I can't believe it's been a whole month since I've posted last. In so many ways this last month has flown by and I'm sitting here wishing I had gotten a better grasp on it as it went by. And yet again it has gone by so slowly that I feel like it might not ever end (exaggerating, I know). The reasons why I haven't posted certainly aren't good enough to actually be called excuses. I have been trying to fit in ministry, family time and God time in these last few months I have here.. and I have been busy with trying all I can in my tiny human power to make all these crazy plans of me going back to the states. And I, personally, have failed thus far. I'm Teisha, I'm human, I'm far from perfect, I'm powerless. I can't do this on my own, what was I thinking?

You see, sometimes I get it in my head that I need to draw charts and maps and explain and lay everything out for God to know how my life should pan out. I know what I want and I think I need to make sure God knows how to get me there. But then God does a funny thing where I'm pretty sure He laughs at me and then sends me in the opposite direction just so that He can teach me humility, trust, love, and faithfulness.. and because He has a greater purpose in mind than I do, a plan that will ultimately bring Him the most glory possible.

Truth is, I don't want to go back to the states. I mean, I do because this is what He has called me to and so I  know that He will carry me through, He'll teach me, and He'll use it to further His Kingdom. And also because I'll get to see my friends and family that I haven't seen in such a very long time! But I don't want to because going back to the states means comfort, it means everything I want right at my fingertips, it means me going to the place where I was who I now have come to hate. God has shown me so much over the last two years since we've been in Guatemala and I'm afraid that being in my old setting, in my old "home" I'll go back to being who I was. I don't want to conform, to go with the flow, to be like everyone else, to blend into the background. I want to be that shining city on the hill, the one who's sold out for Jesus, the one who will stick out like a sore thumb(in a good way, though), the one who goes against the flow, to be like my Jesus like I'm supposed to be. But what if I trade Him in for the ugly, insignificant, cheap ways of this world? What if I betray Him like Peter did just before Jesus gave His life for him?

I also am scared of leaving my family and branching out and being on my own. I lean so much on my sisters, on my parents-sometimes it can be a good thing, but I think now I'm to the point where it's becoming a not-so-good-thing. They're my best friends, my family, the ones who put up with me when I mess up, the ones who hold me when I'm falling apart, the ones who cheer me up when I'm down, the ones who encourage me to radically follow after my Jesus, they are my home. 

Though I can convince myself that these reasons are good, real, legit reasons as to why I have a right to be afraid, they most certainly are not. Perfect love drives out fear. Fear is when I'm in love with myself more than my Jesus. Fear is when I'm not trusting when I can't see. There is never ever room to be fearful when doing what God has called you to do where He has called you to do it. He calls us to close our eyes and take the leap of faith, no matter how scary it is, because He will always be there to catch us. He promises to be everything we need Him to be and He promises to provide everything we need to bring Him glory, to further His Kingdom. That is what this whole life is about.

So while I doubt and while I fear, God keeps reminding me to rejoice in the pain, to laugh in the face of what seems like danger to me. He is all I need, so why should anything else matter? If I'm sticking closely to Him, if I'm falling more in love with Him, if I run into His arms instead of the arms of worldly comfort, I shouldn't have to fear conformity. He will keep radically changing my heart to make it more like His when I'm following in His footsteps. And though leaving my family seems scary to me and though I don't want to give them up, He'll be my best friend, the One to put up with me when I mess up, the One to hold me when I'm falling apart, the One who cheers me up when I'm down, the One who draws me closer and closer to Himself. And He will be my home. I can rejoice with SO much joy and gladness in my heart and I can rest in this.

And so while HE brings all of these loose ends together and while He plans out every detail that I couldn't even possibly think of, I sit in awe and I watch. It only falls apart when I try to do it myself. But once I sit back and watch Him do His miracles, peace rushes over, awe leaves me speechless, love grows deeper in my heart, and hope and assurance in Him as my King gives me perseverance. I can't do this on my own, so when He brings me through, when He's doing His God-thing, I can know at the end of it all that none of the glory can go to myself because I did nothing on my own. HE is the One who made it all happen, who made it all work. HE is the One who is to be praised all the time, everyday. HE is my Jesus, my Savior, my King and to Him alone forever I will sing!