So, it's April 13th..

Today is April thirteenth. A fairly obvious statement, yes, but one that needs to be said in order to let reality set in. I leave home in eleven days to set off on this journey my Jesus has asked me to take and I must admit that it's not been an easy journey thus far--the letting go part.

My closet empties out and my suitcases begin to fill up and I look at space and weight and I wonder if there will be enough. I look around to all of my things and I realize I don't nearly have enough stuff as most people do where I come from have and I think I'm trying to fit my life in two suitcases, a carry-on and a personal bag. Then I realize that my life really couldn't be condensed into that which I am taking onto an airplane; it couldn't even come close. I have ten incredible siblings that I have had the privilege of growing up with, a mommy and daddy so incredible that words couldn't even describe how much they mean to me, I have the best of friends that I am close to and have been given the opportunity to share part of my life with, and I have my God who is so big that He BREATHES stars to fill me. Even if my my physical belongings that I'm trying to fit into small spaces were taken from me, I have my friends and family who mean way more to me anyway and I have an Awesome God who will absitively, posilutely, for sure be enough. Though my closet and my shelves aren't as full as others' are, my life is way more full of love, peace, grace, mercy, and of passion than most are, and to me, that is what matters.

This journey is going to be a tough one-I know that for sure-but it's going to be so worth it in the end that what I am giving up now won't compare to what will be given me in the future and even to what is given to me right now. At the end of life, God won't ask me how much I had in life. At the end of life, God will ask me how much I had of life, how much of Him I had in my life, and that will count.

As I approach saying goodbye, there are some days where I cling to my Jesus and He clings to me and whispers to me those truths that I so desperately need to hear, there are days where I am wonderfully at peace because I know that this is what He has called me to. But then there are days where the flesh takes ahold and reminds me of all that I'm letting go of and all the fears I have about moving forward. Some days my heart feels so heavy that I just can't hold it up anymore and He has to take it and hold it together for me. He's planning all of this even when I can't see it, and I just have to learn to have faith because, "..faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 emphasis added) I recognize that I am not enough to do this; I don't have what it takes to carry out His plan by myself. And I look around and I wonder if His grace and mercy and love really will be enough to hold me through this and I know that they will be. He is all I need. He tells us to count the cost before we jump, and boy have I counted the cost! I've counted it and recounted it, and every single time I do I come up with the same answer: my Jesus is enough, He is worth all that I'm giving up, He is all that I need and so I cling to Him and only Him as He asks me to do this one step at a time. He has assured me that He will hold me always and so I rest in that.

Truthfully, with as hard as this is and with all the different emotions I feel at different times, when it comes down to it, I am truly honored and humbled that my Jesus would call me to this. It's not what I wanted in the first place, and it's certainly taking a lot of faith and trust and it can be uncomfortable at times, but I get to do this for my Jesus-with my Jesus! I get to follow Him to a place where I will learn to fall more in love with Him, where I will learn deeper faith in Him, where I will learn humility and I am so very honored. He has chosen me and I can rejoice because it is a privilege to serve Him. This is a brand new adventure of just me and my Jesus, what more could I ask for? He is all that I need!