Today I sit here, in awe and I'm speachless in front of my amazing God. I don't understand why He has chosen me, and nor will I even try. Because I know that as hard as I may try, I will never understand. Not that He has chosen me to do anything great in this moment,  but I don't understand why I get to be a part of His great story. I don't understand why He gives me His love unconditionally and I don't understand how He could never give up on me. But I am thankful. I am thankful that no matter what I do, no matter what I struggle to give up, He is still there for me, waiting with open arms. He is there for me. Always. And I can't even fathom it. But like I said, I am thankful.

The last few months, I've struggled. I've struggled to let go of my own will, of what I want, and cling to His precious hand. I've struggled to hear His voice over the voice of the one who wants to destroy me. I wish I could say that I chose to listen His voice, but if I did, it wouldn't be true. The last few months, I listened to the lie of the enemy that I know what's best for me. I know what I need, I know what will ultimately make me happy. But like I said, that was just a big fat lie.

To this very moment, I'm struggling to hold on to His saving hand.. I'm struggling to remember that He knows what is best for me. I'm struggling to remember that He is good no matter what. I'm struggling to let go of my desires and cling to His..

I most definitely do not understand why God does the things that He does. I can't even imagine His great story that He has for me, for all of us... And sometimes it's really hard to see things from  His perspective, simply because He is far too complex and too big for my small, insignificant imagination.

But as I sit here, fighting myself to do what is what He wants me to do, I remember that He is good. He has never EVER failed me before. And He has promised me that He will never fail me in the future. Though all of this is happening now, and though it doesn't make sense to me, I can trust that He knows what He is doing.

A long time ago when I was a little girl, and I was ripped away from my biological family's arms and placed into a stranger's home, I never could've imagined why God would do such a thing to me... I know I didn't yet have a relationship with Him at the time, I still didn't understand all that was happening... But now that I can look back on it, now that it is all done and over, I can see that He knew what was best. I can see how His great hand held me through it all,  and I can see that that was the best thing that has ever happened to me.. even though at the time it felt like it was the most horrible thing that could ever happen.
So now when I look all around me, I feel like I know what is best for me. But (like always...) I am wrong. He knows what is good for me. He knows what will ultimately make me the happiest. He knows what will in the end bring Him the most glory. And that is all that matters. I must trust in His perfect, flawless plan because He knows what He is doing.

I know that it will only be a matter of time that I will forget all that I'm learning now... I will fail in trusting Him. But for now, I am trying to cling to His goodness, to what He has planned for me because I know that on my own, I am not enough. And while I'm trying to remember all this, I sit in His loving arms trying to find His peace, with my heart about to burst out of my chest. Closing my eyes because if I look around again at the mess I've made, I just might completely fall apart. I'm trying to trust Him to hold me together, because on my own, I can't do it because I am nothing.
So I ask for your prayers that I will trust in Him who never fails... and I will pray the same for all of you..

God's faithfulness

On Wednesday, our family drove to Mexico because it was our 6 month mark of being in Guatemala and we had to renew our visas. We stayed in Tapachula, Mexico in a Comfort Inn hotel. It was a blast! There was a pool and I think we swam like 5 times...

Friday came and it was time for us to come back home. Following our GPS, we found ourselves traveling a much different route than we had taken to get there... and because our GPS was our only means of getting back home, we just had to do exactly as she (her name was Rakel or Carla) told us to do. As we were driving, the roads got rougher, the people gave us wierder looks because not many cars at all drove back there...  And the more we drove, the closer time it came for it to start getting dark outside. As we were driving, you could hear each of us whispering prayers to God that He knew exactly what He was doing and asking Him that His will be done in all this.
Having never been so scared in my entire life, I was praying to God. My prayer went something like this.. "God, I know you are good and therefore what is going on right now is good. You have provided everything we needed to make this move to Guatemala, will you not provide for us now?" But then after re-thinking it over, I changed my prayer. "God, you are good no matter what. If you bring us back to safety, this will be a great story that we can tell to show how awesome and powerful You are. And it will give us all more faith in you. But if you choose for us not to make it out of here, You are still good. The move would've been worth it because we've already been able to minister to many people, we've made such great friends, and have grown in our faith in You. God, may Your will be done in this situation." But even though I prayed this prayer, I was still cared out of my mind.
After driving for some time, Dad rolled down his window to 2 men who were standing next to the road to ask where this road was leading to. They said it was only going to be a dead-end and we should retrace our steps back a while to get back to main civilization. As soon as they told us this discouraging news, I looked around to see my other family members' reactions... we all took deep breaths and immediately started praying more and more. We had been driving on these terrible roads having fears that the van would soon break down and we would have to stay in this town over night.. a van-full of gringos without any clue of where we were. All I wanted to do was cry, but having my little brother Joshua sitting next to me, constantly looking at me to try to figure out what all was going on, I held it in because I didn't want him to be as scared as I was. But we prayed and we prayed that God's will be done.

Having to drive back up the very steep mountain, it was starting to get a little dusky. And even with the van being as new as it was, couldn't haul all of us up one big hill, so the oldest girls and Mom had to get out, to see if it could make it. The hill being as steep as it was, the van just couldn't do it, so we had to push. While pushing, Brittney prayed out loud that God would give us the strength it would take to push the van up, and God was faithful and gave us the strength we needed.

Climbing back in the van, we stil continued to pray and trust that God knew exactly what He was doing. We finally made it to a road that actually had cars on it, and we all rejoiced to see other vehicles coming and going! We drove on until we came to a city called Quetzaltenango where we decided to stay the night and we would then finish the trip the next day. While thanking God for delivering us from literally the most terrifying moment in my life, we prayed that He would provide us a good, safe hotel to stay in for the night. After about an hour of driving around and passing hotels that we just didn't feel right about, we finally came across one that looked clean and safe. Dad parked the van and went to go check it out. It turned out that this hotel was Christian-run and was very cheap, yet clean and safe. We unloaded our things and tossed them into our rooms.

While Dad went out to park the van in the parking lot, I walked into my Mom and Dad's room and my Mom asked me if I was okay. I looked at her and just fell apart. Not because I was still scared, but because I had never had so many emotions running through me at one time. After just crying with her for a couple minutes, I was better. Not myself by any means, but better. When he finished parking, we all gather into one room and praised God for bringing us through. We talked about all the ways that God took care of us, even when things looked like they just kept getting worse and worse. We prayed and all went to our rooms to get some sleep before the rest of the trip that would take place the next day. But me, being the stupid worrywart that I can be sometimes, woke up numerous times from dreams that we were stuck in the village and couldn't get out. I prayed that God would give me the rest I desperately needed, and He did.

In the morning, when we set off for breakfast and the last leg of the trip, we got outside and were so relieved to see daylight. It was refreshing to know that we will have the sun to help us out on our way back home, because in the scariness of driving the previous day, the scariest parts were driven in the dark. We got on the main road and took it all the way back to Chimaltenango and Dad knew his way back from there. I can not tell you how good it felt to be back into cities that I reccognized. If felt so good to be home where I felt safe. (Oh, by the way, we changed the GPS's name to Cruella Deville..)
A couple days after this incredibly big story, I was sitting in our living room, doing my devotions. I don't know what God has for me in my future. I mean, I know that I'm supposed to go to Uganda and minister to the people there, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to get my training or how I'm supposed to get there. I was pouring my heart out to God and asking Him for direction. And I realized. While I was praying in the van, my prayer wasn't "God, please let Rakel to bring us to safety and let everything be good, and keep us safe." I prayed that God would tell her to lead us where He wanted us to go. I prayed that Rakel would pick the right roads for us to go on. And even though it seemed like she (well, God) was taking us on the wrong roads, God knew exactly where we were going. He picked the right roads for us to be on. He wanted us to have that experience for a reason, even if we could't see it then. But because of all that, I now have more faith in God. I always knew that He could do anything, but now it's written even more on my heart. From my personal experience, I saw God's hand at work. I saw Him bring us out of the most seemingly impossible situation. So even if we went through all of that for nothing else, but the fact that I have more faith in Him, it would've still been worth it. I trust Him more and can trust Him in the future when He leads me into the rural villages of Uganda. I can know that He is good no matter what and He will provide everything I will need when I need it.

So, if you ask me how our trip to Mexico went, I'd tell you a mixture of things. I'd say that the drive there and the stay there went very well and we had a blast, but the drive home was not the smoothest of drives and certainly helped me to grow in my faith...and it most definitely was not what I had expected... but I'm glad it all happened because God's hand was with us through it all.

Radical

Now that I've graduated, I find myself asking God more and more to show me what He wants for me in my future. I've been seeking Him in the little day-to-day things and asking Him what He wants me to do in the here and now... because if I'm doing what He wants me to do in the everyday kinds of things, I'll be making the decisions that He wants me to make for the future... if that makes any sense...

And since I've had more free time, I've started reading Radical by David Platt again. And it's been really good for me to see what God was saying through David Platt, because it's applying to my life right now... And as I was reading this morning, this section really popped out to me, so I thought I'd share it with all of you...

"Let's put ourselves in the shoes of thse eager followers of Jesus in the first century. What if I were the potential disciple being told to drop my nets? What if you were the man whom Jesus told to not even say good-bye to his family? What if we were told to hate our familes and give up everything we had in order to follow Jesus?
This is where we come face to face with a dangerous reality. We do have to give up everything we have to follow Jesus. We do have to love him in a way that makes our closest relationships in this world look like hate. And it is enitrely possible that he will tell us to sell everything we have and give it to the  poor.
But we don't want to believe it. We are afraid of what it might mean for our lives. So we rationalize these passages away. 'Jesus wouldn't really tell us not to bury our father or say good-bye to our family. Jesus didn't literally mean to sell all we have and give it to the poor. What Jesus really meant was...'
And this is where we need to pause. Because we are starting to redefine Christianity. We are giving in to the dangerous temptation to take the Jesus of the Bible and twist him into a version of Jesus we are more comfortable with.
A nice, middle-class, American Jesus. A Jesus who doesn't mind materialism and who would never call us to give away everything we have. A Jesus who would not expect us to forsake our closest relationships so that he receives all our affections. A Jesus who is fine with nominal devotion that does not infringe on our comforts, because, after all, he loves us just the way we are. A Jesus who wants us to be balanced, who wants us to avoid dangerous extremes, and who, for that matter, wants us to avoid anger altogether. A Jesus who brings us comfort and prosperity as we live out our Christian spin on the American dream.
But do you and I realize what we are doing at this point? We are molding Jesus into our image. He is beginning to look a lot like us because, after all, that is whom we are most comfortable with. And the danger now is that when we gather in our church buildings to sing and lift up our hands in worship, we may not actually be worshiping the Jesus of the Bible. Instead we may be worshiping ourselves."

I've felt like God was showing me these very things, but I couldn't figure out how to write it all down.. but David Platt puts it perfectly. The word 'christian' literally means 'little Christ.' Jesus lived His life uncomfortably. He was a servant. That's why He came, to serve. Not to exalt Himself above everyone else. He came to be the lowest of the low and to show God's love to those who were told didn't deserve it.

In America, we have lead ourselves to believe that we should be comfortable, to be served. We make ourselves think that God would never ask us to give anything up for Him because we deserve better. But if we are living like Jesus like we say we are, we should be putting others above us. We should be literally giving EVERYTHING we have to God. We should be living for Him, no matter the cost to ourselves. Jesus lived how God wanted Him to live, and as a result, literally lost His life because of it.

We are to give ALL we are to Jesus and we are to give EVERYTHING to Him, no matter the cost. I know it's better said than done, but I am giving my all to Him. I am letting Him shine through me, no matter the cost to myself because He is worth it. He has given me my life in the first place, so I should give my life back to Him. He is worth it all, no matter what the world makes us think. If we aren't willing to give Him our all, and if we aren't willing to live for Him, no matter the cost, we can't call ourselves Christians. We can't claim the name of Jesus for ourselves because we aren't living the way He asked us to live. We are living for ourselves and pretending that He says it's okay, when He very much so says that it's wrong.

I would most definitey encourage all of you to pick up this book and start reading it. I know it's changing my view of Christianity, showing me the things I've justified in my mind simply because I wanted to live for me. I would encourage you to really read the Bible and learn what it means to be a real Christ-follower. I will be praying for all of you and I would ask you to pray for me as well...

His love

Love. What does it mean? Why does it feel like everyone else has it but you? Everyone seems happy and content, but you. You've been searching all your life for it but just can't seem to find it. You've been thinking it's just hiding in the closet somewhere, just waiting for the time to come out and surprise you. But it hasn't happended yet...and you're wondering, if it hasn't come out already at this point, it never will. 

Let me tell you a story...

There was a king who reigned higher than any other king. His kingdom streched accross the whole land and he and his son ruled together with love. Not just any kind of love, a love that was even bigger than his kingdom. It was higher than the sky, deeper than any ocean, wider than this world, and longer than the road that his people has to walk on. Anytime his people went through famines, plagues, deaths, wars, he hurt for them. He mourned as his people mourned, rejoiced as his people rejoiced, and was there as his people needed help.

One morning, the king rose just like any other morning and he got word that his kingdom was about to go under attack. He immediately warned the armies to get ready for something big. This was not going to be like any other battle his people would have to fight. It was going to be beyond them and he knew they couldn't do it on their own. So he called his son in and got him ready to fight. He gave his son his own armor and his own sword to fight.

As the rival army approached, the king's army got in position. They would be ready for the attack. Just as the offending army approached, something happended that no one expected. The king's son, riding on his horse named Glory road in ahead of them, with sword in hand, ready to fight. He had no fear because he would do anything for his people. And in that moment, it meant going before them in the battle and being what they needed him to be. He gave his own life and won the victory. 

Word got back to the king that they had won the battle. He rejoiced that the battle had been won, but he weeped that it was to the expense of his own son. He knew what had to happen to win, but he had to do what must be done to save his people. He had to give his only son for his people because his love for them was so great. 

He mourned for three days until he got great news. His son had risen from the dead and had come to reign at his right side. He rejoiced and through a huge celebration for the whole kingdom. And forever would his son be with his people because he won the battle for them. He was so great that he gave his life for the people he so greatly loved. 

This story is a true story. The king that reigned the great kindgom is God and His son is Jesus Christ. The battle won was the battle of our souls with Satan. He thinks he can try to win us over, but Jesus went before us in this battle and won. Jesus gave His life for us because He thought we were worth it. He loved us so much to do whatever was necessary to help us win. 

But the great news of all of this is not that He died while saving us. The great news is that He defeated death. He rose and He lives in us! He was so great that even death could not hold him! The same Jesus that had the power to raise from the dead, the same Jesus who had the power to win the battle for us lives in us. 

Jesus loved you enough to litterally give His life for you. He thought you were worth the pain that would come along with it, you were worth it all. He knew all that you would do in your life, how much you would fail, how imperfect you would be, and yet He still loved you enough to die for you. That is the ultimate love ever. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8. 

THAT is love. And you can have that love by believing in Him and trusting Him that He is good. You can have that love by striving to live the perfect life He lived while He was here, on earth. 

His love is greater that you could ever imagine. And now knowing this great love, you can't say you aren't loved. Because you are. You are loved way more than you could ever fathom. And this great love is more than enough to cover what you are going through. There is hope because He is there with you, holding your hand every step you take. And every time you fall, He's there to help pick you back up again and help you on your way. You are never alone because the love of God is always with you and will never, ever leave you.

I’ve gotten several messages from people back in the states telling me how great of a person I am for doing all that I’m doing down here in Guatemala. They tell me what good I’m doing down here and they say that they wish they could do what I do… but they say they just can’t. They say I’m more courageous than they are….that I “have what it takes.” Let me tell you something. I am not courageous. I don’t have what it takes. Sometimes I think there are more days that I fear and doubt than ones that I surrender to God’s will. To be completely honest, I’m deathly scared of what my future holds. I have no idea how to get the medical training I’m going to need to go out to the villages and help those who are in true need. I have no idea how I’m going to Uganda…or when. I have no idea how I’m going to get all my school work done with all the distractions here. It scares me to death thinking about the possibility of never marrying… and taking in kids and being a single mother. God has so many plans for me, yet it seems as though I don’t know any of the answers to the questions I have about them. I have no clue how God’s going to bring everything together when it’s all said and done. But I think that’s the point of faith. Hebrews 11:1 says:
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

I hope that by the time I’m ready to see my Jesus face to face, God would have brought glory to Himself through my life. I hope that by the end, God would have allowed everything to turn out for the best because I am a child of God…because I love my Jesus. And I am sure that God will take care of all that during my lifetime. I am certain that God would never put me through anything more than what I could handle. I am certain that God will take care of my future if I serve Him with everything I am.

I have so many doubts and unanswered questions. I am terrified of what I’ll face in my future. I KNOW that I do not have what it takes to do all that God is asking me to do. But that’s the beauty of God’s grace. God gives it to us anyways because we can’t live our lives without Him. He doesn’t need us to finish out His story, He could do it all on His own…without us. But He still chooses to use us instead. He chooses us to be a part of His great story because He loves us way more than we could ever imagine.

Hebrews 11 is perhaps my favorite chapter of the Bible. It takes all of the great stories of the Bible and puts them realistically. Noah, for instance, built a huge arc to put two of every kind of animal in because of a great flood that would overtake the whole world. Unfathomable, right? If God would’ve asked me to do that today (as painful as it is to say...) I think I’d probably laugh and tell Him that’d be completely ridiculous and impossible. But God warned him of what was to come and he built the arc “out of holy fear.”

Abraham was called by God to go and should stop when God told him to stop. That would’ve been completely outrageous and seemingly reckless. He “obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” Also, Abraham was about to sacrifice his one and only son because he had nothing else to offer. He did it “even though God had said to him, ‘it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.’” He knew God is good no matter what, so he should trust Him  no matter what.

“By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.” God would seriously knock the walls down if he marched around it a bunch of times an them made a whole bunch of noise? Seriously?

All of these people had faith. They were sure of what they hoped for and certain of what they could not see. They knew God would take care of their futures and trusted Him, not matter what it would take. And God did do all He promised, in ways they could never have imagined.

So as I sit and question God’s authority about my future, when I don’t trust that He’s good no matter what, when I’m tired and overwhelmed and I don’t feel like I can do it anymore, He whispers in my ear and gives me everything I need.

I still praise Him because He has proven faithful in the past. I know I can trust Him in the future because He has never failed or let me down. I know He is good no matter what, so the situation I am in is good. He will give me all I’ll ever need because He is good. He will never fail me.

A trip with Dick Rutgers!

God is soo good to me! Wednesday and Thursday I got the wonderful opportunity to go with Dick Rutgers (and Dad, Carissa and Taryn...) into the villages... which I have been itching to do since I was back in the states. How awesome it is to have such incredible examples of how to be like my Jesus!

Dick (like my Dad says) is probably the closest thing to Jesus you'll ever meet. Well, both him and my Dad.. And having both of them together is incredible! Dick moved here about 11 or 12 years ago. Going out into the villages is only a fraction of his ministry here in Guatemala. It is a pleasure to have met him.. let alone spend 2 days with him in ministry!

On our trip, Wednesday afternoon, we went to a little girl Jessica's family's house. (Jessica is currently in Hermano Pedro Hospital because of her malnourishment.) We stopped there to see about putting a huge tank in place because they only get water for 1 hour every other day. They fill buckets, containers, pitchers, etc.. anything they can find to help store the water for when the water's not running. While we were there, we also learned about a rash Jessica's brother (Hector) had on his head. We spent Wednesday evening buying the tools necessary to put in the tank and also finding the medicines that would best take care of little Hector's rash.

Bright and early we went to breakfast and then off to Jessica's house to teach momma how to apply the creams to Hector's rash and also to put in the 200 gallon tank we purchased.... and it only took us about an hour to do it!

Our second stop was to Sergio's house. Sergio is a 20 year old young man who's wheelchair needed repaired. This was a big deal because he relys on his wheelchair to go to and from school everyday. No wheelchair, no school. Having not known what the problem might have been, Dick brought all his tools in case of anything. Thankfully, the only problem was t hat the wheelchair's battery slid out of place because of all the harsh hills Sergio has to climb on his way to school. Since we were there, Dick also made adjustments to it..and made it a little faster for him. ;)

Third stop was to Herlindo's house. Herlindo is a 6 year old little guy who's been through quite a lot. Just a few months ago, his older brother Ronnie passed away from Muscular Dystrophy only at the age of 17. Showing signs of some sickness, his parents assumed Herlindo had it too and quite frequently reminded him of the fact. Having concern, Dick took the little guy to the doctor to get all kinds of tests done.Thankfully, he doesn't have it! but because of the very bad drinking water the family has, he has the worst kind of parasite.. We went there to teach his parents the dosages of the medicines...and also to bring yet another water filter to them. Hopefully after having a doctor call and explain that they really need to be using the water filters, they will finally put it to use this time.

Before I went and during the trip, I prayed God would teach me what He wanted me to learn.. and He did.

Seeing all that the families had broke my heart. Dick's teams actually built houses for 2 of the 3 families to replace the shanties they used to live in. Seeing the old, tattered clothes the kids wore, the rotting teeth of the beautiful kids, and to see the situations these people are in, I am so thankful for all I have. I am ashamed of all the times I complain when I don't get everything I want. It makes me frustrated when I wake up every morning and don't give God thanks because of the beautiful, clean, and protective house I have. How could I be so selfish? I have way more than I need and complain about what more I want when there are people who have literally next-to-nothing.

God also showed me their brokenness and the lack of hope. After helping Jessica's family with Hector's medicine and the water tank, we prayed with them before we left. After praying, Momma looked us in the eyes and gave a sincere thank you and choked up while doing it. With my little bit of Spanish, I was able to understand the pain they've gone through. After a year and a half when their father passed away, it has been a real struggle for them to keep going....How could they have hope when they have to live wondering where the next meal is going to come from, having to wear old, torn clothing because there is nothing else in their wardrobe, when they have to hike down that mountain to get more water because all they collected in their precious one hour wasn't enough? How can hey have hope when we as Christians have failed to show it to them? It is our job to show them all they have in Christ despite what they see when they look in their home. It is our responsibility to show them the worth they have in Jesus Christ.

It is our responsibility to be Jesus to them because if we don't, they will die never having met Him and they will pass down hopelessness to their children and their children's children.

That's what I want to do with all of my heart. To bring hope to the hopeless. To love the unloved. To give worth to the abandoned. I want to share Jesus Christ with these people because if I don't, who will? He died for everyone of us, so don't you think everyone of us deserves to learn about Him? Doesn't everyone deserve the chance to get to know Him? That is my heart and passion.Though I have no idea how I'm going to do it as of now. Though I don't have the means yet to do it. Though I am only 17, I am determined to do it. This is what God has called me to do and where He calls, He provides. I know He is enough for me because He has always been enough.

Love Never Fails

I had the opportunity this past week to go to a home for malnourished kids, go to Hermano Pedro Hospital for special needs orphans, go to Kairo's Christian School for kids who desperately need to be shown the love of Jesus, and I played with many, many kids on our street. All of which have helped me to be so very thankful of all I have. All of which have helped me to see a glimpse of our God's own heart.

Tonight as I was reading my Bible,a verse stuck out to me: Luke 12:48 says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I have been given much; much is expected of me. I have a healthy, working body, I have been shown an undying love from my Jesus, I get 3 solid meals a day, I have a beautiful house to protect me every night, I have more than enough clothes to wear each week, and I have 2 Bibles from which I have the freedom to read about our incredible God. I have been entrusted with the story of our incredible Jesus to tell others about it. It is my responsibility to help those who are in need, to help those who are less fortunate than I am.

I think of severely malnourished Andrea at Casa Jackson. He was 1 year and 4 months old and VERY skinny. He would point to the coat you had to wear to hold him and would want you to just sit and hold him tightly for as long as you could. He only wanted attention, to be touched, to feel safe, to be able to trust. He would cry any time you would put him down but would stop immediately if you picked him back up again. How much has he suffered in his short little life! I can't imagine that much pain in a whole lifetime, let alone only 1 year and 4 months.

I think of the kids that attend Kairo's School who have no hope of a future. Their families only know to get married at really young ages, work the bean plantation, and have literally next to nothing. The struggle not only for the parents to keep their kids alive and healthy, but also the families that are broken because of lack of education and the knowledge of an amazing God is unbearable. I know I have a bright future because I'm almost finished with my schooling and Ihave the love of Jesus in me.

I think of my little Genaro at Hermano Pedro Hospital that doesn't have a working body. I can tell he is so smart, but never is given a chance because he just can't seem to get his body to do what he asks it to do. He works SO incredibly hard to say "hola" when I ask him to, he works so hard to put up his own arm so I can tickle his armpit,and he works so hard to stick out his tongue when I ask him where his lengua is.

Everyone of these kids have been failed. Andrea has been failed to have the food and likely the attention he needs as a 1 year old who is learning and experiencing the world for the first time. The kids at Kairo's school have been failed at having been shown hope. They don't believe they have bright futures because they get stuck in this sick cycle that is seemingly impossible to get out of. Genaro and the kids at Hermano Pedro have been failed in getting a working body and having the chance at life because of physical disabilities and no family that is able to help.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is the definition of love: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." This also helps define God because God is love. In verse 8, "Love never fails." Though this world will always fail, though it always lacks, love will never fail; God will never fail. God will never fail in showing love and affection to sweet Andrea even though he may not see it now, there is hope of a bright future for the kids at Kairo's, Genaro is perfect in God's eyes and God knows every little thought and action that is in little Genaro's head...even when he can't communicate it himself.

Much has been given to me, so much is expected. I am supposed to help share Christ's love to these people. I am to be that city on a hill that shines light for my Jesus. I am to help the least of these because I am to share the love of Christ; I have been called to do it...but it's not always easy.

Sometimes it's hard for me to see all that He has planned for me because I am only 17. I get intimidated by those older than me... Sometimes it's hard thinking of the difference I can make because I don't have much experience in life. But God reminds me it's okay in 1 Timothy 4:12, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." I am to set an example in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't have the same God in me that Moses did. The very same God that parted the Red Sea lives in me! I don't have to be afraid because my God is always with me. I don't have to be afraid because His love never fails.

So while there are many people even within the radius of 1 mile of my home will go to bed tonight with an empty belly, while Andrea will struggle to keep his food down and regain his strength and trust in people, while the kids at Kairo's struggle to fight the cycle this world has set up for them, while Genaro will go to sleep tonight without a Mommy to hold him tight and without the working body he might covet, my God will never fail them. They are His and He is theirs. "The harvest is plenty, but the workers are few." There is so much need around the world that most people are ignorant of but very few people who listen to the call to help. These are the least of these. These are which He feels the stomach pains screaming to be fed, He feels the loneliness and neglect from lack of a working body, He feels unimportant because of the life already mapped out for them. He feels it all because they are the apple of His eye. He will never fail them because He knows what it feels like to be neglected....He came to earth to bring hope. He is good because His love can surpass any pain that this world brings us because He is good and because He is enough.

My God is enough for me.

I have to be completely honest here. This last week has been pretty hard for me... spiritually.

God's been really good to me here. Yes, it's hard not being able to talk to many people here. Yes, I miss all my friends and family back at home. Yes, it's hard not being there for when the time comes that your sister gives birth to her son. But God is SO faithful! "'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied, 'no man who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age [homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields-and with them, persecutions] and in the age to come, eternal life.'" -Mark 10:29-30.

I've given up things at my old home, but God has blessed me so much here! I have a beautiful home, awesome neighborhood kids with which to play soccer, 2 English-speaking neighbors to help out, an incredible bi-lingual church, and most of all the fact that somehow our family has managed to get even closer through this transition (I didn't know it was possible!). God is SO good! He promises He will provide for everything we'll need when we go where He calls us...and He has. I am blessed to be able to see all that He's doing here! ...And I can't imagine what He's going to do here in the future!

But in spite of all these good things, I've still managed to get myself down and discouraged.

God has called me to Uganda, Africa after 2 or 3 years of being here. He's called me to go into the rural villages and medically treat, feed, clothe, and evangelize the people there. He's called me to show those people the love of Christ and help their physical needs in-so-doing. I am honored that He would choose me. I am glad He has chosen me to serve Him in such such a way. But it's been hard.

I've seen all the amazing things god has done for me in the past, so I know He'll provide in the future. But why would He choose me? I'm just a 17 year old girl who has no previous experience with any of these things. I'm nothing special. And it occurred to me. That's why He chose me. He chose me because I'm not special. I'm just an ordinary girl. He chose me because when He's working His miracles and doing amazing things, all the glory will go to Him.

He chose Mary, a young teenage girl to have Jesus. He chose Moses to lead His people out of Egypt. He chose Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to prove to King Nebuchadnezzar that God was the only god to be worshiped. He chose Peter to get out of the boat and follow Him. None of these people were extraordinary...they were ordinary. But there is one difference. They had faith in their God.

What if Mary told God that she didn't want to have His Son? What if Moses told God "no," that he didn't want to lead His people out of Egypt. What if Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego bowed down to the king when he demanded it? What if Peter never got out of the boat? They had faith that their God was enough. They knew that they weren't enough to cut it. They knew they weren't enough to get the job done.

I've been afraid because I know I am not enough. I've been afraid because I don't want to have to learn a third language and fit into a new culture. I don't want to leave my family and this amazing courntry. But if I want to be His disciple, I must do it. I have to get over what I want and surrender to what He wants.

I was praying and reading His Word on our amazing rooftop this evening, and God whispered in my ear:
"I took you from the ends of the earth; from its farthest corners I have called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them, I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are things I will do; I will not forsake them." -Isaiah 41:9-10; 42:16.

No, I am not going to get the job done; I won't cut it.But my God is good enough to get the job done; He will cut it. He's big enough to hold my hand through it all! No, He doesn't promise an easy ride. He doesn't promise to give me a perfect life. But He promises that He is enough. He promises He will be there to lead me to places I have not yet known. He is good.

What If I say "no" to Him? What if I choose the easy life instead? What if I choose not to trust Him? I can't imagine what I would miss! No, I'm not saying I'll give birth to His kid, part the Red Sea, withstand the fiery furnace, or even walk on water. But I do know that He will do great things through me if I let Him. He loves to provide for His people in the most unlikely ways.

So tonight as I go to bed, I have hope. I know it's going to be hard, but I have hope. I know that my God is enough. I know He will give me everything I need. I know that He is good no matter what comes my way. I choose to say "yes," to His call. I choose to follow Him into the world because I want to see all that He is going to do. I love my Jesus and I'm willing to risk it all for Him.

This post was written on February 9th

Today I had the privilege of spending 3 hours at Hermano Pedro Hospital with kids who so desperately need to be shown the love of Jesus. I had the privilege of feeding Estephane a mashed up lunch while she sang and spit it right back out at me. I had the privilege of getting 2 great big (really sloppy and messy) kisses from sweet Irvin. I got scratched by Blanca several times and had Julio’s drool all over me as he showed me the prizes he had in his old, tattered backpack. I got to look into the innocent eyes of my sweet Ariana as she smiled at me for stroking her cheek. I had the privilege of having Saul rub my leg because he wanted to play with my feet. I got to see Diego light up a s I stepped toward his wheelchair. I got to push Lanz around the courtyard while he squealed as we went down the ramps. I saw sweet Lionel’s side-ways grin from telling him how guapo he is.

But I also saw Paulo wail as he lay alone in his crib. And he only stopped crying so loud when I would hold his big hand and rub his chest. I saw the tears of Patricia because she had no one to play with. I saw the blank stare Jessica gives from not getting enough love and affection. I saw Jonathan as he choked on his bottle that the nurse was so impatiently shoving down his delicate throat. I saw the hurt in my Genaro’s little eyes as I had to say goodbye.

I absolutely love to be there with the kids, but it’s so hard to say goodbye. I know that it’ll only be a few days until I see them again, but I know they won’t be cared for the same. I know they won’t get the love and affection a mommy can give.

I know that I’ve never been a mommy and I know that I’m only 17, but still. I long to take my sweet Genaro home and give him the attention he needs. I long to gaze into his hurt eyes and show him a love he’s never truly known before. I long to constantly remind him of how much I love him, and I long to hold him in my arms forever. But I can’t. I can only whisper to him for just a little bit each week. I don’t get to often care for him and look into his soft, beautiful eyes. I wish I could be his mommy. But I can’t. While I’m not there to stick my tongue out at him, while I can’t be there to patiently feed him his food, while I can’t be there to kiss his sweet little nose, God will be there for him. God will hold his loose little hand and wipe his adult-sized tears. He’ll be there when Genaro  no longer cries to be held, He’ll be there for my little guy when he’s treated like another task to be gotten done. He’ll show Genaro love that I can’t while I’m gone. And that is good enough. My God’s big enough to do anything.

And though it’s hard for me to sit down and do seemingly unimportant things (like my school work), I have to remember that He’ll be there. I have to focus on the task that’s in front of me so I can better help those in need. I need to do as God asks of me now so that I can better do as He asks of me in the future.

Tonight as my little Genaro goes to sleep alone and uncomforted, my God will be there to hold him in His arms because He loves Genaro more than I ever could. My God never leaves sweet Genaro’s side because Genaro is His. My God is sufficient to supply his every need. He is still good when all else fails.    

Wake up.

Dear Americans who call yourselves Christians,
Wake up. You're missing what God is calling you to do. You're not listening to His voice calling out to you. Wake up from your slumber and be who God is calling you to be.

As I look around to a culture who has been deprived of the joys of knowing Christ, my heart breaks. I am frustrated. I am upset. I have more of an urgency to share His love with them because you have failed to do so. How could we, as Christ followers, let this happen? How could we get so comfortable in our own worlds and forget those who are in need. Not only do they need food, clothing, medical care, and proper housing, but they need to know the love of Christ. We have failed to do what we have been called to do. God calls us to share His love with the least of these. We need to share His love with those who have yet to hear of it.

While you've been sleeping, people have died having not known the love of Christ. People have been living hopelessly because they have never been shown the hope we have in Christ.

While we've been so focused on getting what's in style, while we're wasting our money on things that aren't even necessary, we've deprived a needy people that literally don't have the basic necessities of life. While we've been calling ourselves followers of Christ, we've lost what it truly means to follow Him. It's time to wake up. It's time to stop being so selfish and become selfless. It's time for us to focus on God and what He's calling us to do instead of focusing on how to to make ourselves more comfortable. It's time go get out of our own bubbles and start going places we've never gone before.

Christianity, as the US would define it, is way far from how God defines it. It's time for us to not only hear what God's calling us to do, but to actually follow through with it. God doesn't call us to be comfortable and serve Him a little bit. He calls us to literally give EVERYTHING we have to Him and serve Him wholeheartedly. Let me warn you, it's going to be hard. If we ask God to really use you, He will take you out of your comfort zone.  He willl lead you in places you've never gone before. He will make this ride very interesting. But let me tell you. There is no greater joy than being exactly where God has called you to be. Only then will you actually be able to hear His voice clearly. Onlly then will you be able to feel peace about where you are.

Wake up and be who you are called to be. Come out of your slumber and do all that He's calling you to. If you don't, you will go down as the poeple who never knew Him. You will be remembered as the people who were hypocrites and never followed their Jesus. Wake up and care about the things God cares about. Wake up and get to know the Jesus who knit you together. Wake up and get to know the God that BREATHES stars! Wake up and share His love to those who need it the most. Wake up from your sleep and live the life you're called to live. Live radically, love sincerely, serve passionately, give wholeheartedly, and be the voice this world desperately needs to hear.