I sit on the kitchen floor, journal open, scribbling thoughts and prayers to the One I call God, Savior, Best Friend. The wind blows in and chills my skin and so does the thought of Him dying for me. I flip through a few years of prayers, of written thoughts to Him and I ask myself, has He really brought me through ALL of this?

I remember selling and giving away most of what I had and radically following Him into the unknown with my family, trusting that He would bring all the pieces together.
I remember heartache and frustration that I could be led astray, trusting in worldly things instead of trusting my Jesus.
I remember scribbled-out messages to my biological mother, words masking the hurt I've worn all these years and trusting Him and begging Him to help me forgive.. and I remember learning forgiveness at a level I've never known before or ever thought possible.
I remember a trip taken to the place I'm called to, to the place I fell in love with, everything planned and set in HIS timing and no one else's.. and I remember peace, awe, humility, love, and hope learned and burned more into my heart than ever before.
I remember a phone call to my biological father, telling the truth of what I've felt all these years, and tears when words of forgiveness were asked and when whispered forgiveness was given in return.
I remember changed plans and changed directions taking me places I never even wanted to go in the first place and I remember His faithfulness in planning it all out.. and I remember brokenness and humility and faithfulness learned at a whole new level, leaving me at a place that can only trust HIS good and perfect plan, even though fears come and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

He has led me through the unknown, He has provided when I had no idea where it would come from, He has shown faithfulness even when I fail Him, He has extended grace even when I didn't deserve that back a long time ago, He has shown mercy and compassion even for a wretch like me. Why? Because He is GOD and because He is GOOD all the time.

When I stop and think about that day that He was killed, nothing I could even imagine can compare to what it really was like. I saw The Passion of the Christ a few times and even with as realistic as that was, I'm sure it doesn't even compare to what really happened. To see my Jesus, my King, my everything slaughtered like that could never be re-captured or recreated. Something like that could never be done again. And to think that I did that to Him. To think that I am the one who nailed Him to that cross, I am the one who hurled insults at Him, I am the one who betrayed Him.. it breaks me. How could I ever do that to Him? And how could I continue doing it every day?

Thankfulness rushes over me. Why would He choose ME to love, to forgive, to give grace to, to be faithful to? Why would He choose me to be so good all the time to, when I am less than that in return? I have no answer simply because I can't really understand it myself. But even when I don't understand, I give thanks. I praise my Jesus because He gave His all for me. I praise Him because of His sacrifice, because of His love, because of His grace that holds me together.


I wake up everyday, filling out my 1,000 gifts list and I'm amazed at how it's changing me. I started reading the book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp a while ago and never fully finished it through. I decided to pick it back up again from the beginning last week and I'll work hard to make sure I finish it before I leave. She encourages writing a list of 1,000 things that you thank God for--not only just write to fill up pages, but to truly sit and be thankful for it and to bask in awe of the Creator who gave it to you. Could be simple things, obvious things, circumstances you don't understand, or even little things that you never would've noticed in your normal day-to-day life. Of any gift I could ever think of, none can compare to the gift of the cross. The beautiful, ugly, frightening, freeing, wonderful cross on which my Jesus died for me.

The sacrifices I make for Him could never, ever come close to comparing to the sacrifice He made for me. He have His ALL for me, so I will try to give Him nothing less than my all in thankfulness in return, even when I don't understand and no matter how scary it seems to be. He is worth it, He deserves it, and it's the least I can do to show my gratitude to Him.

And while He teaches me of His love, faithfulness, hope, grace, wisdom, and perseverance, I pray that He will help share with others as well. Others should know of His love, of His great sacrifice that He made for them too.

Don't forget what your wonderful Jesus did for you. Don't forget how beautiful the cross was and don't forget to thank Him for it. Take it to all the corners of the world with me, share His love and forgiveness so that the whole world can hear about it too.