Praising Jesus

This morning I woke up praising my Jesus. He deserves every bit of praise that I could ever give Him and SO much more.
I loved being able to live with the Broce family for a week and a half, I loved it how much they helped us to put this whole trip together, and I have been so blessed by them!
Now I am at a ministry called Doors. They started out being 2 freshly-graduated from college taking in boys off the street. But now they actually have a house, they have 5 kids that go to day school and come home in the evenings and weekends, and 5 kids that go to boarding school. they also took over a school nearby(ish) and run that, they do medical every so often and give vitamins and medicine, and they have a jewelry ministry. We moved in yesterday, and ever since then, I have been so blessed to sit and listen to the 5 out of 7 ladies who live here telling stories, speaking wisdom and showing a love and a passion that I beg God to help me have too. And they most certainly do not live like most Americans do.

So this morning I felt like I woke up to Uganda. I praised Jesus as I heard Luganda being spoken outside and awkward squawks I didn't know birds could make, and I praised Him as I opened my eyes to a canopy of mosquito netting protecting me from all the mosquitos and the flies. I praised Him as I got up, changed, and went to the living room where I found everyone sitting and drinking coffee and reading their Bibles. I praised Jesus as we did a work out called "Insanity" and I praised Him as I found out that the work out was indeed insane and I praised Jesus as all of me felt like a noodle as I rinsed off in the shower before heading to the school. I praised Jesus for the hilariously awkward helmet I must wear as I ride the bodas (motorcycles) and I praised Him for the fear I had that caused me to hold on a little tighter as I was absolutely convinced we would for sure hit a wheel-barrel stopped on the side of the road or be squished like a bug because we were trying to fit in too-tight of spaces. I PRAISED Jesus when we finally got off and wen I knew that He was giving me another chance to live because He spared me of the terrifying boda.
I praised Him as we walked inside and was welcomed by a million black eyes and dark faces that were staring back at us instead of paying attention to their teachers. I praised Jesus as I was able to whisper His name as I applied cream to 50 heads of ring worm and as I cleaned out and bandaged up 4 wounds. I praised Him as I tried to help a little girl Dorrin learn how to write the letters "a," "b," and "c." I praised Jesus for chalk boards to write on, for still-holding together benches of which to sit on, tables to put books on, teachers to teach, cooks to cook, and His love and presence as He makes all of it happen. I praised Him as we walked under the scorching sun to a Mexicans restaurant called, "The little donkey" (yes, it was English, it wasn't even "El burrito" in Spanish) that seemed to be about 100 miles away from the school(totally exaggerating). I praised Jesus as we got back and I got to sit in the back of the class as Mallory was teaching English to some of the mothers of the children who attend the school. And I was praising Him as He helped the boda driver not to kill us on the way home (somehow the 2nd boda ride was even scarier than the first).

I am SO thankful for my Jesus and for all that He has done for me and all that He has done for these people here. It is such a HUGE privilege to be here and to praise my Jesus with the other missionary girls who live here and with all the Ugandans we have been working with. He is ALWAYS faithful. And I invite Him and I pray that He will keep filling me with His love and mercy and hope and faith and that He will do the same to those who are here too. Come, Lord Jesus, come! 

Uganda!

Today Carissa and I went to a school that a ministry here in Uganda has taken over and we started out the morning doing medical stuff. I was in charge of cleaning out and bandaging up wounds on kids and it felt so good to be there! Then they put me on teaching a few(4) students how to read. They are older kids, but struggle in actually reading. I never thought I could like being or could be good at being a teacher. But it was so fun!

I'm actually surprised that I came home in one piece and with all of(most of) my hair. All the kids love being with, holding the hand of, doing the hair of, and staring at the mzungus (white people). I thought sure one of them might actually manage to pull off one or both of my arms or pulling out all of my hair. But in spite of all the pulling and not-so-smoothness, it is incredible to look into each and every one's almost-black eyes, dark skin, and white smiles. Each one has such a beauty that is hidden when first looked at, but once you get them to smile, I think the whole world brightens up (not that they are ugly at first-glance by any means! They are so beautiful even when they aren't smiling that it makes them that much more beautiful when they do smile). It makes traveling 8,500 miles all the way to come here SO worth it.

I think I understand now more than ever why Jesus said that it is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. As I look at each kid, I see joy in spite of the world they find themselves living in. They have nothing, yet they can still smile and laugh and make my day and have a joy that I can only believe Jesus put there. Why should it be so hard for me and everyone else that has SO much more than them need to do that too? I think it partly has to do with the fact that we don't really need to rely on Jesus that much. I mean we do, but not nearly to the extreme that these people do. And I believe that part of it is that we build up treasures here on earth and we build our faith based upon material things instead of our Jesus.

I had my cross necklace on this morning (as I usually do) and a little boy that I was playing with noticed it. He took it into his hands and began talking endlessly to his friend about something I didn't understand (I hoped it had at least something to do with my necklace because he continued to hold it and point to it). And then I heard one of the few words in Luganda that I've learned in my few days of being here. Yesu. The word for Jesus. Somebody had been teaching this kid and at least he knew that Jesus was related to the cross.. He might understand it completely, or he might not. But I know that he's getting there!

For such a long time I have been praying that God would bless the people here and somehow teach them about Him and show them His love that He has for them. And I prayed that maybe I could be a blessing that could teach them of Jesus' love and hope He offered to them when He died on the cross for them (and for me). And I cannot begin to describe to you the joy that I have in my heart now that I'm here because He has already begun. I know I'm in a small part of Uganda and I've only been here such a short time and I only know a few kids, but I see hope. Hope where I least expected it and love and joy where I wasn't sure there would be. Our God is GOOD and He never forgets His people!

And I hoped I was going to be the one to bless others by being here and share God's love, but I was so wrong. Because I am the one being blessed by being here. I am the one learning His love in ways I never understood before and I am seeing my Jesus in the eyes of these precious children. I don't deserve to be here with these people, and I don't deserve this love and mercy God showers down on me every day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have given financially, who have thought of us and who have prayed for us in all of this! My life is forever changed, and I pray that many others will be changed too! God is SO good!

9 more days!

Only 9 days are left until Carissa and I step foot on an airplane and our lives will be forever changed. I am so thankful for how incredibly faithful God has been through all of this, and I am so very thankful that I can know He will continue to be the rest of the way!
In these last weeks, Carissa and I have been planning and preparing for what will come on our trip. Like, emailing and messaging missionaries that are oh, so helpful and answer our every question we think of about what to expect or bring, like making a master packing list of every little thing we(well, I) can think of that we will need to bring, like paca(clothes store) runs to make sure we have skirts and shirts that will work with and match those skirts, like waiting and watching as God is providing everything we need, and anticipating this trip we've been looking forward to for such a long time!
Now that the time is finally just a few days away, the reality is setting in of the fact that I'm going to have to be away from my family and my Mommy and Daddy for a whole month and a half! I've never been away from my family for such a long time, let alone so far! It's scary thinking of us living there and experiencing life all by ourselves, but I am so VERY confident that God will take care of us and that His Will will be done while we are there.
And it's also somewhat intimidating thinking about how everything I've ever believed in is being put on the line. I have believed(and still believe with ALL my heart!) that God is ALWAYS faithful and He ALWAYS has a purpose for things and that He ALWAYS works for the greater good of those who love and serve Him, and now it is all being put to the test. Was I right about all the things I've ever believed in, is God really faithful, will He really come through, and will He really be everything He promises He will always be?
Anytime I think of these questions, anytime they are brought to my mind, God answers them with the perfect answer. I Am. He Is Faithful. He Is Good. He Is perfect. He Is Love. He Is All-knowing. He Is All-powerful. He Is wonderful. He Is grace. He Is Mercy. He Is my God who deserves to be praised with every breath I have in me.

So though the last weeks have been somewhat stressful with a never-ending to do list that is never completely checked off, God is faithful. And I praise Him for that! He has put this trip together, He has picked this time and this place, and He has chosen Carissa and me. And I will trust Him that His Will be done in and through it.

Prayers that the rest of the support will come in and prayers that Carissa and I will have peace as the day actually gets here are very much appreciated! Thank you all for your prayers and for all of the support you have all given. Carissa and I are SO very blessed!

Stepping Stones

When I was a little girl, I had a huge imagination that usually got the best of me. I loved to spend my time in fields of grass, skipping around and collecting every dandelion my tiny hands could hold because dandelions were the most beautiful flower I had ever seen and I wanted to give them all to my beautiful mommy(Melissa) who I thought deserved them. I would lay down and look at the sky and see the pretty clouds above and make pictures out of them, and talk to myself about them and wish I could touch them. I loved to swing on the swing set and beg her to push me higher and higher because if I could just reach a little farther I could touch the sky! And I loved stepping stones. I used to leap from one to the next with my tiny little legs, following wherever the stones would lead me. I used to always pretend that I couldn't touch the grass or the ground around because I had to stay safe from the hot lava or the sharks that were going to eat me! And if I did step off, I would fight off the sharks and withstand the immense heat of the lava. And I always wanted to follow the steps after my biological mommy because she was who I wanted to be when I grew up, she was my everything. And sometimes when she held her hand out to catch me, I batted it away and told her I was a big girl and I could do it all by myself! But sometimes I took her hand because I loved her and trusted her to help pick me back up.
But when the stepping stones that followed after her suddenly stopped and were completely cut off and I felt that I was standing there all alone with no where to go, God held my hand and carried me to the next stepping stone that took me to my new mommy.

And as I followed my new mommy, she taught me that I didn't have to face the immense heat on my feet or fight off the sharks alone. She was there with me, holding my hand and we were taking the steps together. But even as I grew taller, somehow the leaps never got smaller, they just kept getting bigger. My legs were never a match for the spaces between each stone. But it was okay because my new mommy was there with me, teaching me how to take bigger steps and how to be like her. Sadly, I have to admit that I didn't stick as closely behind her like I should have. Looking back, I stepped off the stones way more than I needed to or should have and sometimes I still do. I wish I could say that I am as much like my mommy as I could possibly be, but I'm not. Beauty and wisdom like hers will take many years to acquire, so I know that I still have a long way to go until I will be like her, but that's okay. Because that's what this walk is about anyway, learning to become who our God created us to be.
And though I'm not perfect, she still teaches me and she still sticks with me when I start to slip off the edge. She teaches me how to get back on, and to plant my feet more firmly so I won't fall off so easily next time. And as she is teaching me all this, she is also teaching me that I don't only have her walking with me, leading me to who I should become someday. I have my Jesus guiding me too. You see, He was the One leading her all this time too!

Now that I'm not-so-much a little girl anymore and my legs are way longer than they used to be, the leaps I'm taking are even bigger yet. The jumps are getting farther and farther apart, but my Jesus always brings me through. He is what has brought me to this stepping stone that I'm standing on now. Though I didn't know who He was when I was little, He always held me when I batted Melissa's hands away and said I could do it all by myself, and even when I chose to embrace them. And He was there when Mommy was(is) leading me through too. He has been there every step of the way and I need Him to help me to take the steps I'm going to take in the future.
My mommy helped me so much along the way, but it is time to let go of her hand. As much as I wish I could still follow right behind my mommy, as much as I wish I could stay with her longer and have her keep holding my hand, it is time that I start walking with my Jesus all by myself. The time has come where I should kiss my mommy and thank her for leading me here to this place I'm at now, and take hold of my Jesus' hand and let Him carry me to this next big stone that I'm getting ready to jump to, which is 8,500 miles away.
Now that I'm older, I fear doing it all by myself. I don't want to leave my mommy, my daddy, or my family, but I know that because my Jesus has carried me all this time, He will carry me even through this. Because HE is bigger than any leap I will take or any obstacle that will be in my way. This is what He has called me to do, so I know He'll be everything I will need Him to be.

And I'm praying and hoping that God will give me the chance to hold Melissa's hand and teach her what it's like to walk along those stones with our Jesus even though I'm so far away. Because obviously her mommy didn't do a very good job at showing her and she deserves to have someone to show her the way too.

And hopefully someday I'll get to hold my little girl's hand as we leap across the stepping stones together and I teach her the very things my mommy and my Jesus taught me.

Uganda trip!

My heart is so full.

Today, we were finally able to buy our plane tickets(for my sister Carissa and me)  to go to Uganda in September! Set in stone. No more obstacles to get over, no more pain-in-the-butt airlines to deal with, no more long hours for my poor mommy to figure out if there's yet another way to get us there in September. We are GOING! And the only way that all of that worked is that our God is SO faithful and He ALWAYS comes through when He promises He will. He is good. ALL the time. I give Him and Him alone all the glory for that because there is no other way it could've worked out!

We were able to buy our tickets for just over $300 a piece because my parents each had been collecting frequent flyer miles ever since November of 2005, when they went to Korea to adopt my sweet little sister Kimberly. Seven years ago they started collecting those miles, having no idea what God had in mind for them.

A few years ago, Carissa and I felt the call to go to Uganda, Africa. We felt it at different times. She felt it a little while before I did, but we were both definitely called. But God has not and has not called us to do the same ministry while we're there. She has a passion to open up a special needs group home for kids and to serve as a physical therapist. That is exactly the reason my family has moved to Guatemala(to open up a special needs group home for kids) and you can just tell by the way she works with and loves on those kids that that is what she is called to do!

I, on the other hand, do not have a specific ministry in mind. I don't know exactly what work I am supposed to do when I get there, but I do know that have a passion for my Jesus who died for me and who has shown me an incredible love that I could never, ever deserve. He gave me hope in my life back when I thought there was none.

As you likely know, my biological sister Ashley and I were put into foster care when I was 7 and then we were adopted when I was 10. To make a very, very long story short, I was a little girl with no hope. I was taken away from my mommy and daddy, who (even though they were very far from being perfect) were my world. They were ripped out of my life, and I was expected to live on, I was expected to make it in life without them. I thought that was going to be impossible.
But God is indescribably wonderful and faithful and He sent my biological sister and me a hope we could have never imagined. He sent us the most beautiful physical gift I have ever recieved. And that gift was my family that I now have. They are the most incredible family anyone could ever ask for.
Not only did they step up and be the family I so desperately needed, they taught me a love I had never known before. And that was(and still is) the incredible love of my Jesus. They not only taught us about this incredible love with words, they showed it to us by the way they lived. And they showed us what it's like to love our Jesus back, and what it's like to serve Him, and to follow radically after Him.
God placed those people in my life at the exact moment I needed them. I was given a hope and a new perspective on life . They were the hands and the feet of my Jesus since He was not here on this earth to take care of me Himself.

My passion is to do the very same thing.
Whether I work in a feeding program, open a clinic, open an orphanage, or do street evangelism, I want to love. I want to teach them the love that our Jesus has for them, I want to bring hope they never could've imagined. Not only do I want to teach it to them, I want to live it out! I want to love them and I want to bring hope in their seemingly hopeless situations. I want to be the hands and feet of my Jesus. I want to pour myself out to others so that they may learn how to love Him back, to serve, and to live radically for Him. And then maybe they can share that very love with others around them.

I understand that I can't do this on my own. I know that I am weak and small and that when I'm all by myself, I can't make a difference. But I know that with an incredibly HUGE God living inside of me, I can do anthing. As long as I'm trusting Him with all I am, following Him wherever He leads, serving others as much as I can, and loving others as He loves me, He will change Uganda in a radical way.

I must admit that while I was waiting for God to provide these tickets. I had moments where I lost patience, I got upset and discouraged, and I had times where I wasn't trusting. And there are definitely times where I start to get scared thinking about what the future might hold because this is such a huge, new step in life for me to take. But all in all, I'm learning to trust God, even when it seems impossible or when it seems like every possible door has been closed in my face. When God calls, He provides. Anytime I start to doubt or fear, He reminds me that He is still good and He still has a plan way bigger and better than I have planned. He reminds me that if I just close my eyes and let Him sweep me away in His never-ending grace and undying love, He will make it all worth it.

So I ask all of you to pray with me as we prepare for, take the trip, and return from the trip. Prayers are definitely needed that I will know exactly what God wants me to do with this call He has for me, and that I will have the courage to follow it, no matter what it may be. And that we will get the rest of our support!
I am SO excited about this trip, and I will make sure that I keep you all posted during the whole process!
God bless!

Naivety and trying to grow up

When you're little, your mind is so full of so many different kinds of dreams. Someday you'll be an astronaut, the president of the United States, an artist, a teacher, an athlete, a fire fighter, or a singer. You are so naiive and think that anything can happen if you just dream about it.

When I was little, I wanted to be a lot of things. First, I wanted to be an artist because that was what my biological dad did, and I wanted to be just like him. Then I wanted to be a singer, then just anyone famous, then a librarian, and then I wanted to be a nurse.
I would lose time playing "house" and pretending that I was the best of the best and I had all the control and nothing could ever touch me. Because I was, afterall, a pretty amazing little person, so I would someday turn out to be a pretty amazing big person, right?
It's incredible what naivety can make you think!

But someday that naivety and childishness needs to fade away and it comes time for you to start learning wisdom and how to be an adult[still working on this..].

I would've never guessed in a million years what my life would turn out to be like(and I still don't know what is in store for me in my future!). I know that I still have a long way to go in my story and I know that it's just starting for me, but I would've never imagined that I would be where I am where I am right now.
I am kid number 4 of a family of 10 kids, living in Guatemala, learning a new culture and language, serving in ministry, heading to Uganda, Africa to serve my Jesus, whom I have come to know and love. Hah. Waaay far away from what I ever had planned in my own mind.
But I love it and I wouldn't change it for the world! <3

When I was little, I thought that by now I would still be living in the states, going to college for my nursing degree, working on a long relationship with a guy that I would someday soon marry, have it all together and have my future all planned out. Everything should have been a piece of cake!

Ironically, none of that is part of the reality I look at right now. I am now in Guatemala, I am not going to college for any degree, I do not have a boy friend, and I most certainly do not have it all together. I have nothing planned out.

Sometimes I get myself overwhelmed at this fact(that I have nothing planned out) and I lose control and get upset and start doubting myself and God. How could I be 19 years old and still not be who God wants me to be? How can I still be so naive and have such a long way to go until I get to be where I feel like I should be?

God has way different plans than we could ever dream of or hope for, far more complex and confusing that we could ever have imagined, and sometimes they're just plain scary. Why in the world would He choose ME to be here in Guatemala and in a short while be in Uganda doing things I never ever imagined I could do? Why would He ask of me to be so far away from my friends and family in places that I'm not comfortable in? Why couldn't He just have given me what I wanted when I wanted it and left it there?

Sometimes I find myself asking that question. And as soon as that question enters my mind or slips out of my mouth, I stop and I realize just how rediculous that really is. Isn't God's call for us to be uncomfortable, preaching and teaching His name and about His big love that He has for ALL? Isn't THAT our purpose in life, to bring God and God alone all the glory possible in this tiny bit of time we are given? Aren't we supposed to give everything to Him because He is the One who gave it to us in the first place? And shouldn't we trust Him in the way He is going to handle it? Isn't that what all of this is about?
Sadly enough, I think we all confuse ourselves of what the real meaning of being a disciple is about. Slowly over time we choose our comfort and our wants and subconciously(or sometimes very conciously) change what His call is.

His call is to follow Him to the places He is going to lead us, no matter where, how hard, to whom, or whatever it may cost. We are to give up EVERYTHING and follow with wreckless abandon and trust that He is worth it(because He IS).

His gift of love and eternal life is freely given to all who choose to recieve it. Anyone who wants to learn about Him and His great love can do so, and if they really seek, they WILL find. And those who really believe in Him will someday experience eternal life.
But there is a rule. And that rule is: freely recieve, freely give. We are required to give love and teach it to anyone and everyone, whether we like them or not, no matter what they have done to us, whether they initially want it or not, or whether they choose to deny it or not. It is required of us. To EVERYONE.
This has been especially hard for me in recent days. I am required to share Jesus's beautiful love with EVERYONE around me. It doesn't matter if I'm fighting with that person, no matter if I like them, how well I know them, how well I wish I didn't know them, what I've done to them, or what they have done to me. Jesus loved the very people who spit at Him and put Him on a cross. He LOVED them.
The same is required of me. No student is greater than his teacher. I must follow in His steps. "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps." 1 Peter 2:21

Even though I have chosen a path that I have no idea where it will lead me, I must trust. I must have faith and know that He is God and I am not. I must remember that His call requires EVERY part of me. And even though it is hard to show it, I must love others as Christ loved me.
No one man is greater than another. No matter who you become or what you end up doing with your life, as long as you are serving God and loving Him more with each and every passing day and teaching others that great love, it is all worth it in the end. God doesn't just use the famous or glamorous people. He can use ANYONE as long as they are willing and choose Him! You can do anything you want in this life, but if you aren't learning to love our amazing God more and more through it and if you're not loving others through it, it is worth nothing and you might as well not do anything at all. If He is not being brought the most amount of glory possible, we are just wasting our time and His.
We must tell anyone and everyone of this great love that we have found in Jesus Christ. We must fight through comfort and anything else that might be put in our way. We must trust our Jesus and follow through with what He asks of us. And He promises to hold us and help us through every step we take.

"If you want to succeed in ANYTHING in life, you have to fight through the comfort zones."

God's Beauty

There are so many things here on this earth that I would consider to be beautiful.. there are so many things that simply take my breath away. Like walking on the cobble stone streets here, in Guatemala and gazing at the beautiful run-down walls with the brightly colored flowers spilling out over top. Like walking down the street and seeing a precious little girl grasping the hand of her mommy or daddy as she stares at me in awe because I have white skin and I look different than her but she gives me a sweet little smile and says "hola" anyways. Like the freedom I feel when I stand on our rooftop, arms stretched out wide, feeling the gentle breeze flicking the hair off my shoulders, mountains so close that if I could stretch my arm out just a little bit farther I could touch them, so much color on all the streets and on every house, and the clear skies drenching me with sunlight. Like spending time with my amazing family, knowing that there is no other place on earth I'd rather be but in the same room as them, sharing the same love and deep passion for our Jesus. Or even simply gazing into the beautiful eyes of my sweet little Genaro and being able to understand how amazing of a little guy he is, even if he can't run around like the other seven year old's and even if he can't tell me exactly what is on his mind on any given moment. I could just sit with him for hours and hours and listen to him tell me every story he could think of, and me having no idea of a single thing he is saying because the only distinguishable word he can say is the word, "hola". And boy is he so proud to be able to say it to you! :)
God has been good to us and has blessed us in such incredible ways with all the beauty that surrounds us.. and most of the time I forget to stop and lift my head and thank Him for it. He did that all for us, for me. And not only has He blessed us with beautiful things around us, but He has also blessed us with the beautiful promise that says,

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

and also:

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" -Jeremiah 29:11-13

and:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

and:

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.." -Isaiah 41:10


And though God did created some pretty amazing things and though He did promise beautiful promises, there are many things that I would not consider to be beautiful. Like when I let the lies of the enemy seep into my mind without me knowing until I've faded off from God more than I realized. Like running from God, or dragging your feet for a while simply because you're scared of what He has asked you to do next. Like when I look back and remember some things from my past. The first thing that comes to mind would definitely not be the word "beautiful," I think it would be quite the opposite, actually. I remember so many things that I just wish I could forget.
Sometimes I hate remembering. Sometimes I just wish it could all go away..
Sometimes I get plain mad. I hate having to live with consequences that I didn't cause and I hate having to live with decisions I didn't make. Sometimes I hate it that I wasn't born into my family that I now have, and I hate it that I had to spend the first 7 1/2 years of my life away from them. Sometimes I hate it that even though I still love my biological parents more than they could ever understand, they don't love me back.

And sometimes I hate it that I don't always remember that God is still beautiful even in times that are hard. Sometimes I don't remember that beauty can even come from the times that are dark and scary and from pain and from brokenness. It can come in THE hardest times in your life, THE toughest situations, and THE most ugly-seeming circumstances. And it can come from remembering.
It just depends on from whose perspective you're looking at it.

Looking from a mere human's perspective(so small, insignificant, foolish, selfish and whiny), it would seem dark and anything but beautiful. Because we have a perspective that is so small and it is so hard for us to stop and think things through and see the big picture(partially because of those things I listed, and partly because we are not God, so we just can't).

But looking from God's perspective(so BIG, loving, wonderful, and the very definition of beauty), it is still beautiful and it all makes sense. He is the creator of ALL things and He has a plan for all things, so we can rest in Him in all things.. even though we tend to forget this.

When you are remembering and looking at things from God's perspective, it all makes sense. And while looking at things from His perspective, you come to understand things in a better way that you ever thought you could. It's a real eye-opener.

When I look back, I can see so many times where God held me. I can see how many times He was still good to me and still showed me His big love for me even before I knew of it or knew of Him. I can see that He was never out of reach, and that He was there the whole time holding my hand and holding me together, even when it felt like everything was falling apart.
..Not that He showed me specific instances where He was there, but in general. God showed me His faithfulness through the years, He showed me that He had a purpose in mind for it all. And God showed me 2 interesting ways to help me understand all this.

First, it's like when you meet someone for the first time. Before that moment of actually meeting them and knowing they exist, you couldn't feel them in the world, you didn't know they existed. But now that you do know them, you can see that all this time they've been there.. you just didn't know it yet.
And it's the same with God. Though when I was younger I didn't hear from Him and I didn't feel or know Him, I can look back and know that He was always there. I just hadn't met Him yet. And now that I know Him, I can get to know Him better and I can know that He was always there all along. Make sense?

Second, is in John 9, where Jesus heals the man born blind. They were walking by and  saw a blind man(Jesus and His disciples) when His disciples looked at Him and asked, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
And Jesus' beautiful response was this, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned..but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Then He spit on the ground, made mud, put it on the man's eyes and told him to go wash them in the Pool of Siloam. The man did as he was told, and suddenly he had his sight.
I can imagine(yes, I imagine it, it's not necessarily true) that this man may have been angry and didn't understand why he had to be born blind. I'm sure at some point he had thoughts of Why did I have to be born this way? Why can't I be like the others? Why am I given this curse? And I'm sure he didn't understand why he had to be born that way. But little did he know, God was looking after him all along. God had a plan for him and God was faithful, even if the man couldn't see it. And you can see this in what Jesus said, "..this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." God had a greater plan and purpose for him that he probably could've never imagined!
At first glance, sure you'd think of his circumstance it negatively, right? Looking from the human perspective, it only looks bad, it seems like nothing good could be made of it.
But God had a beautiful plan in mind for his life. Because of this man's blindness, Jesus was able to perform an incredible miracle!

Beauty doesn't come in just pretty or good-seeming things. Beauty can come in anything negative or ugly-seeming. We just have to learn to have the faith in Jesus to trust that He has a beautiful plan in mind even for all the difficult stuff. We have to learn to have faith in Him because He is not going to just bless us off the bat.
In Jeremiah it doesn't say, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will find me and I will bless you in all that you do and I will show myself to you even though you're not doing anything in return.'"
No. It says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" -Jeremiah 29:11-13
We have to actually do something! We have to learn to trust, have faith, seek Him with all that we are. And when we give Him all we are, He will bless us and teach us His beauty behind what He does.

This is hard stuff. It is hard to get out of our own bubble of not-trusting-ness, and non-faithfulness, and pessimistic-ness, I know. It is hard to let go of anger, hurt, and hard feelings you once had(or still do have). But if we want to gain His wisdom on life, if we want to learn to see His beauty and His grace and mercy in our lives, we must change our outlook on it all.

I am just now learning not to just pretend that everything was okay and just avoid the ugly situation. I am just now learning to look at it right in the face and see it as it is and see that true beauty can come from it. I just have to believe and seek Him and trust God to show me.
And I challenge all of you to do the same.

Learning to walk

One Saturday night, I was walking around the beautiful courtyard at the McDonalds in Antigua, holding tightly to the little hands of Vanessa(my youth pastor's 11 month old little girl). I absolutely love babies and little kids(especially THAT little one ;)), so it was a blast to go with her as she practiced her walking. And as we were walking together, God showed me something..

Her tiny little fingers holding onto my big ones, her little white shoes walking between my long brown ones, her soft little voice giggling with my obnoxiously loud one amazed me. She is so small, and it made me seem so big.

Each half-step I took was like 3 steps for her little legs. She was constantly trying to keep up with me on our journey around the courtyard. But because she has tiny little legs, her feet kept getting tangled up behind. So every few steps I'd have to stand there and hold her up until she untangled them and put them back in the right places. Then we could begin walking. But sooner than I'd realize she'd get all tangled up again, so I'd have to wait for her to get right. And so the cycle went on and on.
She's new at this whole walking thing, so she's learning as she goes. And though she just kept almost falling, she kept trying because she knew I was there to catch her everytime she almost fell. She knew I wouldn't let her fall because I was there for her, holding her up, ready to catch her.
And even though she's so small and even though she's still new at it and is still learning how to get it right, a couple times she thought she could do it alone. A couple times she tried to let go of my hand; she tried to be a big girl and do it by herself. But of course [because she can't do it on her own] she almost crashed. But each time I was prepared and I knew what she was going to do. So each time she tried to let go, I was there to pick her back up, to put her back on her feet, to help her try again. She is not yet ready to walk on her own, she doesn't know how to balance herself and she doesn't have the coordination just yet to take each step carefully and accurately. She needs someone to be there with her and show her how it is done.
After a couple times of failing, she realized she couldn't do it on her own. She clung so tightly to me for the rest of the walk until we looped back around to the table and sat with Mommy Katie and took a little rest.
But my time with Vanessa wasn't about the walking. It wasn't about making sure we made a complete loop around the McDonalds courtyard and a stop at the fountain and gaze at the statue turtles. It was about spending time with Vanessa. I wanted to laugh with her, to teach her a few things, to get to know her. I love my special time with her, I love her.

Little Vanessa is just like me in my walk with God. My hands are so small compared to His, my feet insignificant next to His, and my voice so much smaller than His and it's unbelievable. I am always trying to keep up with Him on this journey. His leaps are so much bigger and quicker than I'm ready to take, so I'm always left in a tangled mess, constantly scrambling to grab and take hold of whatever I can, having to be straightened out by Him.
And even though I'm still learning, even though I'm not ready and I can't do it on my own, I try letting go. I try being a big girl and I try to do it all by myself. But I always end up almost crashing, and sometimes I do fall and even end up with scraped knees. But God always knows when I'm getting ready to let go, so He's always ready to help me back up, to brush me off, to put my feet where they need to be so we can keep moving forward. He doesn't force me to stay with Him in His arms.. Sometimes He lets me go. Because it is only when I experience life without Him that I can realize how much I truly need Him right by my side, holding me in every step I take. Without my Jesus, I am nothing and I can't make it on my own.

The ugly thing about the falling is that sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I blame God that I can't do it myself. Sometimes I focus so hard on why I can't have what I want that I lose grip of reality. Sometimes I want to just throw my hands up in the air because I have fallen yet again and I might as well just say down there because there is no hope, I will never be able to do it. Sometimes I let my frustration grow so big that He leaves me there until I can come to grips.. until I have bled enough that I realize He is my only hope in making it stop.

But the beautiful thing about the falling is when He picks me up again. Even though He has every right to and [in my eyes] should've left me there a thousand times ago, He helps me anyways. He still chooses to give me another chance. He still loves me and He wants to help me try it again.

But I don't learn like Vanessa. After falling all the way down so many times, after trying it all by myself, after learning the hard way that I can't do this without Him, I still do it anyways. Time after countless time I try to let go. And time after countless time it ends up the same way. I always end up with skinned knees, dirty hands, and sometimes a bump on my forehead. It always ends up with me broken, hurt, and begging Him to help me up again because without Him I am nothing. And each time He gladly takes me by the hand, brushes me off, and begins walking again.

It's so frustrating and ironic when I choose to wallow in self-pity instead of running into God's arms. Because needing God is the beauty of it. THAT is the amazing part of this ride. Being able to trust that He is perfect and good and beautiful and that HE will help carry me to His will for me is the incredible part. Knowing that I need Him and knowing that He will give me everything I will ever need and knowing that He will help carry me through is the amazing part. Spending time with Him, getting to know Him, holding His hand, and laughing through life WITH Him makes it all worth it. Being together and walking hand-in-hand with my Daddy is FUN. THAT is the most amazing part. This life is not about the journey or the steps you take. I mean, those things are important.. but this life is about learning who Jesus is, spending time with Him and getting to know Him. Our eyes should constantly be on Him as He leads us through. Because above all else, we are to LOVE our Jesus because He loves us.

How could I ever forget that?

Vanessa will grow up to be an amazing little girl. She'll learn how to do it on her own, she'll be able to be a big girl and do the steps all by herself. In many, many years she grow to be a mature young lady, have her own family and have her own little one to teach how to walk.
But I will always be this little girl. I will always need the help of my Daddy holding me up as I take these steps in life. I won't ever be able to do this on my own.
But hopefully as I grow, the stumbling will lessen, and the not trusting will stop. Hopefully someday I will learn to not let go. Because it is so amazing to know that He will ALWAYS be there and that I am ALWAYS welcome in His arms. He is ALWAYS everything I will ever need, even when I think I don't need Him. As I grow in this walk with Him, He will never let go of my hand.
He will always walk with me, even through the hard and the difficult and the impossible. Because I am His little girl and He likes spending time with me. He likes teaching me the steps, He likes showing me how to do it. He likes being bigger than me, with the longer leaps, the booming and over-powering voice. He likes picking me up and dusting me off. Because each time He does it, He gets to show how faithful He is. I am able to trust Him a little more. And each time He picks me up again, I cling to Him a little tighter than the time before. My Daddy will never, ever fail me. I never, ever have to do this on my own because He loves me. And because He is the God of second, third, fourth, and fifth chances.

Almost 2,000 years ago, it was the darkest night Jesus' disciples had ever known. After spending nearly 3 years with this incredible person, learning from His teachings, watching His miracles, and experiencing His extravagant love, it came to an end. Jesus had told them this day was coming.
The Jesus that first called them, who healed the sick, who spoke mostly through wisdom-packed parables, who handed out food for 5,000 and then 4,000 people, the One who walked on water, who demanded EVERYTHING of them and the One to whom they gave it all was dead. One of their best friends, the most incredible person who ever walked on the earth was killed. And it was over. It was finished.
They lowered His blood-soaked, naked body from the cross and laid it in a tomb and sealed it off with a huge stone. The Jesus they had grown to love was dead. How could this happen?
Locked inside their homes for the night, with the lights dimmed, they hid out of fear that the Romans would find and kill them too. I'm sure they were all in shock about what had just happend. ...Except for Judas, of course.
Let's back the story up a little bit..

The Lord's Supper. It was the Passover feast, and Jesus was talking to His disciples. And to their shock and surprise, He says something they would've never expected. "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me." And each one, of course went around and asked, "Surley not I, Lord?"
Jesus confirms it. One of the very men sitting around the table, feasting with the rest would indeed betray Jesus. And He says, "It would be better for him if he had not been born." Looking around at each other, sad, confused, mouths gaping open, I'm sure. One of US is going to betray our Jesus!?
Then Judas looks at Him and asks, "Surely not I, Rabbi?" (even though he had already made the deal with the chief priests to give him 30 coins for turning Him in) Jesus looks at him and says, "Yes, it is you." And He continues with the feast. He breaks the bread and passes around the wine. They sang, and then they went up to the Mount of Olives.
On the mountain, Jesus informs them, "This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written..." and then He tells of the prophesy in Zecharaiah. But Peter looks at Him and assures Him, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will."
And to Peter's shock Jesus answers, "I tell you the truth, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." What!?

I truely believe Peter wasn't trying to lie when He told Jesus that. I truly believe he thought he had more faith and love than he actually did, and really thought He would never cower away. But despite the love and faith he had in Jesus, it wouldn't be enough. He would still betray Him.
Then at Gethsemane, Jesus asks His followers to go with Him and wait for Him as He went and prayed alone. He begged God to take His cup from Him.. Jesus was afraid of the wrath of God. And even though He didn't want to die, He prayed, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." or in the NLT it says, "Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." And three times He came out to see His disciples and found them all sleeping.
Frustrated, I'm sure, He says, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!" And as Jesus was saying this, Judas walked up with a crowd of people ready to take Jesus away.
Judas greeted Jesus with a kiss to let the chief priests know which was the One they had been searching for. They arrested Him and took Jesus away. And it says, "Then all the disciples deserted him and fled." They really did "fall away on account of me" like Jesus said..
They took Jesus to the Sanhedrin to the high priest Caiaphas so that Caiaphas could find a charge against Him and kill Him. After asking Jesus if He really did claim He was the Son of God, he got his answer. "Yes, it is as you say." Jesus didn't deny it. He really was the Son of God.
After declaring Him worthy of death, Caiaphas took Him to the governer Pilate.
And on Jesus' way to Pilate, Peter denies Jesus three times just like Jesus said he would. Three times he blatantly denied his sweet Jesus. And immediately after denying Him the third time, the rooster crowed and Peter realized what he had done.
After the chief priests declared Jesus worthy of death, Judas went out and hanged himself. He realized all he had done and felt so guilty that it over took him.

Pilate, not wanting to actually kill Jesus because he knew He was an innocent man and his wife had dreams about Jesus, tried to persuade the crowds away from wanting Jesus crucified. But despite his efforts, the just kept yelling, "Crucify him, crucify him!" Every year as tradition, he set a prisoner free. So he gave the choice between Jesus and Barabbas. The crowds chose to set Barabbas free, so Pilate washed his hands on it. He would have this Jesus killed. He had Him flogged first and then it says,

"Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. 'Hail, king of the Jews!' they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took of the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then the led him away to crucify him."

They FLOGGED, MOCKED, and HUMILIATED my Jesus.
They put Jesus up there, on the cross, naked, so badly beaten, thirsty, and with robbers on either side of Him. They put the King of Kings and Lord of Lords of up there, in a place He didn't belong. They put nails through His wrists and through His feet and they put Him up there with robbers. And as people passed by they said, "You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself!" and the soldiers mocked Him too.

But instead of coming down, instead of saving Himself, He stayed up there. He took the insults, the spit, the mockery, the humiliation. He didn't come down because if He had, the salvation we now know would never have come. He had to stay there if He was going to save the world like He said He would. And after six hours of being up there, He cried out in a loud voice, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Then a few verses later it says, "And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit." The Roman soldiers checked to make sure He was dead by piercing His side with a spear.
They took Him down and buried Him an a tomb of a man Joseph who the Bibles says, "who had himself become a disciple of Christ."
They guarded the tomb to make sure the disciples wouldn't take away His body on the third day because they knew of the prophesy, "After three days I will rise again."

Overwhelmed with all kinds of SO many different emotions, they had to live with this news.
He was dead. My Jesus was dead. They killed my Jesus. They had beaten Him and they hung Him on a cross.
I get overwhelmed with anger. How could they do it? And how could all the disciples fall away? If they all said they loved Him so much, how could they really cower away like that? How could Judas betray Him and Peter deny Him? If it was real love, if they really cared about Him, how could they let all that happen?

I can tend to get carried away with being angry at the ones who did that to my Jesus. I condemn them for the terrible people they were.. But it is every bit as much my fault as it was theirs.
I still sin every single day, I still betray Him everytime I decide not to do what He wants me to do, I still cower away from Him when He asks me to take the next big step in my life..
So I might as well have been the one holding the whip, ripping away at His skin.. I might as well have been the one with the hammer, drilling the nails into His arms and His feet. I might as well have been one of the soldiers mocking and humiliating Him.
As much as it hurts to say and as much as I HATE it, I killed my Jesus. I did it.
So the question I should be asking is: How could I do it? If I say I truly love Him, how could I betray Him? How could I let this happen?

I absolutely love to sit down and read the Gospels. I love to read about what my Jesus did and what He said. I pour over pages, desperately seeking out His wisdom, His love, and His compassion because He calls me to be just like Him. And as I read and reread all of His miracles and His humility, I am completely blown away. He was PERFECT in EVERY way, He never, EVER failed(we all know that, I am just simply stating that truth because it is, in fact TRUTH).
And even though I have heard the story of Jesus being betrayed and crucified a million times, and though I have read it countless times with my own eyes, I still find myself broken and heavy-hearted over and over again. He went through all of that for me. For me. 

I understand that God chose me to be in His story because I am nothing and that way He can get ALL the glory for all that He's doing in me now and what He will do in me in the future. But I am still overwhelmed with confusion as to why in the WORLD He would love me so much to endure all that He did. Why would He love me so much that would make Him give up EVERYTHING just so that someday I might know Him and learn to love Him? He went through all that betrayal, that dark place, that hard.. and He goes through it every single day for ME. Why!?
The only reason that I can come up with is that HE is so perfect and so GREAT in love. His love is far bigger than I can ever try to begin to understand. He is WONDERFUL and GOOD and so full of MERCY.. and THAT is why He loves me. Not because of me or who I am, but because of who HE is. And I know that is 100% truth. And I rest in that answer, and I lean on it to be my faith and my hope.
There is NOTHING that I could EVER do to deserve all that He did for me. There is nothing I could ever do to repay the cost it took to take my sins away. And when looking at things in the right perspective, no sacrifice I could ever make would compare to what He sacrificed for me. All the things I think are so hard and ridiculous that He is asking me to give up are nothing. Because I still have my Jesus. He still loves me and paid the penalty for me to be with my Heavenly Father someday. And it is worth it. It is worth the hard and the pain, because HE is everything to me.

So though they call it "Good Friday," I mourn. Because my Jesus was murdered on this day almost 2,000 years ago. My heart feels so heavy and I feel so guilty for being the wretched human I am. I did that to my Jesus.
So this is a night that I mourn, but I also give thanks. Because He was willing to pay that price. I am SO THANKFUL that He would do that for me, I will FOREVER and always be in His debt. I owe Him my very life and SO much more.

But... you know the story didn't end there with His death, right...?

How God brought me to where I am today

Surely, I don't deserve to be in this place again. Surely He(the incredible, awesome, beautiful and amazing God that I get to serve) is sitting here, with me. He has chosen me to love, to lavish such amazing gifts on, to get to know, and He has chosen me to be a part of His story. Broken, small, inadequate me. He chooses me to love, to teach, to adore, to take time and care about. He has chosen me to hear His voice. And I am so humbled and broken, yet filled with peace and joy.
He has shown me that He has been faithful all along. He has been there with me every step of the way until now, He's here in the steps that I am taking now and He will be there in the steps I will take later. He has shown to me unconditional love, undying faithfulness, extravagant hope, and never-ending grace even before I could understand it and even before I would learn about who He was(and still is). And to even try to explain it all would be nearly impossible, but I'll try my best to explain and to remember..

[My biological father's name is Mike, my biological mom's name is Melissa, and my brother and sister are Ashley and Michael]
A little girl with not a care in the world, 5 years old. The biggest hurdle to get over in life was to figure out how to make that stupid 2-wheeler bike stand up straight while riding it. They said that it's possible, but I was pretty sure it wasn't. But with the help of my hero/best friend/mommy, I somehow got it to work and I rode around the block all by myself (well, with my older brother following very slowly behind me to make sure I didn't get lost..). I thought I could handle anything that the world would throw at me.

Just a couple months later, a little confused, but with a little more courage. I woke up(like every night) to Mommy and Daddy fighting. If he says he loves her, why did he always scream at her and hit her and throw stuff at her? She was my best friend and best friends stick up for each other, right? So I ran out as fast as I could with the meanest face I could scrunch, and with the most courage mustered up in me to try and save the day. Just as I entered the room, Mike(biological dad) picked up a full Pepsi can and threw it at her. He had no right to treat her that way. So I tried to put him in his place as best I knew how. I stood right in front of her, with my arms and legs spread as high and big as I knew how (trying to protect her)to try to make him stop. and I kept yelling "STOP! STOP! STOP IT!" And like always, he looked at me with such anger and fire in his eyes and yelled "FINE! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back!" He slammed the door with all his might and screeched his stupid car as loud as he could as he drove away. I turned around and assured my mommy that it was okay and she didn't need to cry and I wiped away her tears. "Everything will be okay. You'll see." And I hugged her till she made me go back to bed and told me that I shouldn't be up so late because I had school in the morning.

Then, a year older, I had seen a lot and was learning a lot. School had been dismissed, but they told me I couldn't go home. So we waited and waited and waited. Finally they let us go home with our cousins and told us it would be six months before we could see our daddy and even longer before we would see our mommy because they went to a place called "prison." Ashley and I stayed with our cousins and Michael stayed with our aunt and uncle who lived next door. That night we awkwardly and quitely ate dinner with them, took our baths and fell asleep watching cartoons on the fold-out bed on the couch. I could tell it would be a long six months.

A couple months later and it was my birthday and I was turning six. Lee and Karen(my cousins) asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told them barbies to play with, but what I really wanted was my mommy and daddy. I was growing up to be such a big girl and thought I could handle things on my own and I wanted them to see it. But since they couldn't, Lee and Karen bought me the barbies and made the day as special as they could.

FInally the six months were up and I got to see my daddy. He stayed with my aunt, uncle and brother for a while and then we moved in with one of his guy friends, Kelly. And after what seemed like a lifetime, I finally got to see my mommy.. It had been 13 months since I had seen her. That day I could hardly believe she was standing in front of me. Such a long time had passed. I had been without my mommy for so long that I had almost forgotten what it was like to have one. I cried because she was finally there, finally holding me, finally whispering that she loved me. We got a house to rent for a few months, and it seemed as though we were happy and everything was okay..

Seven years old and confused, but I was still feeling like I could handle anything. After school dismissed one day, I was called into the nurse's clinic and came to find that my brother Michael and my sister Ashley were in there, waiting for me. The school nurse and principal began to explain to me that I couldn't go home with Mommy and Daddy anymore because they went to prison.. again. I was going to be put in a thing called "foster care" and was supposed to live with a family I didn't know. They told me I was going to be there for a little while until "things were figured out." I looked up at Bubby and Sissy and waited for them to tell me that these people were wrong. I wanted them to tell me that we could go home and be with Mommy and Daddy, but they didn't. I looked into their eyes and I saw fear. They tried to hide it and be strong for me, but I could see it.

The next thing I knew, we were being introduced to our foster mom, Coleen. All three of us were together for a week. And during that week, we went to a small group with other people from the new church we were going to attend. Little did I know, some of those people would soon become such a huge part of me.
The foster family said they couldn't take all three of us, so they kept our brother, and Ashley and I went to one of the families we met at the small group. They were the Fulp family. They took us in and loved us unconditionally. They were there for us and they taught us of the love of Jesus.

I was still seven, scarred, scared, and confused. Visitations with my biological parents started once a week for 2 hours. Every time we would see them, they would tell us they loved us, everything would soon go back to normal, we would be happy again, and that everything was the fault of our foster families. Naiive little me bought those lies. Trying to be an obediant 7 year old, I tried not to like my foster family. I tried to be unhappy and I tried to do as my biological parents told me. But because this foster family was so different and so amazing, I couldn't. My love for them only grew.

Then I was 10 years old, and had had off and on visitations with my biological parents. One night, foster Mom and Dad took Ashley and me up into our room. They explained to us that we would no longer see our biological parents. Mike and Melissa no longer had rights to visitations. We wouldn't be allowed to see them or have any other contact with them until we turned 18. Eighteen. That would be 8 long years away for me. Hurt, confused, angry, betrayed, lost, and scared, I was expected to live with this. I wouldn't get to just wake up and realize it was just a dream. I couldn't change Mike and Melissa's(my biological parents) choices. I couldn't make them choose to love me instead of their sin. I couldn't change what they had done and I couldn't give them a second chance.
Even though I had known God ever since I had first moved in with my foster family, I was angry at Him. Why would He do this to me? How was this fair? What did I do to deserve all this pain and hurt and betrayal? Why wasn't I good enough for my biological parents? Was there anything I could have done to make them love me more? So many questions, so many emotions, so much confusion rushed through me.
So for a few months, I was angry. I felt worthless and completely alone. Though I had my sister living with me, and though I had an amazing foster family, I still felt this way. If my biological parents didn't love me enough and didn't choose me, how could anyone else?

I cannot thank God enough for the amazing new family He had and has blessed me with. They were there for me and they held me when Mike and Melissa weren't there to. They told me they loved me, they took care of me; they were there. And they introduced me to the most incredible person I have ever known, my Jesus. They showed me real love that I had never known before.
During those few months, God made Himself more real to me. He made me realize that He had done all of that for a reason. He did that to give me such a wonderful and beautiful gift; my new family. During dinner one night, I asked Mom and Dad if we could be adopted and, to my surprise, they said they had already begun the process. I was no longer angry with God, I was so thankful.

Then when I was eleven, still small, still learning, still confused and still dealing with wounds that were trying to become scars, November 1st, 2004 was adoption day. We all went to the court house to make it official. All our friends and new family were there. We completely filled the courtroom, and many people had to stand in the back. The judge asked if each person would introduce themselves and tell how they are related to mine and Ashley's lives. I was so overwhelmed by how many people were there for me. THAT is why God "did this to me." Because He had a bigger, better plan for me. After the courthouse, everyone went back to our church and we had a HUGE party. And my Daddy sang Ashley and me a song he had written for us. My heart was so full.

Even though I was adopted and even though I was starting to grow in my relationship with God, I still struggled with anger and hurt towards my biological parents. For years I struggled with self-worth and insecurity. For years I had wounds that took a very, very long time to heal. And they healed only by the grace of God that helped(and still is helping) me.

When I was 13, we adopted our sister from Korea who has cerebral palsy. And our eyes were opened to the great need of orphans. We learned that there were 143 million children in the world without families. So we partnered with a ministry who places kids into Christian homes and we eventually started our own ministry. We were speaking on behalf of these orphans because no one else was.
And through this ministry, we found our brother Joshua(from China) who has spina bifita and our brother Jonathan(from Guatemala) who had a heart murmer and were both in need of homes. God asked us to bring them home and so we did. And while my parents were here, in Guatemala adopting Jonathan, they fell in love with the country and saw the real need first-hand. My dad started leading teams down here, and a little while later, God asked us to move here.

One year, Carissa and I went to a Christian summer camp that we used to go to every year and God really spoke to me. He showed me that it doesn't matter what happened with my biological parents. It wasn't my fault. There wasn't anything that I could've done to make them love me more and choose me. God showed me that they had never been shown the very love they didn't show to me. They didn't understand what real love meant, so they were looking to the world to fill their hearts and make them happy. So I began to pray for them. And God was giving me a love for them that I never had before. God was teaching me forgiveness. And that was a huge step in healing up my scars.

But when I was about 15 or 16, God started putting a passion in me to go to Africa. A pastor from Uganda had come to our church in the states and told about the needs there. He was asking for help. There were so many people without homes and food. There was (and still is) SO much need. And at that same time, I became aware of a 20 year old girl who had literally given everything up to move to Uganda, Africa and do as much as she could there. She is a single mother of 13 girls and is the founder of Amazima Ministries. So becoming aware of the need, God began to put a passion in me to go there and help out myself. God put in my heart a passion for rural ministry, work that I would have to get my hands dirty, literally.

So when we decided we were going to move to Guatemala, I thought it would be like a pit-stop. I felt God was not calling me to go to college, even though I always thought I would go. I felt htat I shouldn't go because much of what I would learn there wouldn't be relevant or applicable for what I would be doing in Uganda. Most of what I would be learning is how to do things in a hospital, how to fill out paper work, and how to work machines. I realized that I could learn first-hand in the ministry we would be doing here, in Guatemala, in the rural villages. And then when I felt I was ready and God was calling me, I would move to Africa and start my own ministry there.

During the move to come here, to Guatemala, God taught me and my family so much. Giving up literally almost everything we had and saying good-bye to everyone we've ever known was SO hard. But we truly believed and still do believe that when Jesus said that in order to be His disciple, we had to give everything we have, He meant it.

Luke 14:25-27;33:
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life- he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."

After moving here, I fell in love with the people and the culture. I began to want to stay here for many reasons. And I half-expected and hoped that God would change His mind about Africa because I wanted to stay here. I LOVE it here. I wanted Him to change His plans for me because my desire was to stay here, forever. I began to develop all these dreams here, and I didn't want to go to Uganda. I didn't want to do that kind of ministry there.
I also didn't want to go because I am SO scared to leave home. I'm so scared to leave my Mommy and Daddy, I'm afraid to leave my best friends(my sisters), and I am so scared of being alone. I know that I am weak and I can't accomplish anything on my own. And knowing that, I was afraid. So for a while, I focused only on what I wanted and not on what God wanted.
And in the last couple months, God has been breaking me of my wants and desires. He has been stripping me of my dreams for me so that I can have His dreams. So the last few months for me have been ones of brokenness. They have been ones of me clinging to God for help and begging Him to fill me. Because I can't do this on my own. He has been using many circumstances in my life to strengthen my faith in Him. He has been using this season of rain to draw me closer to Him. And though it's painful, it's beautful. Because I am experiencing God in so many new ways. He is putting His passions in my heart. He is restoring my want to go to Uganda to help out. He is filling me with His deep love and I hope that it's starting to over-flow and spill out for others to see.

Especially in this last year, God has done a lot on my heart as far as love. He has taught me more about His love that He has for me and for everyone else. And as He was teaching me, He reminded me of all that He did for me because He loved and still loves me. He died for me. He gave His very life for me, even though I fail Him every single day. I don't show Him the love He deserves, and I don't always choose Him over what I want to do. And that is no different than what my biological parents did to me.
So in my brokenness, while He was showing me all this, I begged Him to somehow show His love to them. I begged Him to change their hearts and for them to come to know Him. And I told Him that if there was anything I could do(even though I'm in Guatemala), I would do it. Because they deserve to know His love just as much as anyone else does.
In December of this past year, I actually found my biological mother, Melissa on Facebook. Though I am scared and have no idea where this is going to go, though I have no idea how to make this relationship work, and everytime she responds to me I have to beg God to tell me what to say because I just don't know, I have peace. Because I know this is what He has asked me to do. He has called me to show Melissa an amazing love she has never known. He has asked me to be for her the very thing I needed her to be all those years when I felt lost and alone. I have peace because I know this is where He has called me to be. And in a message I told her,
"I love you too. With a love that is inexpressible because God put it there in me. I love you with His love. I have loved you all this time, even when it was hard. Because I believed and still do believe that He is good and therefore it is good.. Even though I spent all that time wondering how in the world this was supposed to bring God glory, I understand now."

So even though I still have so many questions and so many fears, I have peace. Because I know He has a purpose for it all. He has been everything I have ever needed, so I know He'll be all I will need in the future. His love is far bigger than I can even comprehend and He is in control of everything and knows exactly what He is doing. I praise Him for this point of brokenness, this point of surrender. Because it is in this brokenness, He is drawing me closer to Him, closer to Him than I have ever been. I am at a point where I need Him and only Him. Because without Him holding my hand, I can't do it.
I am so thankful for His grace and His love and His peace that He gives. I am so thankful that He helped me all these years and I'm thankful that I can trust Him with anything. Because I know that in everything He does, He has a purpose. Even though I may not understand it right now, He has given me faith to know that He has everything under control.
Romans 8:28 says:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
He is good and therefore it is good.
I told Melissa that I'll follow Him wherever He leads me. I surrender all that I am to Him because He deserves it.
And she replied with, "People fear giving it all to him. Why? Because they are afraid of what they cant see or touch. They only give in to what they know or have known. So giving into something new and with everything seems so difficult to many. Trusting is the next hardest thing to do."
And I told her, "The truth is, I fear giving it all to Him. I am afraid of what I can't see or touch. I'm afraid to get out of my comfort zone and do something new. Sometimes it is hard to trust.
It's a fight every morning when I get up. It's me taking my cross up daily. Somedays I'm better at it than others.
But more than the fear, more than the pain it causes, I know that God is good. He has proven faithful every single step He's helped me take until this point, so I know He'll be faithful in the future. His peace that He gives when you're in His Will is overwhelming.. and indescribable.
...and that is the whole point of faith.
Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Faith is when you trust Him even though you're scared and even though you don't know what is to come. Faith is when you trust Him anyway, knowing that He is good, even through the pain and the hard.
And the more faith you have in Him, the more adventurous the ride gets. Because He'll take you places you never thought you could go. It's hard and scarey, but it's beautiful."

I don't know what all you have been through. I don't know what your stories look like. I don't know how you've become who you are today. And I won't claim to or pretend to.
Though I can't promise that you will get everything you want in life, I promise that if you give your life to Him, He will help you. I promise that He will never leave your side because HE created you and He loves you. I can only promise that if you love God with all your heart and do all that you can to serve HIm, you will have such joy in your heart and He will show you an incredible love that you've never known before. And in times of trouble, He never promises that He will take you out of it, but He promises that He will help you through it. He will teach you that He is good, therefore it is good. You just have to empty yourself of you so that you can be filled with Him.