Fear of geckos and chickens and everything else

I had originally written out a blog post a couple days ago that I was going to post today.. But now that today is here, I feel that I have something stronger and pressing harder on my heart that I feel that I need to write about instead. Maybe the other post with be here in a few days to come.

I sat down this morning to spend time with my Jesus. I have been looking forward to this time all morning, and when the time finally came, I sat down and stared at my journal and Bible. I was subconsciously procrastinating it, and I have no idea why. In my head I was saying, "Yes! I'm finally gonna spend some time with Him and learn a little more of who He is and His love." but when I sat  down, I wanted to keep eating the warm, fresh g-nuts(peanuts), I wanted to get up and do my hair for the day because I have yet to do anything with it today, I wanted to make a list of things I need to do before I leave Uganda, I wanted to put on some music, I wanted to go and work out with the other girls, and I wanted to sit here and think about Guatemala and how much I miss my family. Why would I want to do anything and everything but spend time with my Jesus, when spending time with Him is all that I wanted to do this morning?
When I sat down to actually quiet my heart before Him, He started to teach me..

Conviction. I love it when God convicts me because that way He can correct me and help me learn to be more like Him. But then again I hate it because I don't like being wrong and then have to actually work to fix the wrong and hopefully make it right. The last couple days(actually the last few weeks) God has been convicting me of priorities I have in my life that shouldn't be there, things I need to work towards when I get home, and He's been teaching me humility and servant hood.

I know this is ridiculous and I feel ridiculous even admitting this, but honesty is so very important and I don't want to pretend (or try to pretend) that I am perfect and I have no flaws. I have big imperfections, I have small imperfections, and I have imperfections any where between those two. I'm pretty sure that I have way more imperfections than good or right in my life, but I think maybe that's okay because God is teaching me to take those imperfections and try to make them not-so imperfect.. And in 2 Corinthians 12:9 it says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." If I have so many weaknesses in me, it gives God that many more times to show me His power and how much He really is sufficient in this life. Every time I am not enough and I can't cut it, He shows me that He is enough and He can cut it and that helps to grow my faith.
The thing that is so ridiculous and I don't want to admit is that I fear. I fear almost anything and everything to a point that I feel like such a little girl all the time. I fear small animals, big animals, bugs, some people(mostly men), being alone, doing things on my own, teaching and sharing God's Word and Jesus' saving-story. I fear the future and all that will be in it, I fear what will happen if I don't do what God asks me to do, I fear being a big girl and having to live far from my family someday, and the list can go on, and on, and on.
One of the girls that lives here was reading in 1 John, and she read chapter 4 verse 18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
If I fear, then that means I'm not trusting in God to take care of me and I'm not letting Him have His incredible, perfect Way in me.. and it means that I am not loving Him. I think some fear is good because we are to fear and love God. But if I fear everything all the time, then how is that having faith that God will have His Way in me and trusting Him that that Way is good and perfect and ultimately the best thing that could happen in the end?

Yesterday I was sitting on the dirt porch facing the gathering of children during music class at the school. They were singing their little hearts out(a little off beat and a little off key, but it sounded beautiful anyway) when a chicken walked up to me. A couple feet out from me was a bean that the chicken wanted to eat, but she was scared of me. She hesitated from a couple feet away and kept darting her eyes at the seed and then back at me, wondering if she could make it to the seed and back without me hurting her. When she first walked up, I was terrified. My heart started racing and my knees felt kind of weak and I wanted to scare the hen away without her getting her bean because I didn't want her close to me. As I watched her being afraid of me and staring at the bean and then back at me, I realized how absolutely ridiculous it was for me to fear the fearful chicken. I wasn't trusting God to take care of me (or trusting Him even if the chicken by slim chance decided to attack me). I trusted Him to provide for my trip, to bring me all the way here to Uganda, and yet I was afraid of the two or two-and-a-half foot chicken standing in front of me. I prayed that Jesus would give me the courage I needed to not be afraid of the chicken and He helped me. I was literally reaching my hand out to touch it when she darted for the silly bean and ran away clucking and bobbing her head back and forth.
I also feared the tiny inch and a half-long gecko that fell on my face while making beads the other day. I feared the baby goat that I was trying to quickly take a picture of when we were returning home from a day of fun with the boys. I feared the men who were callings us beautiful mzungus(white people) and saying things in Luganda that I was very thankful that I didn't understand a couple days ago when Carissa and I ran out to get chapates for dinner(the boys made dinner and put minnows in it....not a fan of minnows). I am afraid of the boda every time I have to ride one. And I was a afraid of standing up in the middle of the church service last Sunday and actually preaching the TRUE Word of God because the pastor had it all wrong.
I need to let go of the fear because like it says in 1 John, if I fear, then I am not made perfect in love. I asked God to teach me more about Him and His love when I sat down to spend time with Him, and He started teaching me in a way that I didn't expect.
I went on reading in 1 John 5 and starting at verse one and it says,
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

I am not carrying out His commands when I fear because He tells me not to fear. And when I love Him and believe in His Son, then He helps me overcome the world.. which includes the fear and all the temptation that is in it. God is love, not fear. So I must learn to love Him and overcome the fear. His power is made perfect in weakness, so I know that He will meet me where I end and He will compensate for the courage that I lack. And He will teach me that courage and how to apply it in other areas of life too.

I am SO very thankful that God has been with me, that He is with me, and that He will continue to be with me as I carry out the rest of my time here(and even when I'm home and everywhere else that I will go). My time is half-way up now, and I can hardly believe it.  God has been so good to me and He has been teaching me and growing me. So now I'm praying that He will continue to teach me to love Him and others and help me not to fear, and that I will take all of this with me when I go home to Guatemala and keep it with me wherever I go. I LOVE Uganda and I can't wait for the day that I can actually be here to stay!