I have successfully been in the ever-famous United States of America for four weeks now and in some ways the time seems to have flown by, yet in others it seems like it's taking forever to pass. I've been settled for three weeks now into the home that I will spend the whole summer in, but I don't have much time that I can spend there. I have been extremely, extremely blessed and have been re-hired at my previous work place, Culver's, and I have been given roughly 40 hours a week. I look around at so many things here and I can't help but have peace that this is exactly where He wants me to be. From the already-paid-for-phone, to the house and family to stay with, to a full-time job, to hand-me-down clothes from my sister and friend that fit perfectly, to a jacket that I needed, and friends here who really care. I look and see the pieces that have fallen together and can't imagine them being put together by none other than the One who ordained them be put together long before time existed. And I'm so thankful that I can know that He's here, taking care of me.
I say I don't have much time to spend at home because I am working full time, I get off work late some nights and for some reason, I can't sleep now that I'm all by myself. I've never had a room all to myself and I just lay there for hours, so I pull out my Bible and beg Him to whisper to me while I'm sleepless. And He is always faithful and He does. Needless to say, it's been quite the struggle to get the rest I need to be able to go to work and put out all the energy I possibly can while I'm there. It's been far too easy to get caught up in trying to sleep and working that I have lost my joy some days and I groggily get up and go through the motions of work and then collapse on my bed. I hate just going through the motions, I hate not having as much joy as usual, I hate not being me. I also miss my family so very much. They are my home, where my heart is and it's been hard to be away from them. I'm used to having them with me, I'm used to them making all my decisions for me (I really did spend 10 minutes staring at calendars one day and then 10 minutes staring at coffee mugs another because I had no idea what to do). Though I really, really miss them, I've been blessed to have a sister here come into my workplace at my 30 minute break because I had a bad day and she just wanted to be there for me, to show me she loves me. My friends ask me if I really am just tired or if there is something else going on, and they listen even when I don't make sense and they love me (even though I still haven't gotten out to prayer group with them Saturday nights). And I've been blessed with a family-away-from-family who take care of me, who feed me (when I'm actually there) and who remind me of His love and remind me that they're there for me when I need them.
I scroll down my news feed on facebook and I see pictures of dear friends in Uganda, I see family in Guatemala loving life and loving ministry and I can't help but wish I could be there too.. either place. Anywhere but here. I'm not used to these struggles, I'm not used to these schedules and working, I'm not used to being away from my family, out of my comfort zone. But here I am, and I have to keep begging Him to remind me that He has a purpose even for this. I just have to open my eyes and live today for Him and He'll take me to where He wants me to be one step at a time.
Each morning when I get up, I want to have His passion, His fire, His love burning in me so much that anyone who sees it can't mistake it for me, but they can know it's Him. I want each time that I serve custard or butter burgers to be a chance for me to serve Him. Everyone deserves to know Him too. Being here, this is a good and beautiful gift from Him just for me and I must keep my hands open to receive this gift. In my weakness He is strong. I'm thankful for this weakness because now, while I need Him, I get to see Him in a new way, I get to know Him more intimately. And even here His Will can be done.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
"But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress." Psalm 59:16
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
A post written Wednesday, April 24th
I sit in a very full airplane, over a sea of black and silhouettes of clouds are painted across the sea. The wing blinks bright red, red for all to see. My eyes try to close because of the exhaustion of the journey so far, but they can't sleep because of the thoughts running through my mind and the sounds in my ears (two little girls and one little boy sit behind me, asking their parents countless silly questions and their feet press through my seat). I look down and see the sparkling of city, of life on ground and though I'm not down there, I can't help but feel like a stranger. Tears fill my eyes in remembering the last embrace of my sweet mommy and daddy and whispered words, 'I love you' and my heart aches and my throat knots. Can I really do this?
I look up and just before my eyes is the ever-present shining moon; this time it's full. Sometimes you can only see half of it, sometimes whole, sometimes that little toenail hanging there, and sometimes you can't see it at all. Though you can't see it amongst the dark night, amongst all the other shining stars that try to fool you, it's always there and you have to trust that it will always be there--it has thus far, right?
I sit with my palms up, hands wide open to the sky, ready to receive whatever my Creator has for me, whether it's good, bad, hard, or easy because no matter what, it's always a gift from Him, it's always going to turn out for the best. I look out at that moon and it reminds me of the One who's always been there. Sometimes I can't see Him, sometimes I can see half of Him, and sometimes I just see that sliver of a glimpse. Tonight I see Him whole, all of who He has been for me and to me all these years, the faithfulness He's proven to me, the love He's proven over and over, and I try to hold on as tight as I can. He is the One who has brought me here, He is the One holding me now that I've jumped into what He has for me, and I know He is going to be the One who holds me in future steps I take. I see the other stars around me and I'm not fooled, I look to the One who shines brighter than anyone else and I pray that I won't be fooled when I can't see Him whole and when the stars seem to shine brighter than Him.
Truth is, no matter how hard I try, I really, really can't do this. I'm Teisha, the one who messes up all the time, the one who has no idea what I'm doing, the one who is helpless, and that's how it's supposed to be. He is greater than I, the One in control. He becomes greater, I become less. And He promises, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I'm not supposed to have it all figured out, I'm not supposed to be the one doing it anyways, I'm not supposed to have a clue. Then, while I have no idea, while I make mistakes, it proves that all of what is accomplished is not because of me; I can't receive any of the glory. When miracles are being done (the big ones and the small ones), none of the credit or glory is mine, it is His and His alone and that way the whole world can see.
I look back out at the window to see the moon shining bright, to see Him shining bright, and I hope that by being reassured of His faithfulness maybe my eyes will close and catch a wink of sleep (and I hope that the little eyes behind me will catch a wink too ;) ). And I'll keep my hands open because this gift He is giving me is beautiful and it's going to be good and I just need to rest in that and trust Him with the rest!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
So, it's April 13th..
Today is April thirteenth. A fairly obvious statement, yes, but one that needs to be said in order to let reality set in. I leave home in eleven days to set off on this journey my Jesus has asked me to take and I must admit that it's not been an easy journey thus far--the letting go part.
My closet empties out and my suitcases begin to fill up and I look at space and weight and I wonder if there will be enough. I look around to all of my things and I realize I don't nearly have enough stuff as most people do where I come from have and I think I'm trying to fit my life in two suitcases, a carry-on and a personal bag. Then I realize that my life really couldn't be condensed into that which I am taking onto an airplane; it couldn't even come close. I have ten incredible siblings that I have had the privilege of growing up with, a mommy and daddy so incredible that words couldn't even describe how much they mean to me, I have the best of friends that I am close to and have been given the opportunity to share part of my life with, and I have my God who is so big that He BREATHES stars to fill me. Even if my my physical belongings that I'm trying to fit into small spaces were taken from me, I have my friends and family who mean way more to me anyway and I have an Awesome God who will absitively, posilutely, for sure be enough. Though my closet and my shelves aren't as full as others' are, my life is way more full of love, peace, grace, mercy, and of passion than most are, and to me, that is what matters.
This journey is going to be a tough one-I know that for sure-but it's going to be so worth it in the end that what I am giving up now won't compare to what will be given me in the future and even to what is given to me right now. At the end of life, God won't ask me how much I had in life. At the end of life, God will ask me how much I had of life, how much of Him I had in my life, and that will count.
As I approach saying goodbye, there are some days where I cling to my Jesus and He clings to me and whispers to me those truths that I so desperately need to hear, there are days where I am wonderfully at peace because I know that this is what He has called me to. But then there are days where the flesh takes ahold and reminds me of all that I'm letting go of and all the fears I have about moving forward. Some days my heart feels so heavy that I just can't hold it up anymore and He has to take it and hold it together for me. He's planning all of this even when I can't see it, and I just have to learn to have faith because, "..faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 emphasis added) I recognize that I am not enough to do this; I don't have what it takes to carry out His plan by myself. And I look around and I wonder if His grace and mercy and love really will be enough to hold me through this and I know that they will be. He is all I need. He tells us to count the cost before we jump, and boy have I counted the cost! I've counted it and recounted it, and every single time I do I come up with the same answer: my Jesus is enough, He is worth all that I'm giving up, He is all that I need and so I cling to Him and only Him as He asks me to do this one step at a time. He has assured me that He will hold me always and so I rest in that.
Truthfully, with as hard as this is and with all the different emotions I feel at different times, when it comes down to it, I am truly honored and humbled that my Jesus would call me to this. It's not what I wanted in the first place, and it's certainly taking a lot of faith and trust and it can be uncomfortable at times, but I get to do this for my Jesus-with my Jesus! I get to follow Him to a place where I will learn to fall more in love with Him, where I will learn deeper faith in Him, where I will learn humility and I am so very honored. He has chosen me and I can rejoice because it is a privilege to serve Him. This is a brand new adventure of just me and my Jesus, what more could I ask for? He is all that I need!
My closet empties out and my suitcases begin to fill up and I look at space and weight and I wonder if there will be enough. I look around to all of my things and I realize I don't nearly have enough stuff as most people do where I come from have and I think I'm trying to fit my life in two suitcases, a carry-on and a personal bag. Then I realize that my life really couldn't be condensed into that which I am taking onto an airplane; it couldn't even come close. I have ten incredible siblings that I have had the privilege of growing up with, a mommy and daddy so incredible that words couldn't even describe how much they mean to me, I have the best of friends that I am close to and have been given the opportunity to share part of my life with, and I have my God who is so big that He BREATHES stars to fill me. Even if my my physical belongings that I'm trying to fit into small spaces were taken from me, I have my friends and family who mean way more to me anyway and I have an Awesome God who will absitively, posilutely, for sure be enough. Though my closet and my shelves aren't as full as others' are, my life is way more full of love, peace, grace, mercy, and of passion than most are, and to me, that is what matters.
This journey is going to be a tough one-I know that for sure-but it's going to be so worth it in the end that what I am giving up now won't compare to what will be given me in the future and even to what is given to me right now. At the end of life, God won't ask me how much I had in life. At the end of life, God will ask me how much I had of life, how much of Him I had in my life, and that will count.
As I approach saying goodbye, there are some days where I cling to my Jesus and He clings to me and whispers to me those truths that I so desperately need to hear, there are days where I am wonderfully at peace because I know that this is what He has called me to. But then there are days where the flesh takes ahold and reminds me of all that I'm letting go of and all the fears I have about moving forward. Some days my heart feels so heavy that I just can't hold it up anymore and He has to take it and hold it together for me. He's planning all of this even when I can't see it, and I just have to learn to have faith because, "..faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 emphasis added) I recognize that I am not enough to do this; I don't have what it takes to carry out His plan by myself. And I look around and I wonder if His grace and mercy and love really will be enough to hold me through this and I know that they will be. He is all I need. He tells us to count the cost before we jump, and boy have I counted the cost! I've counted it and recounted it, and every single time I do I come up with the same answer: my Jesus is enough, He is worth all that I'm giving up, He is all that I need and so I cling to Him and only Him as He asks me to do this one step at a time. He has assured me that He will hold me always and so I rest in that.
Truthfully, with as hard as this is and with all the different emotions I feel at different times, when it comes down to it, I am truly honored and humbled that my Jesus would call me to this. It's not what I wanted in the first place, and it's certainly taking a lot of faith and trust and it can be uncomfortable at times, but I get to do this for my Jesus-with my Jesus! I get to follow Him to a place where I will learn to fall more in love with Him, where I will learn deeper faith in Him, where I will learn humility and I am so very honored. He has chosen me and I can rejoice because it is a privilege to serve Him. This is a brand new adventure of just me and my Jesus, what more could I ask for? He is all that I need!
Friday, March 29, 2013
I sit on the kitchen floor, journal open, scribbling thoughts and prayers to the One I call God, Savior, Best Friend. The wind blows in and chills my skin and so does the thought of Him dying for me. I flip through a few years of prayers, of written thoughts to Him and I ask myself, has He really brought me through ALL of this?
I remember selling and giving away most of what I had and radically following Him into the unknown with my family, trusting that He would bring all the pieces together.
I remember heartache and frustration that I could be led astray, trusting in worldly things instead of trusting my Jesus.
I remember scribbled-out messages to my biological mother, words masking the hurt I've worn all these years and trusting Him and begging Him to help me forgive.. and I remember learning forgiveness at a level I've never known before or ever thought possible.
I remember a trip taken to the place I'm called to, to the place I fell in love with, everything planned and set in HIS timing and no one else's.. and I remember peace, awe, humility, love, and hope learned and burned more into my heart than ever before.
I remember a phone call to my biological father, telling the truth of what I've felt all these years, and tears when words of forgiveness were asked and when whispered forgiveness was given in return.
I remember changed plans and changed directions taking me places I never even wanted to go in the first place and I remember His faithfulness in planning it all out.. and I remember brokenness and humility and faithfulness learned at a whole new level, leaving me at a place that can only trust HIS good and perfect plan, even though fears come and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
He has led me through the unknown, He has provided when I had no idea where it would come from, He has shown faithfulness even when I fail Him, He has extended grace even when I didn't deserve that back a long time ago, He has shown mercy and compassion even for a wretch like me. Why? Because He is GOD and because He is GOOD all the time.
When I stop and think about that day that He was killed, nothing I could even imagine can compare to what it really was like. I saw The Passion of the Christ a few times and even with as realistic as that was, I'm sure it doesn't even compare to what really happened. To see my Jesus, my King, my everything slaughtered like that could never be re-captured or recreated. Something like that could never be done again. And to think that I did that to Him. To think that I am the one who nailed Him to that cross, I am the one who hurled insults at Him, I am the one who betrayed Him.. it breaks me. How could I ever do that to Him? And how could I continue doing it every day?
Thankfulness rushes over me. Why would He choose ME to love, to forgive, to give grace to, to be faithful to? Why would He choose me to be so good all the time to, when I am less than that in return? I have no answer simply because I can't really understand it myself. But even when I don't understand, I give thanks. I praise my Jesus because He gave His all for me. I praise Him because of His sacrifice, because of His love, because of His grace that holds me together.
I wake up everyday, filling out my 1,000 gifts list and I'm amazed at how it's changing me. I started reading the book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp a while ago and never fully finished it through. I decided to pick it back up again from the beginning last week and I'll work hard to make sure I finish it before I leave. She encourages writing a list of 1,000 things that you thank God for--not only just write to fill up pages, but to truly sit and be thankful for it and to bask in awe of the Creator who gave it to you. Could be simple things, obvious things, circumstances you don't understand, or even little things that you never would've noticed in your normal day-to-day life. Of any gift I could ever think of, none can compare to the gift of the cross. The beautiful, ugly, frightening, freeing, wonderful cross on which my Jesus died for me.
The sacrifices I make for Him could never, ever come close to comparing to the sacrifice He made for me. He have His ALL for me, so I will try to give Him nothing less than my all in thankfulness in return, even when I don't understand and no matter how scary it seems to be. He is worth it, He deserves it, and it's the least I can do to show my gratitude to Him.
And while He teaches me of His love, faithfulness, hope, grace, wisdom, and perseverance, I pray that He will help share with others as well. Others should know of His love, of His great sacrifice that He made for them too.
Don't forget what your wonderful Jesus did for you. Don't forget how beautiful the cross was and don't forget to thank Him for it. Take it to all the corners of the world with me, share His love and forgiveness so that the whole world can hear about it too.
I remember selling and giving away most of what I had and radically following Him into the unknown with my family, trusting that He would bring all the pieces together.
I remember heartache and frustration that I could be led astray, trusting in worldly things instead of trusting my Jesus.
I remember scribbled-out messages to my biological mother, words masking the hurt I've worn all these years and trusting Him and begging Him to help me forgive.. and I remember learning forgiveness at a level I've never known before or ever thought possible.
I remember a trip taken to the place I'm called to, to the place I fell in love with, everything planned and set in HIS timing and no one else's.. and I remember peace, awe, humility, love, and hope learned and burned more into my heart than ever before.
I remember a phone call to my biological father, telling the truth of what I've felt all these years, and tears when words of forgiveness were asked and when whispered forgiveness was given in return.
I remember changed plans and changed directions taking me places I never even wanted to go in the first place and I remember His faithfulness in planning it all out.. and I remember brokenness and humility and faithfulness learned at a whole new level, leaving me at a place that can only trust HIS good and perfect plan, even though fears come and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
He has led me through the unknown, He has provided when I had no idea where it would come from, He has shown faithfulness even when I fail Him, He has extended grace even when I didn't deserve that back a long time ago, He has shown mercy and compassion even for a wretch like me. Why? Because He is GOD and because He is GOOD all the time.
When I stop and think about that day that He was killed, nothing I could even imagine can compare to what it really was like. I saw The Passion of the Christ a few times and even with as realistic as that was, I'm sure it doesn't even compare to what really happened. To see my Jesus, my King, my everything slaughtered like that could never be re-captured or recreated. Something like that could never be done again. And to think that I did that to Him. To think that I am the one who nailed Him to that cross, I am the one who hurled insults at Him, I am the one who betrayed Him.. it breaks me. How could I ever do that to Him? And how could I continue doing it every day?
Thankfulness rushes over me. Why would He choose ME to love, to forgive, to give grace to, to be faithful to? Why would He choose me to be so good all the time to, when I am less than that in return? I have no answer simply because I can't really understand it myself. But even when I don't understand, I give thanks. I praise my Jesus because He gave His all for me. I praise Him because of His sacrifice, because of His love, because of His grace that holds me together.
I wake up everyday, filling out my 1,000 gifts list and I'm amazed at how it's changing me. I started reading the book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp a while ago and never fully finished it through. I decided to pick it back up again from the beginning last week and I'll work hard to make sure I finish it before I leave. She encourages writing a list of 1,000 things that you thank God for--not only just write to fill up pages, but to truly sit and be thankful for it and to bask in awe of the Creator who gave it to you. Could be simple things, obvious things, circumstances you don't understand, or even little things that you never would've noticed in your normal day-to-day life. Of any gift I could ever think of, none can compare to the gift of the cross. The beautiful, ugly, frightening, freeing, wonderful cross on which my Jesus died for me.
The sacrifices I make for Him could never, ever come close to comparing to the sacrifice He made for me. He have His ALL for me, so I will try to give Him nothing less than my all in thankfulness in return, even when I don't understand and no matter how scary it seems to be. He is worth it, He deserves it, and it's the least I can do to show my gratitude to Him.
And while He teaches me of His love, faithfulness, hope, grace, wisdom, and perseverance, I pray that He will help share with others as well. Others should know of His love, of His great sacrifice that He made for them too.
Don't forget what your wonderful Jesus did for you. Don't forget how beautiful the cross was and don't forget to thank Him for it. Take it to all the corners of the world with me, share His love and forgiveness so that the whole world can hear about it too.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The miracle of the moment
[This post was written a few days ago]
I think I spend most of my time living in any moment but the present. I think about the past, conversations I had, people I knew, my favorite life experiences, my most hated life experiences. I think of what will happen in the following day, in the next 2 days, or next months, the goal I'm pushing toward, or wishing I was at that goal already. I think about how I'm going to miss my family, Guatemalan life, being involved in ministry, having life so 'simple'. I beg God to help heal me of my wounds from the past, I seek Him and ask Him to provide for my future, to be everything I'll need Him to be while I'm following Him to the unknown.
But when do I live life right now? When do I stop and smell the roses, slow down, take time to embrace who I am right now, what's going on in life right now? It's ironic to stop and think about.
Tonight God showed me how to live life right now, on March 18th, 2013.
I live in a household of 11. I have 5 younger siblings. The Fulp household on a normal basis is pretty loud, crazy, a bit overwhelming, and absolutely beautiful. But even as beautiful as it is, there are those times where you just need a moment of quiet, of calm, of solitude.. And there are only a few paces you can go to actually get that peace and quiet.. And let me just say, the living room isn't one of them.
For some crazy reason, I decided to pick the living room to read my book this evening. "Really?" you might ask. Well, to my defense, no one was in there at the time..
I turn on the lamp (the sun had already disappeared for the night), I sit lop-sided on the chair, open my book to the place I had previously left off, read the first paragraph, and 3 children run through the room, definitely putting to use the healthy set of lungs God gave them. They were making as much noise as they possibly could and at first, annoyance started to build in me. But soon after, I realized. For one thing, that's what I get for picking the most central spot in the house to read my book. I also realized that soon I am going to be miles and miles away from home, missing those piercing squeals and contagious giggles. They are gifts that God gave me, gifts that are irreplaceable and so very precious. I'm going to wish I had those incredible people there to distract me from my book, causing me to re-read the same sentence a million times before I just give up and join in their fun. How much longer will I have to see them as young people, still so innocent and not yet fully knowing of the evil that goes on around them? How much longer will I have to hold them, to kiss them, to be absolutely CRAZY with them, to stroke their cheeks and tell them they're beautiful and I am proud of them? How much longer will I have to be their big sister, to teach them about Jesus, to be the best example I can be, to love them with His burning passion in me? My days with them are numbered and I wish so badly that the number could be bigger.
So I sat with a smile on my face, praising Jesus for the giggles and squeals, for their loud interruption, for their beautiful kid-hearts. I played Phase 10 for longer than I had originally bargained for, and I spent time just hanging out and laughing instead of cleaning my messy room (I know there is a time to do so and I will soon), instead of reading my Bible early so I wouldn't go to bed late; instead of missing it. They are my family, my home, my everything.. I can't give that up and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So here I am, writing this too late, still having yet to read my Bible before I close my eyes for the night, but it was worth it. I didn't miss the right now. I didn't miss today. I didn't miss the miracle of the moment.
Tomorrow? I have no idea what tomorrow holds. We'll see how it turns out. Taking it one step at a time..
I think I spend most of my time living in any moment but the present. I think about the past, conversations I had, people I knew, my favorite life experiences, my most hated life experiences. I think of what will happen in the following day, in the next 2 days, or next months, the goal I'm pushing toward, or wishing I was at that goal already. I think about how I'm going to miss my family, Guatemalan life, being involved in ministry, having life so 'simple'. I beg God to help heal me of my wounds from the past, I seek Him and ask Him to provide for my future, to be everything I'll need Him to be while I'm following Him to the unknown.
But when do I live life right now? When do I stop and smell the roses, slow down, take time to embrace who I am right now, what's going on in life right now? It's ironic to stop and think about.
Tonight God showed me how to live life right now, on March 18th, 2013.
I live in a household of 11. I have 5 younger siblings. The Fulp household on a normal basis is pretty loud, crazy, a bit overwhelming, and absolutely beautiful. But even as beautiful as it is, there are those times where you just need a moment of quiet, of calm, of solitude.. And there are only a few paces you can go to actually get that peace and quiet.. And let me just say, the living room isn't one of them.
For some crazy reason, I decided to pick the living room to read my book this evening. "Really?" you might ask. Well, to my defense, no one was in there at the time..
I turn on the lamp (the sun had already disappeared for the night), I sit lop-sided on the chair, open my book to the place I had previously left off, read the first paragraph, and 3 children run through the room, definitely putting to use the healthy set of lungs God gave them. They were making as much noise as they possibly could and at first, annoyance started to build in me. But soon after, I realized. For one thing, that's what I get for picking the most central spot in the house to read my book. I also realized that soon I am going to be miles and miles away from home, missing those piercing squeals and contagious giggles. They are gifts that God gave me, gifts that are irreplaceable and so very precious. I'm going to wish I had those incredible people there to distract me from my book, causing me to re-read the same sentence a million times before I just give up and join in their fun. How much longer will I have to see them as young people, still so innocent and not yet fully knowing of the evil that goes on around them? How much longer will I have to hold them, to kiss them, to be absolutely CRAZY with them, to stroke their cheeks and tell them they're beautiful and I am proud of them? How much longer will I have to be their big sister, to teach them about Jesus, to be the best example I can be, to love them with His burning passion in me? My days with them are numbered and I wish so badly that the number could be bigger.
So I sat with a smile on my face, praising Jesus for the giggles and squeals, for their loud interruption, for their beautiful kid-hearts. I played Phase 10 for longer than I had originally bargained for, and I spent time just hanging out and laughing instead of cleaning my messy room (I know there is a time to do so and I will soon), instead of reading my Bible early so I wouldn't go to bed late; instead of missing it. They are my family, my home, my everything.. I can't give that up and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
So here I am, writing this too late, still having yet to read my Bible before I close my eyes for the night, but it was worth it. I didn't miss the right now. I didn't miss today. I didn't miss the miracle of the moment.
Tomorrow? I have no idea what tomorrow holds. We'll see how it turns out. Taking it one step at a time..
Saturday, March 16, 2013
I can't believe it's been a whole month since I've posted last. In so many ways this last month has flown by and I'm sitting here wishing I had gotten a better grasp on it as it went by. And yet again it has gone by so slowly that I feel like it might not ever end (exaggerating, I know). The reasons why I haven't posted certainly aren't good enough to actually be called excuses. I have been trying to fit in ministry, family time and God time in these last few months I have here.. and I have been busy with trying all I can in my tiny human power to make all these crazy plans of me going back to the states. And I, personally, have failed thus far. I'm Teisha, I'm human, I'm far from perfect, I'm powerless. I can't do this on my own, what was I thinking?
You see, sometimes I get it in my head that I need to draw charts and maps and explain and lay everything out for God to know how my life should pan out. I know what I want and I think I need to make sure God knows how to get me there. But then God does a funny thing where I'm pretty sure He laughs at me and then sends me in the opposite direction just so that He can teach me humility, trust, love, and faithfulness.. and because He has a greater purpose in mind than I do, a plan that will ultimately bring Him the most glory possible.
Truth is, I don't want to go back to the states. I mean, I do because this is what He has called me to and so I know that He will carry me through, He'll teach me, and He'll use it to further His Kingdom. And also because I'll get to see my friends and family that I haven't seen in such a very long time! But I don't want to because going back to the states means comfort, it means everything I want right at my fingertips, it means me going to the place where I was who I now have come to hate. God has shown me so much over the last two years since we've been in Guatemala and I'm afraid that being in my old setting, in my old "home" I'll go back to being who I was. I don't want to conform, to go with the flow, to be like everyone else, to blend into the background. I want to be that shining city on the hill, the one who's sold out for Jesus, the one who will stick out like a sore thumb(in a good way, though), the one who goes against the flow, to be like my Jesus like I'm supposed to be. But what if I trade Him in for the ugly, insignificant, cheap ways of this world? What if I betray Him like Peter did just before Jesus gave His life for him?
I also am scared of leaving my family and branching out and being on my own. I lean so much on my sisters, on my parents-sometimes it can be a good thing, but I think now I'm to the point where it's becoming a not-so-good-thing. They're my best friends, my family, the ones who put up with me when I mess up, the ones who hold me when I'm falling apart, the ones who cheer me up when I'm down, the ones who encourage me to radically follow after my Jesus, they are my home.
Though I can convince myself that these reasons are good, real, legit reasons as to why I have a right to be afraid, they most certainly are not. Perfect love drives out fear. Fear is when I'm in love with myself more than my Jesus. Fear is when I'm not trusting when I can't see. There is never ever room to be fearful when doing what God has called you to do where He has called you to do it. He calls us to close our eyes and take the leap of faith, no matter how scary it is, because He will always be there to catch us. He promises to be everything we need Him to be and He promises to provide everything we need to bring Him glory, to further His Kingdom. That is what this whole life is about.
So while I doubt and while I fear, God keeps reminding me to rejoice in the pain, to laugh in the face of what seems like danger to me. He is all I need, so why should anything else matter? If I'm sticking closely to Him, if I'm falling more in love with Him, if I run into His arms instead of the arms of worldly comfort, I shouldn't have to fear conformity. He will keep radically changing my heart to make it more like His when I'm following in His footsteps. And though leaving my family seems scary to me and though I don't want to give them up, He'll be my best friend, the One to put up with me when I mess up, the One to hold me when I'm falling apart, the One who cheers me up when I'm down, the One who draws me closer and closer to Himself. And He will be my home. I can rejoice with SO much joy and gladness in my heart and I can rest in this.
And so while HE brings all of these loose ends together and while He plans out every detail that I couldn't even possibly think of, I sit in awe and I watch. It only falls apart when I try to do it myself. But once I sit back and watch Him do His miracles, peace rushes over, awe leaves me speechless, love grows deeper in my heart, and hope and assurance in Him as my King gives me perseverance. I can't do this on my own, so when He brings me through, when He's doing His God-thing, I can know at the end of it all that none of the glory can go to myself because I did nothing on my own. HE is the One who made it all happen, who made it all work. HE is the One who is to be praised all the time, everyday. HE is my Jesus, my Savior, my King and to Him alone forever I will sing!
You see, sometimes I get it in my head that I need to draw charts and maps and explain and lay everything out for God to know how my life should pan out. I know what I want and I think I need to make sure God knows how to get me there. But then God does a funny thing where I'm pretty sure He laughs at me and then sends me in the opposite direction just so that He can teach me humility, trust, love, and faithfulness.. and because He has a greater purpose in mind than I do, a plan that will ultimately bring Him the most glory possible.
Truth is, I don't want to go back to the states. I mean, I do because this is what He has called me to and so I know that He will carry me through, He'll teach me, and He'll use it to further His Kingdom. And also because I'll get to see my friends and family that I haven't seen in such a very long time! But I don't want to because going back to the states means comfort, it means everything I want right at my fingertips, it means me going to the place where I was who I now have come to hate. God has shown me so much over the last two years since we've been in Guatemala and I'm afraid that being in my old setting, in my old "home" I'll go back to being who I was. I don't want to conform, to go with the flow, to be like everyone else, to blend into the background. I want to be that shining city on the hill, the one who's sold out for Jesus, the one who will stick out like a sore thumb(in a good way, though), the one who goes against the flow, to be like my Jesus like I'm supposed to be. But what if I trade Him in for the ugly, insignificant, cheap ways of this world? What if I betray Him like Peter did just before Jesus gave His life for him?
I also am scared of leaving my family and branching out and being on my own. I lean so much on my sisters, on my parents-sometimes it can be a good thing, but I think now I'm to the point where it's becoming a not-so-good-thing. They're my best friends, my family, the ones who put up with me when I mess up, the ones who hold me when I'm falling apart, the ones who cheer me up when I'm down, the ones who encourage me to radically follow after my Jesus, they are my home.
Though I can convince myself that these reasons are good, real, legit reasons as to why I have a right to be afraid, they most certainly are not. Perfect love drives out fear. Fear is when I'm in love with myself more than my Jesus. Fear is when I'm not trusting when I can't see. There is never ever room to be fearful when doing what God has called you to do where He has called you to do it. He calls us to close our eyes and take the leap of faith, no matter how scary it is, because He will always be there to catch us. He promises to be everything we need Him to be and He promises to provide everything we need to bring Him glory, to further His Kingdom. That is what this whole life is about.
So while I doubt and while I fear, God keeps reminding me to rejoice in the pain, to laugh in the face of what seems like danger to me. He is all I need, so why should anything else matter? If I'm sticking closely to Him, if I'm falling more in love with Him, if I run into His arms instead of the arms of worldly comfort, I shouldn't have to fear conformity. He will keep radically changing my heart to make it more like His when I'm following in His footsteps. And though leaving my family seems scary to me and though I don't want to give them up, He'll be my best friend, the One to put up with me when I mess up, the One to hold me when I'm falling apart, the One who cheers me up when I'm down, the One who draws me closer and closer to Himself. And He will be my home. I can rejoice with SO much joy and gladness in my heart and I can rest in this.
And so while HE brings all of these loose ends together and while He plans out every detail that I couldn't even possibly think of, I sit in awe and I watch. It only falls apart when I try to do it myself. But once I sit back and watch Him do His miracles, peace rushes over, awe leaves me speechless, love grows deeper in my heart, and hope and assurance in Him as my King gives me perseverance. I can't do this on my own, so when He brings me through, when He's doing His God-thing, I can know at the end of it all that none of the glory can go to myself because I did nothing on my own. HE is the One who made it all happen, who made it all work. HE is the One who is to be praised all the time, everyday. HE is my Jesus, my Savior, my King and to Him alone forever I will sing!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Love
All of this? We (well, at least I) spend so much time waiting and stressing and thinking and thinking and thinking. But all of this is worthless. Jesus has a plan for it all. My life is to serve Him, to tell of this hope that I have found, to worship with my all because anything else I could do would be worthless. He is my Creator, my Redeemer, my Savior, my BEST friend. He is my all and He is all that matters. Hope, faith, love, peace and perseverance cannot come from anywhere else but in Him. He is the Creator of them all. So all this stress, thinking and planning and trying-to-distract-myself-so-I'll-forget is the flesh screaming out to me to take my eyes off of Him. It's goal is to keep me far away and convince myself that I know what's best and I can make it without Him. But that is just a big fat hairy lie that doesn't belong in the mind and heart of God's children, it doesn't belong to me. Love, faith, hope, peace, grace, mercy, and perseverance belong to me.
Not because I deserve it, but because Jesus paid the price, He made a way. It is by HIS grace that covers me that those are mine and for me to cling to and take hold of. HE is mine to cling to in ALL times of life because HE loved me, because He has plans for those He calls His own; plans to prosper and to give a hope and a future. HE made a way so that we can share His love and grace with others too.
Today we celebrate Valentine's Day, but how many people that celebrate it actually know the true, free PUREST of pure love that is given them?
There is a Savior who made us all just for His own pleasure so that we could constantly bring Him praise, but we failed Him from the beginning and have been failing Him all the time since. But because of LOVE, He came and was slaughtered on our behalf. He took our place so that we could have life-everlasting, a perfect life (that is yet to come) of worshipping Him all the time. He did it because of LOVE and not only does He give us life eternal, but He promises to walk with us through the steps of life. He carries us and gives us strength that is found nowhere but in Him because of LOVE. He guides, He speaks, He gives peace, He calms the storms, moves the mountains, and He breathes life into these dry bones of ours. And when we fall and mess up, He's there to pick us up again and dust us off because of LOVE. He gave the ULTIMATE gift, He made the ULTIMATE sacrifice for us because of LOVE.
So there is hope, there is love, there is a purpose for this life; to get to know Him by spending time with Him, waking up in the morning and being so excited and not being able to wait to hear from Him, to meet with Him, to fall in love with Him and to commit to Him for all the days of the rest of our lives through sickness and in health, through the good and the bad. There is a love that grows more everyday, that doesn't burn up or fizzle out. And that is the love of Jesus Christ.
How could there ever be a better valentine than that?
Not because I deserve it, but because Jesus paid the price, He made a way. It is by HIS grace that covers me that those are mine and for me to cling to and take hold of. HE is mine to cling to in ALL times of life because HE loved me, because He has plans for those He calls His own; plans to prosper and to give a hope and a future. HE made a way so that we can share His love and grace with others too.
Today we celebrate Valentine's Day, but how many people that celebrate it actually know the true, free PUREST of pure love that is given them?
There is a Savior who made us all just for His own pleasure so that we could constantly bring Him praise, but we failed Him from the beginning and have been failing Him all the time since. But because of LOVE, He came and was slaughtered on our behalf. He took our place so that we could have life-everlasting, a perfect life (that is yet to come) of worshipping Him all the time. He did it because of LOVE and not only does He give us life eternal, but He promises to walk with us through the steps of life. He carries us and gives us strength that is found nowhere but in Him because of LOVE. He guides, He speaks, He gives peace, He calms the storms, moves the mountains, and He breathes life into these dry bones of ours. And when we fall and mess up, He's there to pick us up again and dust us off because of LOVE. He gave the ULTIMATE gift, He made the ULTIMATE sacrifice for us because of LOVE.
So there is hope, there is love, there is a purpose for this life; to get to know Him by spending time with Him, waking up in the morning and being so excited and not being able to wait to hear from Him, to meet with Him, to fall in love with Him and to commit to Him for all the days of the rest of our lives through sickness and in health, through the good and the bad. There is a love that grows more everyday, that doesn't burn up or fizzle out. And that is the love of Jesus Christ.
How could there ever be a better valentine than that?
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
"Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.."
The most well-known prayer ever heard; The Lord's Prayer.
Before I was adopted and even before I went into foster care, I remember and reciting this prayer as a stereotypical 5 year old girl, on my knees with my hands together at the side of my bed just before Mommy Melissa read to me my favorite Winnie the Pooh and Piglet story book. I had no idea what it meant, I didn't even know what half of the words were. Who ever said, "art," and "thy," and "hallowed"? I just figured it was "big people stuff" and only recited it to be the perfect little angel I thought I was and wanted everyone to think I was.
Years later I learned that Jesus actually said that prayer. Really? That guy that everyone told me about, that everyone told me He loved me is the One who came up with those words? I relearned the passage of scripture in a Bible Club we attended every week on our cul-de-sac so I could win an extra prize.
Now as I've gotten older, I've heard a few different people telling their point of view and wisdom on it. And I think there could be several ways you could interpret it. Tonight as I was washing the many dishes after dinner, I had a thought..
What if He meant for there not to be people going to bed every night with a rumbling tummy? What if those of us who have been given much learned to give and actually fed, clothed, and took care of the people who are in real need? What if there would never be people with empty tummies and the people currently without homes with a home to call their own? What if world poverty vaporized and people lived equally without unfair deaths and illness and suffering simply because they didn't have the basic necessities for life such as water, clothing, a roof over their head, sanitation, and money for even simple medical care?
What if we learned to love our Jesus more than life, more than these material things we get ourselves attached to? What if that love came in us and consumed us and overtook our thoughts and actions? What if we learned to love with a love that even we don't understand, the love He gives us unconditionally?
But what if while we vaporized the poverty and that love we were given splashed out onto others as we serve, and what if we taught them to worship Jesus and give him the praise and glory He deserves? What if we all together praised Jesus all the time for everything because we are so in love with Him that nothing else matters? What if this earth got turned upside down because of the defeat of the enemy and his lies because the author of LOVE itself defeated him a long time ago? What if we always clung tightly to His name, trusting Him in every circumstance, loving with His love, serving with His passion, giving with His heart, and surrendering and following with reckless abandon? What if God was brought all the glory and honor He actually deserves because even the rocks cry out to Him? Would that be 'His will done on earth as it is in Heaven'?
What if we sang in one giant chorus the song we were made to sing, bringing the glory we were made to bring to the Beautiful name of our Jesus?
What if we sang the words,
"Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,
who was, and is, and is to come."
and,
"You are wrthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."
and,
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power
for ever and ever!"
from the moment we opened our eyes in the morning until we close them at night as we fall back asleep because we reccognize that He is all we need?
What do you think the earth would look like then?
Could we actually make that happen?
Are you ready to try?
I know I am.
God, may Your name be brought all the glory and the honor and the praise forever and ever. May You be exalted high above every other name, may You be the fortress we cling to and look to in times of distress. May we take refuge in Your love and mercy and may we never let go. Help us to radically love you more and help it to spill out to others as we go and make disciples for You, Lord! You are good and there is nothing that we could ever offer you that would come close to what you deserve. We desire You and only You. Come and fill us and don't stop filling us until there is nothing left inside but You. May YOUR will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.."
The most well-known prayer ever heard; The Lord's Prayer.
Before I was adopted and even before I went into foster care, I remember and reciting this prayer as a stereotypical 5 year old girl, on my knees with my hands together at the side of my bed just before Mommy Melissa read to me my favorite Winnie the Pooh and Piglet story book. I had no idea what it meant, I didn't even know what half of the words were. Who ever said, "art," and "thy," and "hallowed"? I just figured it was "big people stuff" and only recited it to be the perfect little angel I thought I was and wanted everyone to think I was.
Years later I learned that Jesus actually said that prayer. Really? That guy that everyone told me about, that everyone told me He loved me is the One who came up with those words? I relearned the passage of scripture in a Bible Club we attended every week on our cul-de-sac so I could win an extra prize.
Now as I've gotten older, I've heard a few different people telling their point of view and wisdom on it. And I think there could be several ways you could interpret it. Tonight as I was washing the many dishes after dinner, I had a thought..
What if He meant for there not to be people going to bed every night with a rumbling tummy? What if those of us who have been given much learned to give and actually fed, clothed, and took care of the people who are in real need? What if there would never be people with empty tummies and the people currently without homes with a home to call their own? What if world poverty vaporized and people lived equally without unfair deaths and illness and suffering simply because they didn't have the basic necessities for life such as water, clothing, a roof over their head, sanitation, and money for even simple medical care?
What if we learned to love our Jesus more than life, more than these material things we get ourselves attached to? What if that love came in us and consumed us and overtook our thoughts and actions? What if we learned to love with a love that even we don't understand, the love He gives us unconditionally?
But what if while we vaporized the poverty and that love we were given splashed out onto others as we serve, and what if we taught them to worship Jesus and give him the praise and glory He deserves? What if we all together praised Jesus all the time for everything because we are so in love with Him that nothing else matters? What if this earth got turned upside down because of the defeat of the enemy and his lies because the author of LOVE itself defeated him a long time ago? What if we always clung tightly to His name, trusting Him in every circumstance, loving with His love, serving with His passion, giving with His heart, and surrendering and following with reckless abandon? What if God was brought all the glory and honor He actually deserves because even the rocks cry out to Him? Would that be 'His will done on earth as it is in Heaven'?
What if we sang in one giant chorus the song we were made to sing, bringing the glory we were made to bring to the Beautiful name of our Jesus?
What if we sang the words,
"Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,
who was, and is, and is to come."
and,
"You are wrthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."
and,
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power
for ever and ever!"
from the moment we opened our eyes in the morning until we close them at night as we fall back asleep because we reccognize that He is all we need?
What do you think the earth would look like then?
Could we actually make that happen?
Are you ready to try?
I know I am.
God, may Your name be brought all the glory and the honor and the praise forever and ever. May You be exalted high above every other name, may You be the fortress we cling to and look to in times of distress. May we take refuge in Your love and mercy and may we never let go. Help us to radically love you more and help it to spill out to others as we go and make disciples for You, Lord! You are good and there is nothing that we could ever offer you that would come close to what you deserve. We desire You and only You. Come and fill us and don't stop filling us until there is nothing left inside but You. May YOUR will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.
Monday, January 14, 2013
This morning we pull up to the airport, help her get her things out of the back, and then wait in line as we hug her and kiss her and whisper those bitter sweet words of "good-bye" to her and send her off. I only say they're bitter sweet because it is so very hard letting go, but they are also sweet because she's running into her Savior's arms all by herself so that He can carry her through this next phase in life.
It seems like it was just yesterday when we were running around the cul-de-sac playing tag with all the neighbor kids without a care in the world. We had dreams of who we might be one day, where we might go, what we might do.. We were best friends and sisters all built into one, we were inseparable. Sure we bickered and argued some, but we were kids and everything always seemed like it was the end of the world. I'd watch her walk away from me, knowing she'd always come right back. And we would always come back around to the conclusion that even though we argued and got on each others nerves, we still loved each other.
Time passed and it only taught us to fight less and become even better friends. We were home schooled in 8th grade and went to school at our church with only a few other kids, so we really only had each other as far as kids our age. God was teaching us a lot then and one day Carissa comes in our room and tells me she's scared, but that God was calling her to go all the way to Uganda, Africa. WHAT!? Thinking she was crazy, God slowly taught me of His want for me to go there too, and it was only a matter of time when I, too, decided that was where He was calling me.
A little more time passed by and all 3 of our oldest sisters went off to college. We were the oldest in the house, we have our licences to drive, we have the same job, we did everything together! Twice that year my parents came here to Guatemala for 9-day trips and we were asked to be 'mommies' for that time that our real mommy would be gone. The first trip we went to our grandparents' house all the way in Pennsylvania, the second trip we stayed home and had a couple friends stay at our house with us more for 'moral' support than anything else and we learned how to be stretched more than we would've wished to at that time.
Then God calls our family (all but one) to Guatemala and we all take this giant leap of faith and trust Him as He takes us through the unknown. Carissa and I still know that this won't be permanent; it will only be a 'pit stop' for before we actually head to our longer destination, Uganda, Africa. These last 2 years, the four of us oldest ones learn to be best of the best friends and we all do everything together. We learn a new culture, a new language, a new ministry, a new level of faith, and God deepens each of the passions He has instilled in our hearts for the countries He has called us to. We all share our struggles, our strengths, and everything in between and we learn how to be better sisters than we used to be.
After what seems like forever(that was partly our fault for not actually working to make it come sooner), God works it out that we both get to go to Uganda for 6 weeks to learn direction, culture, and to help deepen our passions for the place we will one day call 'home'. We plan the trip, and while we're planing it, God calls Carissa to go back two and a half months later and to nanny a family of a few kids for 6 months so that way she can learn to actually live life there long-term, so she can figure out how God wants her to start up her ministry, and to learn more of the culture and language before she goes there permanently. God does incredible things while we are there for our short trip and He gives us so many memories that we will never forget.
We come home and share with everyone that we have indeed been called there permanently and we try to enjoy ever bit of time we can with each other all together, trying to fit all the 'last times' for her to do before she leaves us 2 and a half months after we get back home. We make so many awesome memories, have an awesome time, have some new experiences, and we laugh. Oh, how we laugh together. We try to soak up all those last moments the best we can, but still the time comes too soon and we wonder where in the world it all went..
And now I sit here, remembering and longing for those days when we were just kids, when we didn't have a care in the world but to have fun and enjoy being a kid. And I'm faced with the reality of how old we really are, and with the fact that the time has come for us to grow up and do the things God is asking us to do. She's a big girl now and I watched her as she walked all by herself into the crowd of people outside of the airport, knowing it will be a long time until she will come back. And the tears were flowing and my heart was aching. How did we get this old without me realizing it?
But in spite of the heartache and the tears that come at such unexpected times, God has given me so much peace. Though my sister (and one of my best friends) is being taken away, she is going to be used for His Kingdom to save souls, to love on the unloved, to give hope to the hopeless, to be the very woman He has called her to be. And I am so very proud of her.
And though the hug couldn't ever be long enough and the time with her felt all-too short, I can't wait until the day that I can get to hug her again and spend time with her and meet her again with her wiser, more matured heart and with a bigger fire and passion for Jesus than ever before.. even if that means that I'll have to wait until we are both in Uganda being dangerous for our King!
It seems like it was just yesterday when we were running around the cul-de-sac playing tag with all the neighbor kids without a care in the world. We had dreams of who we might be one day, where we might go, what we might do.. We were best friends and sisters all built into one, we were inseparable. Sure we bickered and argued some, but we were kids and everything always seemed like it was the end of the world. I'd watch her walk away from me, knowing she'd always come right back. And we would always come back around to the conclusion that even though we argued and got on each others nerves, we still loved each other.
Time passed and it only taught us to fight less and become even better friends. We were home schooled in 8th grade and went to school at our church with only a few other kids, so we really only had each other as far as kids our age. God was teaching us a lot then and one day Carissa comes in our room and tells me she's scared, but that God was calling her to go all the way to Uganda, Africa. WHAT!? Thinking she was crazy, God slowly taught me of His want for me to go there too, and it was only a matter of time when I, too, decided that was where He was calling me.
A little more time passed by and all 3 of our oldest sisters went off to college. We were the oldest in the house, we have our licences to drive, we have the same job, we did everything together! Twice that year my parents came here to Guatemala for 9-day trips and we were asked to be 'mommies' for that time that our real mommy would be gone. The first trip we went to our grandparents' house all the way in Pennsylvania, the second trip we stayed home and had a couple friends stay at our house with us more for 'moral' support than anything else and we learned how to be stretched more than we would've wished to at that time.
Then God calls our family (all but one) to Guatemala and we all take this giant leap of faith and trust Him as He takes us through the unknown. Carissa and I still know that this won't be permanent; it will only be a 'pit stop' for before we actually head to our longer destination, Uganda, Africa. These last 2 years, the four of us oldest ones learn to be best of the best friends and we all do everything together. We learn a new culture, a new language, a new ministry, a new level of faith, and God deepens each of the passions He has instilled in our hearts for the countries He has called us to. We all share our struggles, our strengths, and everything in between and we learn how to be better sisters than we used to be.
After what seems like forever(that was partly our fault for not actually working to make it come sooner), God works it out that we both get to go to Uganda for 6 weeks to learn direction, culture, and to help deepen our passions for the place we will one day call 'home'. We plan the trip, and while we're planing it, God calls Carissa to go back two and a half months later and to nanny a family of a few kids for 6 months so that way she can learn to actually live life there long-term, so she can figure out how God wants her to start up her ministry, and to learn more of the culture and language before she goes there permanently. God does incredible things while we are there for our short trip and He gives us so many memories that we will never forget.
We come home and share with everyone that we have indeed been called there permanently and we try to enjoy ever bit of time we can with each other all together, trying to fit all the 'last times' for her to do before she leaves us 2 and a half months after we get back home. We make so many awesome memories, have an awesome time, have some new experiences, and we laugh. Oh, how we laugh together. We try to soak up all those last moments the best we can, but still the time comes too soon and we wonder where in the world it all went..
And now I sit here, remembering and longing for those days when we were just kids, when we didn't have a care in the world but to have fun and enjoy being a kid. And I'm faced with the reality of how old we really are, and with the fact that the time has come for us to grow up and do the things God is asking us to do. She's a big girl now and I watched her as she walked all by herself into the crowd of people outside of the airport, knowing it will be a long time until she will come back. And the tears were flowing and my heart was aching. How did we get this old without me realizing it?
But in spite of the heartache and the tears that come at such unexpected times, God has given me so much peace. Though my sister (and one of my best friends) is being taken away, she is going to be used for His Kingdom to save souls, to love on the unloved, to give hope to the hopeless, to be the very woman He has called her to be. And I am so very proud of her.
And though the hug couldn't ever be long enough and the time with her felt all-too short, I can't wait until the day that I can get to hug her again and spend time with her and meet her again with her wiser, more matured heart and with a bigger fire and passion for Jesus than ever before.. even if that means that I'll have to wait until we are both in Uganda being dangerous for our King!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Jesus, the Son of GOD. Fully God and fully man, He came to earth to save us all. He could have chosen to come as a great king who ruled many nations and showed God's great majesty and power. He could have come with lightning bolts, thunder and fire to show that He was GOD. He could have come with a glorious entrance into the world and He could have had a slam big finish to leave it. He could have come in the way He deserved to come (being fully God), but He didn't.
He came in the womb of a young girl. He was born in a cave full of smelly animals and with nothing else to be laid in but a feeding trough with poky hay. He came as a little child and grew in stature and in wisdom, just like all of us. He was born into a poor family whose provider was a carpenter, and thus grew up learning to be a carpenter too. He came in humility, He was the servant of servants. He taught wherever He went about how to follow Him and how to live a life that honored God. He walked in the streets, risking ridicule from others, risking being stoned, risking being thrown into jail, and risking being killed because the words He spoke were of authority that God gave Him. He didn't teach how to be a great person, getting everything in life you want. He taught humility, to be a servant of servants, to give your all, to risk your life for God, to live a life radically following after His example. He taught sharing the cost of being a Christ-follower.
He hung out with fishermen, he dined with tax collectors and prostitutes, not caring what other people would think of Him. He touched lepers, He cast out demons, He raised the dead, He washed His disciples' feet, He walked for days at a time just to preach the Gospel. He stretched out His arms to love on children.. and then He stretched them out again to save us all. He was beaten, mocked, spit on, ridiculed and nailed to a cross because He loves you and me. Then He went to Hell for 3 days and He took our place but then defeated death and sits on a thrown next to His Father until He comes back.
He did it because of His mercy, grace, love, and compassion. He bent down low to serve, to help, to heal, and to love. He did it to stoop down and be a real person with real-life circumstances so that He could relate to us and show us that there really is hope.
* * *
I look around me as I climb onto the bus as people glance up at me and then quickly look away. I gently offer a "buenas tardes" as I pass through the aisle and I grab onto the bars up top so I don't fall on anyone as the driver pushes on the gas. I look around at brown faces and black hair that almost look the same at first glance, yet are so distinctly different once looked at for more than a second. Each one carrying their own set of life experiences and burdens, each with a mission and a goal to pursue.
* * *
I ask for 10 lbs of potatoes, 6 lbs of green beans, 6 carrots, 3 lbs of tomatoes, 10 onions, 5 peppers, and even more veggies and I hold out my quickly-filling bag to see her hard-working hands put them in there for me. She manages a crooked smile as I smile big at her and thank her as she hands me back my change.
* * *
I kindly tell her I'm not interested in buying anything from her as she holds out her arms to me, both full of necklaces and scarves. She's there everyday in the park trying to support her family and make ends meet, and every time I have to tell her I have no money or I don't need anything else. Disappointment flashes in her eyes because yet another person has told her 'no,' so she'll just have to try to find someone else.
* * *
I hear 'perdon' lightly whispered just after she bumps me with boxes filling her arms that hardly allow her to see around them and her hair almost completely hiding her face. The hard work is written all over her face, she's just ready for a break, to be done with all this, to just go home. I smile at her and she manages one back to me between breaths.
* * *
It's not even 10:30 and he rushes passed me, skipping ahead with his backpack held up high over everyone's heads, hands stained with blood and blisters from a hard morning and he bends down to help a little one and her mother up the steps and then he skips back on his way again as if everything was okay.
* * *
She groans at me and I have to look at her face to tell whether it was a laugh or a cry. She's smiling at me because I chose her to hold, to talk to, to love on for the morning. She tries to tell me stories, stories I can't even come close to understanding, but I listen anyways because who else is going to sit down and take the time to listen to her? I hold her in-between my legs instead of on my lap because she's soaked in urine, and likely has been for a long time and still some gets on me and that's okay because I'd rather that than for her to sit all alone in her chair like she does everyday.
* * *
I go over and sit her up in her 'crib' ("It's a crib if you sleep in it, it's a cage if you live in it," my dad always says and I know he's right). I gently rub her back as she gets better situated and then she just stares at me. I ask her how her day went, what life's been like since I saw her last even though I know she can't answer me back. I ask her anyways because she deserves to have an opinion, to be thought about, for someone to be patient with her. And I hug her and kiss her and whisper that she's beautiful even though I know she won't believe me because everyone else tells her otherwise.
* * *
She walks by me all the time, feet dirty and calloused from years of not wearing shoes. Baskets always on her head, a mission always written on her face, she always smiles at me with half of her teeth missing. She waves and wishes me a good day.
* * *
I close my eyes and I remember her so vividly. Half of her black face completely covered in scars and an eye missing because of stepping on a land mine while she was gardening just a couple years ago, she looks straight at me and tells me God has great plans for me and that He loves me and so does she.
* * *
He runs up behind me and musters all the courage he can and he touches my white skin just to check to see if I have painted it because mine is so very different from his. I bend down to my knees and I open my arms and even more courageously he runs into them and gives me a hug and I tell him I love him in English, even though I know he only speaks Luganda.
* * *
She gives me a beaded necklace she spent a few hours making and smiles at me, even though she's only 1 year older than me and her 4 year old son and her 2 year old daughter are now forced to live with her grandmother because her husband gambles all their money away. She looks at me as if I deserve better than her and my heart aches and I just want her to know that she deserves so much better than me..
* * *
She turns the corner and sees me and we had met once before and she kneels down and our eyes almost meet because she's so tall and she kisses my hand because it's a sign of respect and she feels like she owes it to me. I take her hand and kiss it and help her to stand up and give her a hug because she's the one who deserves respect, not me. Her husband died a few years ago and she's supporting her daughter alone and still gives almost everything she has because Jesus has radically taken hold of her and she wants to give as He gave.
* * *
All of these people and so many more fill my mind as I think of how much I am blessed. Each one of these people are so beautiful and each one deserves the whole world, yet they have nothing. Sometimes they have less than nothing and I sit here and complain because the fridge doesn't hold something that'll hit the spot for lunch. I look at all that is needed to be done to apply to a school, to be accepted, and then work to actually get there, and I think about my sister leaving for Uganda and me not knowing when I'll see her next, and I realize that this doesn't even compare to the problems and situations such as lives taken from AIDS and husbands getting eaten by alligators that these people face every single day. I look at my past and I get upset sometimes that it looks different than some of my siblings' pasts, and I realize that even that, the biggest and hardest thing I've ever gone through, doesn't even compare to what they have faced many times over in their lifetimes.
God has blessed me with so much in this life. He has given me so much more than I ever need and I could never deserve any of it. I don't deserve all that I have in my life anymore than any of these people I pass by; I am no better than them. So why would Jesus choose me, small, broken, inadequate Teisha, to lavish these gifts upon? I cannot give an answer because I just don't know. But I do know that because He has chosen me, I have been given much responsibility. It is my responsibility to reach those that these people can't for Jesus. It is my responsibility to proclaim His name wherever I go, to share hope that can't be found otherwise, to love with a love they have not known, to bend down and serve them, even when they think I am the one to be served. Because that is exactly what my Jesus did when He was here on earth, and no student is greater than his teacher. I must follow in His steps and do as He did. I must give my all to Him because He is the One who deserves it in the first place.
I have no idea how good at this I will be. In fact, I know that I will fail so many times in the future to come. But even so, I must push forward and keep trying even when I do fail. I must because, like I said, I must follow in His steps..
To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. -1 Peter 2:21
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