanessa is just like me in my walk with God. My hands are so small compared to His, my feet insignificant next to His, and my voice so much smaller than His and it's unbelievable. I am always trying to keep up with Him on this journey. His leaps are so much bigger and quicker than I'm ready to take, so I'm always left in a tangled mess, constantly scrambling to grab and take hold of whatever I can, having to be straightened out by Him.
And even though I'm still learning, even though I'm not ready and I can't do it on my own, I try letting go. I try being a big girl and I try to do it all by myself. But I always end up almost crashing, and sometimes I do fall and even end up with scraped knees. But God always knows when I'm getting ready to let go, so He's always ready to help me back up, to brush me off, to put my feet where they need to be so we can keep moving forward. He doesn't force me to stay with Him in His arms.. Sometimes He lets me go. Because it is only when I experience life without Him that I can realize how much I truly need Him right by my side, holding me in every step I take. Without my Jesus, I am nothing and I can't make it on my own.

The ugly thing about the falling is that sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I blame God that I can't do it myself. Sometimes I focus so hard on why I can't have what I want that I lose grip of reality. Sometimes I want to just throw my hands up in the air because I have fallen yet again and I might as well just say down there because there is no hope, I will never be able to do it. Sometimes I let my frustration grow so big that He leaves me there until I can come to grips.. until I have bled enough that I realize He is my only hope in making it stop.

But the beautiful thing about the falling is when He picks me up again. Even though He has every right to and [in my eyes] should've left me there a thousand times ago, He helps me anyways. He still chooses to give me another chance. He still loves me and He wants to help me try it again.

But I don't learn like Vanessa. After falling all the way down so many times, after trying it all by myself, after learning the hard way that I can't do this without Him, I still do it anyways. Time after countless time I try to let go. And time after countless time it ends up the same way. I always end up with skinned knees, dirty hands, and sometimes a bump on my forehead. It always ends up with me broken, hurt, and begging Him to help me up again because without Him I am nothing. And each time He gladly takes me by the hand, brushes me off, and begins walking again.

It's so frustrating and ironic when I choose to wallow in self-pity instead of running into God's arms. Because needing God is the beauty of it. THAT is the amazing part of this ride. Being able to trust that He is perfect and good and beautiful and that HE will help carry me to His will for me is the incredible part. Knowing that I need Him and knowing that He will give me everything I will ever need and knowing that He will help carry me through is the amazing part. Spending time with Him, getting to know Him, holding His hand, and laughing through life WITH Him makes it all worth it. Being together and walking hand-in-hand with my Daddy is FUN. THAT is the most amazing part. This life is not about the journey or the steps you take. I mean, those things are important.. but this life is about learning who Jesus is, spending time with Him and getting to know Him. Our eyes should constantly be on Him as He leads us through. Because above all else, we are to LOVE our Jesus because He loves us.

How could I ever forget that?

Vanessa will grow up to be an amazing little girl. She'll learn how to do it on her own, she'll be able to be a big girl and do the steps all by herself. In many, many years she grow to be a mature young lady, have her own family and have her own little one to teach how to walk.
But I will always be this little girl. I will always need the help of my Daddy holding me up as I take these steps in life. I won't ever be able to do this on my own.
But hopefully as I grow, the stumbling will lessen, and the not trusting will stop. Hopefully someday I will learn to not let go. Because it is so amazing to know that He will ALWAYS be there and that I am ALWAYS welcome in His arms. He is ALWAYS everything I will ever need, even when I think I don't need Him. As I grow in this walk with Him, He will never let go of my hand.
He will always walk with me, even through the hard and the difficult and the impossible. Because I am His little girl and He likes spending time with me. He likes teaching me the steps, He likes showing me how to do it. He likes being bigger than me, with the longer leaps, the booming and over-powering voice. He likes picking me up and dusting me off. Because each time He does it, He gets to show how faithful He is. I am able to trust Him a little more. And each time He picks me up again, I cling to Him a little tighter than the time before. My Daddy will never, ever fail me. I never, ever have to do this on my own because He loves me. And because He is the God of second, third, fourth, and fifth chances.