A post written Wednesday, April 24th

I sit in a very full airplane, over a sea of black and silhouettes of clouds are painted across the sea. The wing blinks bright red, red for all to see. My eyes try to close because of the exhaustion of the journey so far, but they can't sleep because of the thoughts running through my mind and the sounds in my ears (two little girls and one little boy sit behind me, asking their parents countless silly questions and their feet press through my seat). I look down and see the sparkling of city, of life on ground and though I'm not down there, I can't help but feel like a stranger. Tears fill my eyes in remembering the last embrace of my sweet mommy and daddy and whispered words, 'I love you' and my heart aches and my throat knots. Can I really do this?
I look up and just before my eyes is the ever-present shining moon; this time it's full. Sometimes you can only see half of it, sometimes whole, sometimes that little toenail hanging there, and sometimes you can't see it at all. Though you can't see it amongst the dark night, amongst all the other shining stars that try to fool you, it's always there and you have to trust that it will always be there--it has thus far, right?
I sit with my palms up, hands wide open to the sky, ready to receive whatever my Creator has for me, whether it's good, bad, hard, or easy because no matter what, it's always a gift from Him, it's always going to turn out for the best. I look out at that moon and it reminds me of the One who's always been there. Sometimes I can't see Him, sometimes I can see half of Him, and sometimes I just see that sliver of a glimpse. Tonight I see Him whole, all of who He has been for me and to me all these years, the faithfulness He's proven to me, the love He's proven over and over, and I try to hold on as tight as I can. He is the One who has brought me here, He is the One holding me now that I've jumped into what He has for me, and I know He is going to be the One who holds me in future steps I take. I see the other stars around me and I'm not fooled, I look to the One who shines brighter than anyone else and I pray that I won't be fooled when I can't see Him whole and when the stars seem to shine brighter than Him.
Truth is, no matter how hard I try, I really, really can't do this. I'm Teisha, the one who messes up all the time, the one who has no idea what I'm doing, the one who is helpless, and that's how it's supposed to be. He is greater than I, the One in control. He becomes greater, I become less. And He promises, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I'm not supposed to have it all figured out, I'm not supposed to be the one doing it anyways, I'm not supposed to have a clue. Then, while I have no idea, while I make mistakes, it proves that all of what is accomplished is not because of me; I can't receive any of the glory. When miracles are being done (the big ones and the small ones), none of the credit or glory is mine, it is His and His alone and that way the whole world can see.
I look back out at the window to see the moon shining bright, to see Him shining bright, and I hope that by being reassured of His faithfulness maybe my eyes will close and catch a wink of sleep (and I hope that the little eyes behind me will catch a wink too ;) ). And I'll keep my hands open because this gift He is giving me is beautiful and it's going to be good and I just need to rest in that and trust Him with the rest!

So, it's April 13th..

Today is April thirteenth. A fairly obvious statement, yes, but one that needs to be said in order to let reality set in. I leave home in eleven days to set off on this journey my Jesus has asked me to take and I must admit that it's not been an easy journey thus far--the letting go part.

My closet empties out and my suitcases begin to fill up and I look at space and weight and I wonder if there will be enough. I look around to all of my things and I realize I don't nearly have enough stuff as most people do where I come from have and I think I'm trying to fit my life in two suitcases, a carry-on and a personal bag. Then I realize that my life really couldn't be condensed into that which I am taking onto an airplane; it couldn't even come close. I have ten incredible siblings that I have had the privilege of growing up with, a mommy and daddy so incredible that words couldn't even describe how much they mean to me, I have the best of friends that I am close to and have been given the opportunity to share part of my life with, and I have my God who is so big that He BREATHES stars to fill me. Even if my my physical belongings that I'm trying to fit into small spaces were taken from me, I have my friends and family who mean way more to me anyway and I have an Awesome God who will absitively, posilutely, for sure be enough. Though my closet and my shelves aren't as full as others' are, my life is way more full of love, peace, grace, mercy, and of passion than most are, and to me, that is what matters.

This journey is going to be a tough one-I know that for sure-but it's going to be so worth it in the end that what I am giving up now won't compare to what will be given me in the future and even to what is given to me right now. At the end of life, God won't ask me how much I had in life. At the end of life, God will ask me how much I had of life, how much of Him I had in my life, and that will count.

As I approach saying goodbye, there are some days where I cling to my Jesus and He clings to me and whispers to me those truths that I so desperately need to hear, there are days where I am wonderfully at peace because I know that this is what He has called me to. But then there are days where the flesh takes ahold and reminds me of all that I'm letting go of and all the fears I have about moving forward. Some days my heart feels so heavy that I just can't hold it up anymore and He has to take it and hold it together for me. He's planning all of this even when I can't see it, and I just have to learn to have faith because, "..faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 emphasis added) I recognize that I am not enough to do this; I don't have what it takes to carry out His plan by myself. And I look around and I wonder if His grace and mercy and love really will be enough to hold me through this and I know that they will be. He is all I need. He tells us to count the cost before we jump, and boy have I counted the cost! I've counted it and recounted it, and every single time I do I come up with the same answer: my Jesus is enough, He is worth all that I'm giving up, He is all that I need and so I cling to Him and only Him as He asks me to do this one step at a time. He has assured me that He will hold me always and so I rest in that.

Truthfully, with as hard as this is and with all the different emotions I feel at different times, when it comes down to it, I am truly honored and humbled that my Jesus would call me to this. It's not what I wanted in the first place, and it's certainly taking a lot of faith and trust and it can be uncomfortable at times, but I get to do this for my Jesus-with my Jesus! I get to follow Him to a place where I will learn to fall more in love with Him, where I will learn deeper faith in Him, where I will learn humility and I am so very honored. He has chosen me and I can rejoice because it is a privilege to serve Him. This is a brand new adventure of just me and my Jesus, what more could I ask for? He is all that I need!