This morning during church, it was so incredible to hear my daddy preach. I love the wisdom that God has given to him over the years, and I love seeing his passion for Christ come out as He tells of God's love and as he teaches how to be real, radical Christ-followers. It blesses me to have been raised up in a family that believes the things I believe to be true, and it blesses me that I learn more about Jesus and how to love Him when I'm around them. They are my home, and no matter where I might find myself in the future, they will always be my home.

But as I looked out the window, the dirt was not red. The people that walked by weren't black, they were just brown. The temperature the last couple weeks I'm pretty sure have been below zero(totally exaggerating.. we live in Guatemala for goodness sakes!), instead of the temperature so high it leaves you sweating all the time. I heard English being translated into Spanish instead of into Luganda. Tonight as I sit on my bed, typing all this up, my heart aches for Uganda. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Guatemala and I have been so blessed to live here the last 2 years! My heart aches because of the HUGE need that is there that isn't being met, and it aches because I long to be there because being there is my heart and my passion..

I miss red dirt covering my clothes, I miss black faces and beautiful hearts that you can see in their eyes. I miss African accents and African beads and the servant hearts, even though have have nothing else left to give.
My heart breaks for those kids who were so eager for biscuits(cookies) and water and coloring pages because maybe that is what will fill their empty tummies that afternoon and maybe that coloring page will be one of the only things they own to play with and enjoy. I ache for the kids that have mud homes and have to pay for the latrine, or else just make the streets their bathroom. I ache for those who have broken family because poverty drives people to do ugly things and so does Satan and the lack of God's love. My heart aches for those who's hearts are hard, yet still look for love and acceptance and are crushed every time they aren't shown the love they so desperately long for and deserve. I ache for a culture that lies to you and tells you it's okay to lie, hit, cheat, hate, and every other wrong thing. I ache for children who will wake up somehow skinnier and with less hair and peeling skin than the night before that will likely live the rest of their life without knowing Jesus and will most likely die from the lack of filling up those empty tummies. A place where poverty is HUGE, love is scarce, HIV is high, babies are born all the time, someone needs to step up and be that Christ-follower they claim to be. Someone needs to share His love and grace and hope with those people who desperately need to hear it. Jesus calls us to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." We are to go and teach and love and sacrifice and serve with all we are because that is exactly what Jesus did when He was on this earth and we are to follow in His footsteps and be just like Him. And if He commands this of us and if He says we must do it, then when we're not doing it, doesn't that mean we're sinning and betraying Him and not living up to the name we have taken for ourselves, a Christ-follower? I'm not saying that everyone is called to be a missionary. But I am saying that I believe there are far more people out there who are called to be who simply don't and they run away from the Great plan that God has in store. The church of American is right now the most prosperous group of Christians that has ever lived on this earth. We have almost unlimited resources, money, and opportunities than any other time period before us. And my question for all of us (yes, I said us meaning myself included) is, What are we going to do with it? What are we going to do about this increasing need around us? Are we going to just sit back in our comfortable lives and expect that someone else will do it? Because if everyone says that, then no one will ever go and no one will ever teach and His name will never be proclaimed or taken anywhere.
I will go. I will take this beautiful news of hope and love and Jesus Christ and I will go, though it will cost me everything. He has called me to do it, so I will follow after Him, learning more about Him and learning to love Him more and more with each step I take.

And now since I have this passion in me and since I have this calling, I find myself asking, Where do I go from here? How do I go about living life in Guatemala again? How do I prepare for my ministry in the future while I'm here? How do I get work? How do I search for schools and pick one and actually attend it and work hard for 2 years? How do I apply the faith and the things I learned while I was in Uganda? How to I keep myself from falling into the very same things that hindered me and that so easily entangled me, and how do I run with perseverance the race marked out for me? (Hebrews 12:1) I get overwhelmed when I think of those things and when I look at my life now and see the ways that I already am slipping into those things that I was so convicted of while I was in Africa. And if I can do that even after being in Africa, then how can I ever be impacted and have it actually stick with me? But then I was reminded:

We need to stop wasting our time and stop being afraid of what we cannot see and do not know. We need to move forward full force because of what we do know. -Erwin McManus in The Barbarian Way. 

I just need to cling to Jesus Christ and I need to follow after Him and learn to be more like Him from reading my Bible and listening to His still small voice when He speaks it. I need to learn to love Him more and more every single day. And if I'm doing that, then everything else will fall into place. I do know that He is faithful and will hear me when I call out for help and when I beg Him for forgiveness and ask Him to help me to change. I know that even when I'm amidst adversity and discomfort (and sometimes even comfort), He can help bring me through if I ask Him to and if I actually try to come through too. I will love others and He will show me the steps I need to take to get to where I need to be in my future. And He will teach me to love and be thankful for the place that I find myself at right now. How can we ever get to the future if we never stop and take time to thank Him for where we are now? We are always in transition time. Every day is a step closer to our new goal.. and once that goal is reached, then we find a new goal and push on towards that.

Right now I can love and spend tons of time with my family. Right now I can research and find schools to attend hopefully in fall of 2013. Right now I can fall more in love with Jesus as He teaches me through His Word and as He speaks to me every day. Right now He can teach me through ministries here in Guatemala, whether they link directly with the ministry I'll have in Uganda, or whether they are just helping me to gain more experience on the mission field and help me to build relationships and teach and show God's love in different ways. Right now I can stop and be thankful and praise Jesus that He has brought me this far, and cling to Him every single day as He takes me to who He wants me to be, to the places I'm supposed to go, and to the ministries I'm supposed to do. Right now I can learn all I can from my mommy and daddy while I'm still under their roof and I can take advantage of the opportunity that I have of accountability with my sisters.. and I can learn from their wisdom too. And I can intentionally love my younger siblings and show them a love that I have failed to show them all these years of being their older sister.

God is good through every cirumstance. He always has a plan for what He's bringing you through now. And He always wants you to follow radically after Him, seeking Him and loving Him more and more, and He wants you to go with Him and teach others about who He is.. even to the hard places. He wants you to serve, to love, to share, to go, to disciple, and to be the very person He created you to be. He wants you to live up to the potential He has for you and He wants you to use the talents He gave you to get there. And He wants all the glory and the honor and the praise to go to Himself because it is only through Him that all of this is accomplished. It is only through Him that we are saved and made new and it is only His love that we so desperately long for and find when we seek Him. It is He who does all this, because without Him, we are nothing. And that is the only reason for which we can do anything He calls us to do. His power is made perfect in our weakness. He meets us where we end. He carries us when we can't go anymore. He speaks through us and moves in us and through us. He is God and we are not. 

Jesus' hope and where God's leading me

I know that Carissa and I got back home almost 2 weeks ago (Nov 1st... adoption day! :) ), and I'm sorry that it has taken so long for me to write. My experience in Africa was one that I will never, EVER forget about and I PRAISE Jesus for letting me have such an experience of serving Him and others, of loving with more love I could've imagined, and with SO much peace as I was doing what He was asking me to do. I believe I updated you here and there in the first weeks of being there, but I figured I'd fill you in on bits and pieces here and there that stood out to me and that taught me the most..

It was the third week of me being in the beautiful country of Uganda, and I found myself right smack-dab in the heart of the Namowango slum. I had prayed to Jesus countless times before about being in the heart of Africa because that is where I felt He was calling me. I remembered years back to when I was sitting on my bed in my room of our comfy house in our comfy town in our comfy state in our comfy country and I begged Him to take me out of that comfort. Even though I was absolutely terrified of what that might mean, I begged Him anyways because I knew that was what He wanted for me, so I wanted it to because His plan is always best. And I couldn't believe that I was finally there. I look around and all around me is poverty. Everything is covered in red dirt and everything has stains from anything and everything. Trash covered so much of the ground and red dirt huts and hardly-holding-together wood shacks lined dirt roads. Streams of water that I'm almost sure wasn't just water ran through everyone's homes and I cannot even describe to you the stench. But even though I found myself in such hopelessness and hurt and horror, I looked around and saw black faces staring at me, each one full of stories I can't even imagine, each one with a human heart just like mine that God gave them. Everyone smiled at me when I smiled first and said, "hi" and each one wanted to be noticed by the mzungu(me, the white girl). I wished I could go around to every single little person and pick them up and twirl around with them in my arms and whisper to them that they are special and I wanted to tell them that I loved them and Jesus loved them, even if they didn't understand because it is the truth. I saw hurt souls that have been lied to and misled and compromised so much more than I could even try to comprehend. And it hit me. How in the world am I supposed to make even the slightest difference in such poverty? I'm just me, there's no way I could ever be enough or do enough to even make a dent. And as I sat there listening to a mother telling about her home situation of not having toilets or showers or having to wait in line all day to fill up their always empty water buckets, I begged God to whisper His still small voice to me. He called me there, He provided and made the way for me to be there, so what was I supposed to do? And as I stood there trying to take in as much as I possibly could so I could try to take it home with me, He whispered to me and it was so clear that He might as well have yelled it across the whole country.

My purpose in being there had nothing to do with their lack of food or clothes or money for rent. There's no way little Teisha could change even a single thing there. My purpose is to share His love and hope with anyone and everyone. I am supposed to share Jesus' saving story with anyone and everyone because even if I can't change a single thing about their physical state, saving their souls is what matters. People can have so much or so little in this life, but that doesn't matter because all of it will be thrown away in the end.. but if I can help with their physical state to, then I will because I believe that's what Jesus would do.

As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.' For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile-the Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, 'Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom the have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!'" Romans 10:11-15

That is why I am called to be smack-dab in the heart of the slum in the middle of Uganda, Africa. He has called me to be those beautiful feet who bring good news. And I am so humbled that He has chosen me to do so. Because even though I was there to hopefully bless them, I'm absolutely convinced that they have blessed me so much more. And I am so honored that He has asked me to go back there and bless and be blessed even more. And it's not me doing the work either, it's not me blessing lives. It is the God above of all, the Creator of all things, the Servant of servants who does it through me. And He gave me a chance while I was there in Uganda to share those good news and His love.

A few weeks later when I was at another ministry working in another slum in Uganda, I got the opportunity to share my testimony with a group of about 25-35 women who have lived as slaves to poverty ever since they were born into poverty. I have learned over the years that God had a purpose for all that happened when I was a little girl, for when I found myself in a situation that I thought was completely and utterly hopeless. I knew He had a plan for that hurt, for that loneliness and abandonment, and I had thought that I had already seen almost all of the good that was going to benefit from it. But I was so wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my story doesn't scale compared to the stories they live and face every single day. I know that my troubles were so little compared to the troubles people all around me have, so I don't pretend that my story was worse than it was. But it was hard, and it is a story of hope and that is why I shared it.

As I shared with the women, I'd say a sentence, Cliff would translate it into Luganda and then Lilian would translate it into Acholi(the native language of that tribe). I shared all that happened when I was little and the things I felt and I shared how God brought me through and how He was there with me the whole time, even when I didn't understand. And I told them, "I don't know most of your names, I don't know the stories of your lives, the things you have been through to bring you to be the person you are today. I don't know the things you face every single day, most of them are harder than I can even imagine. And I can't promise you that God will take you out of any of those situations. I can't promise you that you'll find yourself with more money you've ever had, I can't promise that He will make every relationship better and all circumstances better.. But I can promise you a love and a hope that you have never imagined. I can promise you that even when you walk through the darkest times in life, He will walk with you through them and when you can't stand on your own, He'll carry you. And that makes the difference. He came to save souls, to comfort the lonely, to mend the broken-hearted. He is the God of the universe and He holds all things together.. and He holds our hearts together too, even when it feels like everything else is falling apart." I told them of when God called me to Uganda, and even though I didn't know why back then, I still followed Him anyways. And as I followed Him, He showed me why I was supposed to be there, and that reason was so that I could stand there in front of all those women and tell them of His love and goodness despite all the ugliness and lies all around. And I also said more words that He put in my mouth to say, and I cannot begin to try to describe to you the emotion that was in that room.
That was the reason I was in Uganda in the time that I was there. That is what I am called to do. And that is exactly what I'm going to do when I get to go back.

And not only do I want/feel called to share that story, but I feel called to teach more. To teach of Jesus' life, lives of others who lived before us who had wisdom to share with us that we can learn from. To teach the very words God breathed so that we can get to know Him better and so that we can learn to follow Him radically through life even harder and more closely behind Him than we ever have before.

And for that reason, I feel that God has called me to go to Bible school so I can learn more so I can teach more. It terrifies me thinking of living back in the states, without my family, doing school work that I was so thankful to be done with when I graduated from high school. But it is what I must do. It is in His plan for me, so I must radically follow behind, trusting He'll bring me through. Where God calls, He provides, He equips, He loves, and like I said, He has a purpose.

Today I was a little girl again :)

I'm sitting on my bed, looking at pictures of Guatemala and the people I love there, which slowly turns into looking at pictures of Uganda and the people I have learned to love here too. I have my door wide open so the breeze can go through more rapidly, and hopefully cool off my never-ending sweating that I would most definitely appreciate stopping. I see girl after girl running by my room, and little 3-year old Secret toddling behind, all squealing and giggling as they go by. Then they run by the opposite way, running towards their rooms to grab their shoes and I get excited and I want to see too. The little girl in me takes over and I leave my not-yet-looked at pictures pulled up on my bed and I forget to turn off my music and the light and I run out to ask what they were all doing. "We are going to escort Auntie Betty," answers Big Prossy and I ask if I can go too and she tells me I can and I run back to my room and before I know it, I have my shoes in hand and I'm running out both gates and I collect Secret in my arms. I slip on my shoes and we all slow the pace as we catch up with Auntie Betty and her little daughter Sarah. We laugh and we skip down the red dirt road and even though it's a 10 minute walk we all wish it never ended. We come to the end of the street and we say goodbye to her until tomorrow and we all look at each other and smile and we head back. I ask Big Prossy to help me put Secret on my back because even though she looks little, she's heavy, too heavy for me to carry in my almost muscle-less arms and she does so and smiles at me. I hear the once-terrified-of-me-Secret giggle behind my back because the Ugandan roads are known for their potholes and it's bumpy.. and I add some bumps along the way too ;) I look down and see how far Sunday has come, knowing only the stories they told me of what his childhood had looked like up until this point and I praise Jesus that he and his sister Secret have found a home in Minnesota to go to.
I look around at Gracie, Prossy, Eron, and Esther and I see joy and laughter and I praise Him that even though every orphan in Uganda and in the whole world can't be saved, these girls were. They live a better life now than they probably could've ever imagined when they were so little, and all the praise only goes to Jesus who deserves it and who made it all happen. I thank Him that Big Prossy can live with us for a while and that hopefully she can learn how to love Jesus while she's here until boarding school starts up again and she can go back to school for the first time in years.
God called me here so many years ago and I thank Him and praise Him for the joy that I have in my heart from being here and learning culture and enjoying every minute I can until it's time for me to go back.. so I can have the best memories possible that can hopefully hold me over until I can one day come back and call this my home.
We skip even more down the dirt road and strangers are staring at me like I'm crazy for laughing and playing with the ugandan girls, but I don't care and I keep laughing harder because I love these girls and they have blessed me SO much just by knowing them.
We walk through the first gate and Big Prossy takes Secret off my back and I try to air some of the sweat off my back and Esther grabs my hand and so sweetly asks me, "Will you play with us, Teisha?" "Of course I'll play with you!" I answer back before my brain can even catch up with my mouth and we all run through the second gate and all the way through the house to the back yard. We run as fast as we can down the steps, but slow enough that we don't fall and get hurt and we all stand in a circle and they all grab my hands and I'm shocked and have no idea what to do. Sunday starts chanting a song in his language and I'm pretty sure that not even the other girls understood exactly what they were saying, but they all learned the song and answer back in unison and I just smile because I have no clue what is going on. Then they all join in with the same tune and they start skipping in a circle and I follow to the best of my ability. Then they all collapse on the ground at the same time and we all giggle because I miss my cue and I am the last one standing. I fall down and we stay there laughing for a little while and then all get up and sing other songs and do other dances that I awkwardly follow along with. All the sudden Sunday is on the ground with his eyes covered and Prossy tells me "you're supposed to hide!" And I run and try to find the best hiding place fast enough so that he won't see me and then he yells, "ready?" and we all yell, "yes!" back to him and he gets up giggling wildly and hardly walking straight and he eventually finds us and we start again, only it's Esther's turn this time. Then we break up and I realize I'm getting bit up by mosquitoes so I run inside to grab the bug spray and as soon as I'm done Esther runs in and grabs my hand and tells me, "We're going to the front to play jump rope!" I get a huge smile because I was a pro at jumping rope when I was a little girl.
I skip hand-in-hand with Esther to the front and she hands me my shoes that I accidentally left out in the back. I wait for all the girls to go first so I could see what kind of talent I was competing with and I hear little Secret yell, "Teeta! Teeta!" (she was yelling my name and telling me it was my turn.) I yell it back to her and the girls start and I jump and jump and I totally crush all of their scores. They look at me like I'm the best person they had ever seen and I ask if they have ever tried to start the rope and then jump in after. They all say "wow!" and try it... and they all fail. They look to me and tell me it's my turn and I bunch my skirt together at my knees so it doesn't get in the way and I tell them to start. I tell them that I could be a little rusty and I jump in at the perfect time and jump 20 jumps and they all get amazed again. Then I grab the rope to give them a chance to do it too and I tell them when to jump in and I speed up/slow it down when I realize they won't make it. And we jump for a while until we realize we are late for baths so we run inside and a few of us pull out the game Life while they take baths and while we waited for Mommy Tomi so we could watch a TV show. We get a whole round in and finally she comes out and the girls start claiming who is going to sit by me and they all sit on the couch accordingly and direct me to my assigned spot. I pretend to be oblivious and sit in the chair across the room and they all giggle and tell me, "Noooo, Teisha! You sit HERE!" And I say, "OOooooh" as if I hadn't understood before and snuggle myself between Prossy and Esther. And we sit and we watch a show I could care less about, but I enjoy it anyway because I love being in this country, with these people.
Even though I miss my family and all my many, many brothers and sisters and my Mommy and Daddy while I'm here, it's nice because tonight I feel like I have new sisters and a new brother until I can be back with my own in about a week.
I LOVE it here in Uganda and am so blessed that I can be here and that God can show me all He has since I've been here.
Thank you all SO much for your prayers and your support to get me here! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could never, ever thank you enough! And I praise Jesus that He gave me this call and helped me through it and has been my strength all this time, because without Him, I would've never, ever made it this far. And I can't wait to see what He will do in my future here!

Morris and the foot tickling

"God is great, I live to celebrate. He came into my heart and tick-tick boom! went the chains. Tick-tick boom! went the chains."

That is a song that two girls wrote the lyrics to when they were here visiting. They taught all the kids at the school how to sing it. So you constantly hear the little kids and the big kids singing it while they play. They also sing songs about being set free because Jesus set us free, being mad for our King and becoming undignified for Him, and that God remembers them. I love listening to all of the kids singing with their very heavy Ugandan accent singing songs I already knew and songs they taught me. I have been going to the school every school day*except for Independence day) since I have been here with this ministry, and every day I am blessed more than the first. I love tutoring Janet and Gilbert and playing with the little kids outside and helping serve lunch to them. And I love the way they all call me "Teacher" (well, sometimes they call me teacher and sometimes they call me by my name.. but with their accents it sounds exactly the same). The other day Carissa, Alena and I arrived on bodas, and as soon as we got to the school area all the kids yelled "MUZUNGU!!" and they ran over and almost knocked us over because they all wanted to give us hugs. I love it here!

Not only do I love it at the school, but I love being home! I love Little Sam, Esther(Little Sam and Esther aren't the kids that Katie and Mallory took in. They live here with their mother), Sam(he's not big by any means.. he's just bigger than the toddler), Morris, Bwanika, Ivan, and Emma. And I loved meeting Timothy, Richard, Fred, Fahad, and Edwin the other day(those 5 go to boarding school). They are all hilarious and so much fun to be around!
I was thinking about my relationship with them and how to describe it. I thought maybe it's like a brother-sister relationship. But then decided that wasn't it. But then I thought well, it's most definitely not like a mother-son relationship. So how can I explain it?? But then I realized. They all call us Auntie Teisha and Auntie Carissa, and that is exactly the way to explain it. I love to pick on them and play with them, and yet I have authority over them, but not authority like a parent. I feel like their Auntie Teisha!

The other day we were playing outside in the front yard with the boys(we as in Carissa and I) and I had bigger Sam on my back. But then he pushed off the side of the porch with his foot and made me step my one foot into the really gushy, gross mud. We all laughed really hard for a long while, but then as soon as the laughing was over, I realized what in the world am I supposed to do about this muddy foot? I looked at Morris and teasingly asked him if I could use his shirt to clean it off and he looked at me like he had this bright idea and held out his index finger in the air, signaling for me to wait. He's not all that great at English, he's still working at it, so I just assumed he misunderstood me and I walked into the grass to try to wipe some of it off. A minute later he came out with a cup of water and looked at me like I was supposed to do something. I looked at the cup and then up at him and asked, "What?"
Because he isn't great at English and apparently he's not a huge fan of speaking Luganda either (his native language), he usually just makes hilarious sounds and gestures. So he looked at me and made this hilarious sound and used his index finger to make a circle in the air, signaling for me to turn around. So I turned around. Then he held out his hand like I was supposed to put something in it. I gave him an I-have-no-idea-what-you-want-me-to-do-look and he pulled my leg up and held my foot in his hand. At first I freaked out because I really don't like people touching my feet. I thanked him for the willingness to wash my feet, but held my hand out for the water and told him I could do it myself. He put the water behind his back and told me "no" and held his hand out again for me to put my foot in it. I was really going to have to let him clean my foot, wasn't I?
I took a deep breath and put my foot in his hand and closed my eyes because I knew this was going to be hard. He started to pour the water over my foot and he started to wipe some of the mud away and I freaked out and laughed so hard because it tickled. I looked at him one last time and reassured him that I can very easily do it myself and he looked at me like I was crazy. So I took an even deeper breath and tried it again.
He very faithfully and diligently cleaned off all the mud from the bottom of my foot and between my toes. I will not deny the fact that I was laughing wildly the entire time and was very anxious for it to be over. He looked at me and gave me a huge smile and turned around and headed to the kitchen to put the cup back. I yelled "thank you" to him as he headed back, though I'm pretty sure I would've been more thankful if he had just let me do it myself.

A little later that night when I was in our room reading my Bible and writing in my journal just before bed, I couldn't stop thinking about Morris and what he had done for me, and I wasn't really quite sure why. He had just put me through all that torture and tickled me beyond what I would've been comfortable with, so why would I sit there, thinking about it as if he had done something great for me? Then I realized that he had.

If anyone I knew had stepped in that mud(other than a kid) I would've been the one to grab them a cup of water and make them do it them self. Feet are really gross to me, so why would I sit there and clean off a dirty one when they can just do it? Then I realized two things. One thing is that Morris used to live on the streets, so he probably could care less about touching my feet and would probably stick my foot in his mouth if I had asked him to. I also realized that Morris was being a servant. These boys here have such a respect and are so willing to serve all the aunties and uncles here, even Carissa and I who are only here for 2 and a half weeks.
Looking back, I wish I would've been more thankful and not as sarcastic. He served me in a way I wouldn't have been that willing to serve him in. And now thinking about it, it blesses me so much! My pride is too big and I still have a long way to go as far as learning humility and servant hood. And I am so thankful for all of these children and these people here who are teaching it to me! I need to be washing people's feet just as Jesus washed His disciples' feet(physically and metaphorically). I need to learn to be a servant of servants, just as my Jesus was.

Fear of geckos and chickens and everything else

I had originally written out a blog post a couple days ago that I was going to post today.. But now that today is here, I feel that I have something stronger and pressing harder on my heart that I feel that I need to write about instead. Maybe the other post with be here in a few days to come.

I sat down this morning to spend time with my Jesus. I have been looking forward to this time all morning, and when the time finally came, I sat down and stared at my journal and Bible. I was subconsciously procrastinating it, and I have no idea why. In my head I was saying, "Yes! I'm finally gonna spend some time with Him and learn a little more of who He is and His love." but when I sat  down, I wanted to keep eating the warm, fresh g-nuts(peanuts), I wanted to get up and do my hair for the day because I have yet to do anything with it today, I wanted to make a list of things I need to do before I leave Uganda, I wanted to put on some music, I wanted to go and work out with the other girls, and I wanted to sit here and think about Guatemala and how much I miss my family. Why would I want to do anything and everything but spend time with my Jesus, when spending time with Him is all that I wanted to do this morning?
When I sat down to actually quiet my heart before Him, He started to teach me..

Conviction. I love it when God convicts me because that way He can correct me and help me learn to be more like Him. But then again I hate it because I don't like being wrong and then have to actually work to fix the wrong and hopefully make it right. The last couple days(actually the last few weeks) God has been convicting me of priorities I have in my life that shouldn't be there, things I need to work towards when I get home, and He's been teaching me humility and servant hood.

I know this is ridiculous and I feel ridiculous even admitting this, but honesty is so very important and I don't want to pretend (or try to pretend) that I am perfect and I have no flaws. I have big imperfections, I have small imperfections, and I have imperfections any where between those two. I'm pretty sure that I have way more imperfections than good or right in my life, but I think maybe that's okay because God is teaching me to take those imperfections and try to make them not-so imperfect.. And in 2 Corinthians 12:9 it says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." If I have so many weaknesses in me, it gives God that many more times to show me His power and how much He really is sufficient in this life. Every time I am not enough and I can't cut it, He shows me that He is enough and He can cut it and that helps to grow my faith.
The thing that is so ridiculous and I don't want to admit is that I fear. I fear almost anything and everything to a point that I feel like such a little girl all the time. I fear small animals, big animals, bugs, some people(mostly men), being alone, doing things on my own, teaching and sharing God's Word and Jesus' saving-story. I fear the future and all that will be in it, I fear what will happen if I don't do what God asks me to do, I fear being a big girl and having to live far from my family someday, and the list can go on, and on, and on.
One of the girls that lives here was reading in 1 John, and she read chapter 4 verse 18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
If I fear, then that means I'm not trusting in God to take care of me and I'm not letting Him have His incredible, perfect Way in me.. and it means that I am not loving Him. I think some fear is good because we are to fear and love God. But if I fear everything all the time, then how is that having faith that God will have His Way in me and trusting Him that that Way is good and perfect and ultimately the best thing that could happen in the end?

Yesterday I was sitting on the dirt porch facing the gathering of children during music class at the school. They were singing their little hearts out(a little off beat and a little off key, but it sounded beautiful anyway) when a chicken walked up to me. A couple feet out from me was a bean that the chicken wanted to eat, but she was scared of me. She hesitated from a couple feet away and kept darting her eyes at the seed and then back at me, wondering if she could make it to the seed and back without me hurting her. When she first walked up, I was terrified. My heart started racing and my knees felt kind of weak and I wanted to scare the hen away without her getting her bean because I didn't want her close to me. As I watched her being afraid of me and staring at the bean and then back at me, I realized how absolutely ridiculous it was for me to fear the fearful chicken. I wasn't trusting God to take care of me (or trusting Him even if the chicken by slim chance decided to attack me). I trusted Him to provide for my trip, to bring me all the way here to Uganda, and yet I was afraid of the two or two-and-a-half foot chicken standing in front of me. I prayed that Jesus would give me the courage I needed to not be afraid of the chicken and He helped me. I was literally reaching my hand out to touch it when she darted for the silly bean and ran away clucking and bobbing her head back and forth.
I also feared the tiny inch and a half-long gecko that fell on my face while making beads the other day. I feared the baby goat that I was trying to quickly take a picture of when we were returning home from a day of fun with the boys. I feared the men who were callings us beautiful mzungus(white people) and saying things in Luganda that I was very thankful that I didn't understand a couple days ago when Carissa and I ran out to get chapates for dinner(the boys made dinner and put minnows in it....not a fan of minnows). I am afraid of the boda every time I have to ride one. And I was a afraid of standing up in the middle of the church service last Sunday and actually preaching the TRUE Word of God because the pastor had it all wrong.
I need to let go of the fear because like it says in 1 John, if I fear, then I am not made perfect in love. I asked God to teach me more about Him and His love when I sat down to spend time with Him, and He started teaching me in a way that I didn't expect.
I went on reading in 1 John 5 and starting at verse one and it says,
Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

I am not carrying out His commands when I fear because He tells me not to fear. And when I love Him and believe in His Son, then He helps me overcome the world.. which includes the fear and all the temptation that is in it. God is love, not fear. So I must learn to love Him and overcome the fear. His power is made perfect in weakness, so I know that He will meet me where I end and He will compensate for the courage that I lack. And He will teach me that courage and how to apply it in other areas of life too.

I am SO very thankful that God has been with me, that He is with me, and that He will continue to be with me as I carry out the rest of my time here(and even when I'm home and everywhere else that I will go). My time is half-way up now, and I can hardly believe it.  God has been so good to me and He has been teaching me and growing me. So now I'm praying that He will continue to teach me to love Him and others and help me not to fear, and that I will take all of this with me when I go home to Guatemala and keep it with me wherever I go. I LOVE Uganda and I can't wait for the day that I can actually be here to stay!

Praising Jesus

This morning I woke up praising my Jesus. He deserves every bit of praise that I could ever give Him and SO much more.
I loved being able to live with the Broce family for a week and a half, I loved it how much they helped us to put this whole trip together, and I have been so blessed by them!
Now I am at a ministry called Doors. They started out being 2 freshly-graduated from college taking in boys off the street. But now they actually have a house, they have 5 kids that go to day school and come home in the evenings and weekends, and 5 kids that go to boarding school. they also took over a school nearby(ish) and run that, they do medical every so often and give vitamins and medicine, and they have a jewelry ministry. We moved in yesterday, and ever since then, I have been so blessed to sit and listen to the 5 out of 7 ladies who live here telling stories, speaking wisdom and showing a love and a passion that I beg God to help me have too. And they most certainly do not live like most Americans do.

So this morning I felt like I woke up to Uganda. I praised Jesus as I heard Luganda being spoken outside and awkward squawks I didn't know birds could make, and I praised Him as I opened my eyes to a canopy of mosquito netting protecting me from all the mosquitos and the flies. I praised Him as I got up, changed, and went to the living room where I found everyone sitting and drinking coffee and reading their Bibles. I praised Jesus as we did a work out called "Insanity" and I praised Him as I found out that the work out was indeed insane and I praised Jesus as all of me felt like a noodle as I rinsed off in the shower before heading to the school. I praised Jesus for the hilariously awkward helmet I must wear as I ride the bodas (motorcycles) and I praised Him for the fear I had that caused me to hold on a little tighter as I was absolutely convinced we would for sure hit a wheel-barrel stopped on the side of the road or be squished like a bug because we were trying to fit in too-tight of spaces. I PRAISED Jesus when we finally got off and wen I knew that He was giving me another chance to live because He spared me of the terrifying boda.
I praised Him as we walked inside and was welcomed by a million black eyes and dark faces that were staring back at us instead of paying attention to their teachers. I praised Jesus as I was able to whisper His name as I applied cream to 50 heads of ring worm and as I cleaned out and bandaged up 4 wounds. I praised Him as I tried to help a little girl Dorrin learn how to write the letters "a," "b," and "c." I praised Jesus for chalk boards to write on, for still-holding together benches of which to sit on, tables to put books on, teachers to teach, cooks to cook, and His love and presence as He makes all of it happen. I praised Him as we walked under the scorching sun to a Mexicans restaurant called, "The little donkey" (yes, it was English, it wasn't even "El burrito" in Spanish) that seemed to be about 100 miles away from the school(totally exaggerating). I praised Jesus as we got back and I got to sit in the back of the class as Mallory was teaching English to some of the mothers of the children who attend the school. And I was praising Him as He helped the boda driver not to kill us on the way home (somehow the 2nd boda ride was even scarier than the first).

I am SO thankful for my Jesus and for all that He has done for me and all that He has done for these people here. It is such a HUGE privilege to be here and to praise my Jesus with the other missionary girls who live here and with all the Ugandans we have been working with. He is ALWAYS faithful. And I invite Him and I pray that He will keep filling me with His love and mercy and hope and faith and that He will do the same to those who are here too. Come, Lord Jesus, come! 

Uganda!

Today Carissa and I went to a school that a ministry here in Uganda has taken over and we started out the morning doing medical stuff. I was in charge of cleaning out and bandaging up wounds on kids and it felt so good to be there! Then they put me on teaching a few(4) students how to read. They are older kids, but struggle in actually reading. I never thought I could like being or could be good at being a teacher. But it was so fun!

I'm actually surprised that I came home in one piece and with all of(most of) my hair. All the kids love being with, holding the hand of, doing the hair of, and staring at the mzungus (white people). I thought sure one of them might actually manage to pull off one or both of my arms or pulling out all of my hair. But in spite of all the pulling and not-so-smoothness, it is incredible to look into each and every one's almost-black eyes, dark skin, and white smiles. Each one has such a beauty that is hidden when first looked at, but once you get them to smile, I think the whole world brightens up (not that they are ugly at first-glance by any means! They are so beautiful even when they aren't smiling that it makes them that much more beautiful when they do smile). It makes traveling 8,500 miles all the way to come here SO worth it.

I think I understand now more than ever why Jesus said that it is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. As I look at each kid, I see joy in spite of the world they find themselves living in. They have nothing, yet they can still smile and laugh and make my day and have a joy that I can only believe Jesus put there. Why should it be so hard for me and everyone else that has SO much more than them need to do that too? I think it partly has to do with the fact that we don't really need to rely on Jesus that much. I mean we do, but not nearly to the extreme that these people do. And I believe that part of it is that we build up treasures here on earth and we build our faith based upon material things instead of our Jesus.

I had my cross necklace on this morning (as I usually do) and a little boy that I was playing with noticed it. He took it into his hands and began talking endlessly to his friend about something I didn't understand (I hoped it had at least something to do with my necklace because he continued to hold it and point to it). And then I heard one of the few words in Luganda that I've learned in my few days of being here. Yesu. The word for Jesus. Somebody had been teaching this kid and at least he knew that Jesus was related to the cross.. He might understand it completely, or he might not. But I know that he's getting there!

For such a long time I have been praying that God would bless the people here and somehow teach them about Him and show them His love that He has for them. And I prayed that maybe I could be a blessing that could teach them of Jesus' love and hope He offered to them when He died on the cross for them (and for me). And I cannot begin to describe to you the joy that I have in my heart now that I'm here because He has already begun. I know I'm in a small part of Uganda and I've only been here such a short time and I only know a few kids, but I see hope. Hope where I least expected it and love and joy where I wasn't sure there would be. Our God is GOOD and He never forgets His people!

And I hoped I was going to be the one to bless others by being here and share God's love, but I was so wrong. Because I am the one being blessed by being here. I am the one learning His love in ways I never understood before and I am seeing my Jesus in the eyes of these precious children. I don't deserve to be here with these people, and I don't deserve this love and mercy God showers down on me every day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have given financially, who have thought of us and who have prayed for us in all of this! My life is forever changed, and I pray that many others will be changed too! God is SO good!

9 more days!

Only 9 days are left until Carissa and I step foot on an airplane and our lives will be forever changed. I am so thankful for how incredibly faithful God has been through all of this, and I am so very thankful that I can know He will continue to be the rest of the way!
In these last weeks, Carissa and I have been planning and preparing for what will come on our trip. Like, emailing and messaging missionaries that are oh, so helpful and answer our every question we think of about what to expect or bring, like making a master packing list of every little thing we(well, I) can think of that we will need to bring, like paca(clothes store) runs to make sure we have skirts and shirts that will work with and match those skirts, like waiting and watching as God is providing everything we need, and anticipating this trip we've been looking forward to for such a long time!
Now that the time is finally just a few days away, the reality is setting in of the fact that I'm going to have to be away from my family and my Mommy and Daddy for a whole month and a half! I've never been away from my family for such a long time, let alone so far! It's scary thinking of us living there and experiencing life all by ourselves, but I am so VERY confident that God will take care of us and that His Will will be done while we are there.
And it's also somewhat intimidating thinking about how everything I've ever believed in is being put on the line. I have believed(and still believe with ALL my heart!) that God is ALWAYS faithful and He ALWAYS has a purpose for things and that He ALWAYS works for the greater good of those who love and serve Him, and now it is all being put to the test. Was I right about all the things I've ever believed in, is God really faithful, will He really come through, and will He really be everything He promises He will always be?
Anytime I think of these questions, anytime they are brought to my mind, God answers them with the perfect answer. I Am. He Is Faithful. He Is Good. He Is perfect. He Is Love. He Is All-knowing. He Is All-powerful. He Is wonderful. He Is grace. He Is Mercy. He Is my God who deserves to be praised with every breath I have in me.

So though the last weeks have been somewhat stressful with a never-ending to do list that is never completely checked off, God is faithful. And I praise Him for that! He has put this trip together, He has picked this time and this place, and He has chosen Carissa and me. And I will trust Him that His Will be done in and through it.

Prayers that the rest of the support will come in and prayers that Carissa and I will have peace as the day actually gets here are very much appreciated! Thank you all for your prayers and for all of the support you have all given. Carissa and I are SO very blessed!

Stepping Stones

When I was a little girl, I had a huge imagination that usually got the best of me. I loved to spend my time in fields of grass, skipping around and collecting every dandelion my tiny hands could hold because dandelions were the most beautiful flower I had ever seen and I wanted to give them all to my beautiful mommy(Melissa) who I thought deserved them. I would lay down and look at the sky and see the pretty clouds above and make pictures out of them, and talk to myself about them and wish I could touch them. I loved to swing on the swing set and beg her to push me higher and higher because if I could just reach a little farther I could touch the sky! And I loved stepping stones. I used to leap from one to the next with my tiny little legs, following wherever the stones would lead me. I used to always pretend that I couldn't touch the grass or the ground around because I had to stay safe from the hot lava or the sharks that were going to eat me! And if I did step off, I would fight off the sharks and withstand the immense heat of the lava. And I always wanted to follow the steps after my biological mommy because she was who I wanted to be when I grew up, she was my everything. And sometimes when she held her hand out to catch me, I batted it away and told her I was a big girl and I could do it all by myself! But sometimes I took her hand because I loved her and trusted her to help pick me back up.
But when the stepping stones that followed after her suddenly stopped and were completely cut off and I felt that I was standing there all alone with no where to go, God held my hand and carried me to the next stepping stone that took me to my new mommy.

And as I followed my new mommy, she taught me that I didn't have to face the immense heat on my feet or fight off the sharks alone. She was there with me, holding my hand and we were taking the steps together. But even as I grew taller, somehow the leaps never got smaller, they just kept getting bigger. My legs were never a match for the spaces between each stone. But it was okay because my new mommy was there with me, teaching me how to take bigger steps and how to be like her. Sadly, I have to admit that I didn't stick as closely behind her like I should have. Looking back, I stepped off the stones way more than I needed to or should have and sometimes I still do. I wish I could say that I am as much like my mommy as I could possibly be, but I'm not. Beauty and wisdom like hers will take many years to acquire, so I know that I still have a long way to go until I will be like her, but that's okay. Because that's what this walk is about anyway, learning to become who our God created us to be.
And though I'm not perfect, she still teaches me and she still sticks with me when I start to slip off the edge. She teaches me how to get back on, and to plant my feet more firmly so I won't fall off so easily next time. And as she is teaching me all this, she is also teaching me that I don't only have her walking with me, leading me to who I should become someday. I have my Jesus guiding me too. You see, He was the One leading her all this time too!

Now that I'm not-so-much a little girl anymore and my legs are way longer than they used to be, the leaps I'm taking are even bigger yet. The jumps are getting farther and farther apart, but my Jesus always brings me through. He is what has brought me to this stepping stone that I'm standing on now. Though I didn't know who He was when I was little, He always held me when I batted Melissa's hands away and said I could do it all by myself, and even when I chose to embrace them. And He was there when Mommy was(is) leading me through too. He has been there every step of the way and I need Him to help me to take the steps I'm going to take in the future.
My mommy helped me so much along the way, but it is time to let go of her hand. As much as I wish I could still follow right behind my mommy, as much as I wish I could stay with her longer and have her keep holding my hand, it is time that I start walking with my Jesus all by myself. The time has come where I should kiss my mommy and thank her for leading me here to this place I'm at now, and take hold of my Jesus' hand and let Him carry me to this next big stone that I'm getting ready to jump to, which is 8,500 miles away.
Now that I'm older, I fear doing it all by myself. I don't want to leave my mommy, my daddy, or my family, but I know that because my Jesus has carried me all this time, He will carry me even through this. Because HE is bigger than any leap I will take or any obstacle that will be in my way. This is what He has called me to do, so I know He'll be everything I will need Him to be.

And I'm praying and hoping that God will give me the chance to hold Melissa's hand and teach her what it's like to walk along those stones with our Jesus even though I'm so far away. Because obviously her mommy didn't do a very good job at showing her and she deserves to have someone to show her the way too.

And hopefully someday I'll get to hold my little girl's hand as we leap across the stepping stones together and I teach her the very things my mommy and my Jesus taught me.

Uganda trip!

My heart is so full.

Today, we were finally able to buy our plane tickets(for my sister Carissa and me)  to go to Uganda in September! Set in stone. No more obstacles to get over, no more pain-in-the-butt airlines to deal with, no more long hours for my poor mommy to figure out if there's yet another way to get us there in September. We are GOING! And the only way that all of that worked is that our God is SO faithful and He ALWAYS comes through when He promises He will. He is good. ALL the time. I give Him and Him alone all the glory for that because there is no other way it could've worked out!

We were able to buy our tickets for just over $300 a piece because my parents each had been collecting frequent flyer miles ever since November of 2005, when they went to Korea to adopt my sweet little sister Kimberly. Seven years ago they started collecting those miles, having no idea what God had in mind for them.

A few years ago, Carissa and I felt the call to go to Uganda, Africa. We felt it at different times. She felt it a little while before I did, but we were both definitely called. But God has not and has not called us to do the same ministry while we're there. She has a passion to open up a special needs group home for kids and to serve as a physical therapist. That is exactly the reason my family has moved to Guatemala(to open up a special needs group home for kids) and you can just tell by the way she works with and loves on those kids that that is what she is called to do!

I, on the other hand, do not have a specific ministry in mind. I don't know exactly what work I am supposed to do when I get there, but I do know that have a passion for my Jesus who died for me and who has shown me an incredible love that I could never, ever deserve. He gave me hope in my life back when I thought there was none.

As you likely know, my biological sister Ashley and I were put into foster care when I was 7 and then we were adopted when I was 10. To make a very, very long story short, I was a little girl with no hope. I was taken away from my mommy and daddy, who (even though they were very far from being perfect) were my world. They were ripped out of my life, and I was expected to live on, I was expected to make it in life without them. I thought that was going to be impossible.
But God is indescribably wonderful and faithful and He sent my biological sister and me a hope we could have never imagined. He sent us the most beautiful physical gift I have ever recieved. And that gift was my family that I now have. They are the most incredible family anyone could ever ask for.
Not only did they step up and be the family I so desperately needed, they taught me a love I had never known before. And that was(and still is) the incredible love of my Jesus. They not only taught us about this incredible love with words, they showed it to us by the way they lived. And they showed us what it's like to love our Jesus back, and what it's like to serve Him, and to follow radically after Him.
God placed those people in my life at the exact moment I needed them. I was given a hope and a new perspective on life . They were the hands and the feet of my Jesus since He was not here on this earth to take care of me Himself.

My passion is to do the very same thing.
Whether I work in a feeding program, open a clinic, open an orphanage, or do street evangelism, I want to love. I want to teach them the love that our Jesus has for them, I want to bring hope they never could've imagined. Not only do I want to teach it to them, I want to live it out! I want to love them and I want to bring hope in their seemingly hopeless situations. I want to be the hands and feet of my Jesus. I want to pour myself out to others so that they may learn how to love Him back, to serve, and to live radically for Him. And then maybe they can share that very love with others around them.

I understand that I can't do this on my own. I know that I am weak and small and that when I'm all by myself, I can't make a difference. But I know that with an incredibly HUGE God living inside of me, I can do anthing. As long as I'm trusting Him with all I am, following Him wherever He leads, serving others as much as I can, and loving others as He loves me, He will change Uganda in a radical way.

I must admit that while I was waiting for God to provide these tickets. I had moments where I lost patience, I got upset and discouraged, and I had times where I wasn't trusting. And there are definitely times where I start to get scared thinking about what the future might hold because this is such a huge, new step in life for me to take. But all in all, I'm learning to trust God, even when it seems impossible or when it seems like every possible door has been closed in my face. When God calls, He provides. Anytime I start to doubt or fear, He reminds me that He is still good and He still has a plan way bigger and better than I have planned. He reminds me that if I just close my eyes and let Him sweep me away in His never-ending grace and undying love, He will make it all worth it.

So I ask all of you to pray with me as we prepare for, take the trip, and return from the trip. Prayers are definitely needed that I will know exactly what God wants me to do with this call He has for me, and that I will have the courage to follow it, no matter what it may be. And that we will get the rest of our support!
I am SO excited about this trip, and I will make sure that I keep you all posted during the whole process!
God bless!

Naivety and trying to grow up

When you're little, your mind is so full of so many different kinds of dreams. Someday you'll be an astronaut, the president of the United States, an artist, a teacher, an athlete, a fire fighter, or a singer. You are so naiive and think that anything can happen if you just dream about it.

When I was little, I wanted to be a lot of things. First, I wanted to be an artist because that was what my biological dad did, and I wanted to be just like him. Then I wanted to be a singer, then just anyone famous, then a librarian, and then I wanted to be a nurse.
I would lose time playing "house" and pretending that I was the best of the best and I had all the control and nothing could ever touch me. Because I was, afterall, a pretty amazing little person, so I would someday turn out to be a pretty amazing big person, right?
It's incredible what naivety can make you think!

But someday that naivety and childishness needs to fade away and it comes time for you to start learning wisdom and how to be an adult[still working on this..].

I would've never guessed in a million years what my life would turn out to be like(and I still don't know what is in store for me in my future!). I know that I still have a long way to go in my story and I know that it's just starting for me, but I would've never imagined that I would be where I am where I am right now.
I am kid number 4 of a family of 10 kids, living in Guatemala, learning a new culture and language, serving in ministry, heading to Uganda, Africa to serve my Jesus, whom I have come to know and love. Hah. Waaay far away from what I ever had planned in my own mind.
But I love it and I wouldn't change it for the world! <3

When I was little, I thought that by now I would still be living in the states, going to college for my nursing degree, working on a long relationship with a guy that I would someday soon marry, have it all together and have my future all planned out. Everything should have been a piece of cake!

Ironically, none of that is part of the reality I look at right now. I am now in Guatemala, I am not going to college for any degree, I do not have a boy friend, and I most certainly do not have it all together. I have nothing planned out.

Sometimes I get myself overwhelmed at this fact(that I have nothing planned out) and I lose control and get upset and start doubting myself and God. How could I be 19 years old and still not be who God wants me to be? How can I still be so naive and have such a long way to go until I get to be where I feel like I should be?

God has way different plans than we could ever dream of or hope for, far more complex and confusing that we could ever have imagined, and sometimes they're just plain scary. Why in the world would He choose ME to be here in Guatemala and in a short while be in Uganda doing things I never ever imagined I could do? Why would He ask of me to be so far away from my friends and family in places that I'm not comfortable in? Why couldn't He just have given me what I wanted when I wanted it and left it there?

Sometimes I find myself asking that question. And as soon as that question enters my mind or slips out of my mouth, I stop and I realize just how rediculous that really is. Isn't God's call for us to be uncomfortable, preaching and teaching His name and about His big love that He has for ALL? Isn't THAT our purpose in life, to bring God and God alone all the glory possible in this tiny bit of time we are given? Aren't we supposed to give everything to Him because He is the One who gave it to us in the first place? And shouldn't we trust Him in the way He is going to handle it? Isn't that what all of this is about?
Sadly enough, I think we all confuse ourselves of what the real meaning of being a disciple is about. Slowly over time we choose our comfort and our wants and subconciously(or sometimes very conciously) change what His call is.

His call is to follow Him to the places He is going to lead us, no matter where, how hard, to whom, or whatever it may cost. We are to give up EVERYTHING and follow with wreckless abandon and trust that He is worth it(because He IS).

His gift of love and eternal life is freely given to all who choose to recieve it. Anyone who wants to learn about Him and His great love can do so, and if they really seek, they WILL find. And those who really believe in Him will someday experience eternal life.
But there is a rule. And that rule is: freely recieve, freely give. We are required to give love and teach it to anyone and everyone, whether we like them or not, no matter what they have done to us, whether they initially want it or not, or whether they choose to deny it or not. It is required of us. To EVERYONE.
This has been especially hard for me in recent days. I am required to share Jesus's beautiful love with EVERYONE around me. It doesn't matter if I'm fighting with that person, no matter if I like them, how well I know them, how well I wish I didn't know them, what I've done to them, or what they have done to me. Jesus loved the very people who spit at Him and put Him on a cross. He LOVED them.
The same is required of me. No student is greater than his teacher. I must follow in His steps. "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps." 1 Peter 2:21

Even though I have chosen a path that I have no idea where it will lead me, I must trust. I must have faith and know that He is God and I am not. I must remember that His call requires EVERY part of me. And even though it is hard to show it, I must love others as Christ loved me.
No one man is greater than another. No matter who you become or what you end up doing with your life, as long as you are serving God and loving Him more with each and every passing day and teaching others that great love, it is all worth it in the end. God doesn't just use the famous or glamorous people. He can use ANYONE as long as they are willing and choose Him! You can do anything you want in this life, but if you aren't learning to love our amazing God more and more through it and if you're not loving others through it, it is worth nothing and you might as well not do anything at all. If He is not being brought the most amount of glory possible, we are just wasting our time and His.
We must tell anyone and everyone of this great love that we have found in Jesus Christ. We must fight through comfort and anything else that might be put in our way. We must trust our Jesus and follow through with what He asks of us. And He promises to hold us and help us through every step we take.

"If you want to succeed in ANYTHING in life, you have to fight through the comfort zones."

God's Beauty

There are so many things here on this earth that I would consider to be beautiful.. there are so many things that simply take my breath away. Like walking on the cobble stone streets here, in Guatemala and gazing at the beautiful run-down walls with the brightly colored flowers spilling out over top. Like walking down the street and seeing a precious little girl grasping the hand of her mommy or daddy as she stares at me in awe because I have white skin and I look different than her but she gives me a sweet little smile and says "hola" anyways. Like the freedom I feel when I stand on our rooftop, arms stretched out wide, feeling the gentle breeze flicking the hair off my shoulders, mountains so close that if I could stretch my arm out just a little bit farther I could touch them, so much color on all the streets and on every house, and the clear skies drenching me with sunlight. Like spending time with my amazing family, knowing that there is no other place on earth I'd rather be but in the same room as them, sharing the same love and deep passion for our Jesus. Or even simply gazing into the beautiful eyes of my sweet little Genaro and being able to understand how amazing of a little guy he is, even if he can't run around like the other seven year old's and even if he can't tell me exactly what is on his mind on any given moment. I could just sit with him for hours and hours and listen to him tell me every story he could think of, and me having no idea of a single thing he is saying because the only distinguishable word he can say is the word, "hola". And boy is he so proud to be able to say it to you! :)
God has been good to us and has blessed us in such incredible ways with all the beauty that surrounds us.. and most of the time I forget to stop and lift my head and thank Him for it. He did that all for us, for me. And not only has He blessed us with beautiful things around us, but He has also blessed us with the beautiful promise that says,

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

and also:

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" -Jeremiah 29:11-13

and:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

and:

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.." -Isaiah 41:10


And though God did created some pretty amazing things and though He did promise beautiful promises, there are many things that I would not consider to be beautiful. Like when I let the lies of the enemy seep into my mind without me knowing until I've faded off from God more than I realized. Like running from God, or dragging your feet for a while simply because you're scared of what He has asked you to do next. Like when I look back and remember some things from my past. The first thing that comes to mind would definitely not be the word "beautiful," I think it would be quite the opposite, actually. I remember so many things that I just wish I could forget.
Sometimes I hate remembering. Sometimes I just wish it could all go away..
Sometimes I get plain mad. I hate having to live with consequences that I didn't cause and I hate having to live with decisions I didn't make. Sometimes I hate it that I wasn't born into my family that I now have, and I hate it that I had to spend the first 7 1/2 years of my life away from them. Sometimes I hate it that even though I still love my biological parents more than they could ever understand, they don't love me back.

And sometimes I hate it that I don't always remember that God is still beautiful even in times that are hard. Sometimes I don't remember that beauty can even come from the times that are dark and scary and from pain and from brokenness. It can come in THE hardest times in your life, THE toughest situations, and THE most ugly-seeming circumstances. And it can come from remembering.
It just depends on from whose perspective you're looking at it.

Looking from a mere human's perspective(so small, insignificant, foolish, selfish and whiny), it would seem dark and anything but beautiful. Because we have a perspective that is so small and it is so hard for us to stop and think things through and see the big picture(partially because of those things I listed, and partly because we are not God, so we just can't).

But looking from God's perspective(so BIG, loving, wonderful, and the very definition of beauty), it is still beautiful and it all makes sense. He is the creator of ALL things and He has a plan for all things, so we can rest in Him in all things.. even though we tend to forget this.

When you are remembering and looking at things from God's perspective, it all makes sense. And while looking at things from His perspective, you come to understand things in a better way that you ever thought you could. It's a real eye-opener.

When I look back, I can see so many times where God held me. I can see how many times He was still good to me and still showed me His big love for me even before I knew of it or knew of Him. I can see that He was never out of reach, and that He was there the whole time holding my hand and holding me together, even when it felt like everything was falling apart.
..Not that He showed me specific instances where He was there, but in general. God showed me His faithfulness through the years, He showed me that He had a purpose in mind for it all. And God showed me 2 interesting ways to help me understand all this.

First, it's like when you meet someone for the first time. Before that moment of actually meeting them and knowing they exist, you couldn't feel them in the world, you didn't know they existed. But now that you do know them, you can see that all this time they've been there.. you just didn't know it yet.
And it's the same with God. Though when I was younger I didn't hear from Him and I didn't feel or know Him, I can look back and know that He was always there. I just hadn't met Him yet. And now that I know Him, I can get to know Him better and I can know that He was always there all along. Make sense?

Second, is in John 9, where Jesus heals the man born blind. They were walking by and  saw a blind man(Jesus and His disciples) when His disciples looked at Him and asked, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
And Jesus' beautiful response was this, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned..but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Then He spit on the ground, made mud, put it on the man's eyes and told him to go wash them in the Pool of Siloam. The man did as he was told, and suddenly he had his sight.
I can imagine(yes, I imagine it, it's not necessarily true) that this man may have been angry and didn't understand why he had to be born blind. I'm sure at some point he had thoughts of Why did I have to be born this way? Why can't I be like the others? Why am I given this curse? And I'm sure he didn't understand why he had to be born that way. But little did he know, God was looking after him all along. God had a plan for him and God was faithful, even if the man couldn't see it. And you can see this in what Jesus said, "..this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." God had a greater plan and purpose for him that he probably could've never imagined!
At first glance, sure you'd think of his circumstance it negatively, right? Looking from the human perspective, it only looks bad, it seems like nothing good could be made of it.
But God had a beautiful plan in mind for his life. Because of this man's blindness, Jesus was able to perform an incredible miracle!

Beauty doesn't come in just pretty or good-seeming things. Beauty can come in anything negative or ugly-seeming. We just have to learn to have the faith in Jesus to trust that He has a beautiful plan in mind even for all the difficult stuff. We have to learn to have faith in Him because He is not going to just bless us off the bat.
In Jeremiah it doesn't say, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will find me and I will bless you in all that you do and I will show myself to you even though you're not doing anything in return.'"
No. It says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" -Jeremiah 29:11-13
We have to actually do something! We have to learn to trust, have faith, seek Him with all that we are. And when we give Him all we are, He will bless us and teach us His beauty behind what He does.

This is hard stuff. It is hard to get out of our own bubble of not-trusting-ness, and non-faithfulness, and pessimistic-ness, I know. It is hard to let go of anger, hurt, and hard feelings you once had(or still do have). But if we want to gain His wisdom on life, if we want to learn to see His beauty and His grace and mercy in our lives, we must change our outlook on it all.

I am just now learning not to just pretend that everything was okay and just avoid the ugly situation. I am just now learning to look at it right in the face and see it as it is and see that true beauty can come from it. I just have to believe and seek Him and trust God to show me.
And I challenge all of you to do the same.

Learning to walk

One Saturday night, I was walking around the beautiful courtyard at the McDonalds in Antigua, holding tightly to the little hands of Vanessa(my youth pastor's 11 month old little girl). I absolutely love babies and little kids(especially THAT little one ;)), so it was a blast to go with her as she practiced her walking. And as we were walking together, God showed me something..

Her tiny little fingers holding onto my big ones, her little white shoes walking between my long brown ones, her soft little voice giggling with my obnoxiously loud one amazed me. She is so small, and it made me seem so big.

Each half-step I took was like 3 steps for her little legs. She was constantly trying to keep up with me on our journey around the courtyard. But because she has tiny little legs, her feet kept getting tangled up behind. So every few steps I'd have to stand there and hold her up until she untangled them and put them back in the right places. Then we could begin walking. But sooner than I'd realize she'd get all tangled up again, so I'd have to wait for her to get right. And so the cycle went on and on.
She's new at this whole walking thing, so she's learning as she goes. And though she just kept almost falling, she kept trying because she knew I was there to catch her everytime she almost fell. She knew I wouldn't let her fall because I was there for her, holding her up, ready to catch her.
And even though she's so small and even though she's still new at it and is still learning how to get it right, a couple times she thought she could do it alone. A couple times she tried to let go of my hand; she tried to be a big girl and do it by herself. But of course [because she can't do it on her own] she almost crashed. But each time I was prepared and I knew what she was going to do. So each time she tried to let go, I was there to pick her back up, to put her back on her feet, to help her try again. She is not yet ready to walk on her own, she doesn't know how to balance herself and she doesn't have the coordination just yet to take each step carefully and accurately. She needs someone to be there with her and show her how it is done.
After a couple times of failing, she realized she couldn't do it on her own. She clung so tightly to me for the rest of the walk until we looped back around to the table and sat with Mommy Katie and took a little rest.
But my time with Vanessa wasn't about the walking. It wasn't about making sure we made a complete loop around the McDonalds courtyard and a stop at the fountain and gaze at the statue turtles. It was about spending time with Vanessa. I wanted to laugh with her, to teach her a few things, to get to know her. I love my special time with her, I love her.

Little Vanessa is just like me in my walk with God. My hands are so small compared to His, my feet insignificant next to His, and my voice so much smaller than His and it's unbelievable. I am always trying to keep up with Him on this journey. His leaps are so much bigger and quicker than I'm ready to take, so I'm always left in a tangled mess, constantly scrambling to grab and take hold of whatever I can, having to be straightened out by Him.
And even though I'm still learning, even though I'm not ready and I can't do it on my own, I try letting go. I try being a big girl and I try to do it all by myself. But I always end up almost crashing, and sometimes I do fall and even end up with scraped knees. But God always knows when I'm getting ready to let go, so He's always ready to help me back up, to brush me off, to put my feet where they need to be so we can keep moving forward. He doesn't force me to stay with Him in His arms.. Sometimes He lets me go. Because it is only when I experience life without Him that I can realize how much I truly need Him right by my side, holding me in every step I take. Without my Jesus, I am nothing and I can't make it on my own.

The ugly thing about the falling is that sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I blame God that I can't do it myself. Sometimes I focus so hard on why I can't have what I want that I lose grip of reality. Sometimes I want to just throw my hands up in the air because I have fallen yet again and I might as well just say down there because there is no hope, I will never be able to do it. Sometimes I let my frustration grow so big that He leaves me there until I can come to grips.. until I have bled enough that I realize He is my only hope in making it stop.

But the beautiful thing about the falling is when He picks me up again. Even though He has every right to and [in my eyes] should've left me there a thousand times ago, He helps me anyways. He still chooses to give me another chance. He still loves me and He wants to help me try it again.

But I don't learn like Vanessa. After falling all the way down so many times, after trying it all by myself, after learning the hard way that I can't do this without Him, I still do it anyways. Time after countless time I try to let go. And time after countless time it ends up the same way. I always end up with skinned knees, dirty hands, and sometimes a bump on my forehead. It always ends up with me broken, hurt, and begging Him to help me up again because without Him I am nothing. And each time He gladly takes me by the hand, brushes me off, and begins walking again.

It's so frustrating and ironic when I choose to wallow in self-pity instead of running into God's arms. Because needing God is the beauty of it. THAT is the amazing part of this ride. Being able to trust that He is perfect and good and beautiful and that HE will help carry me to His will for me is the incredible part. Knowing that I need Him and knowing that He will give me everything I will ever need and knowing that He will help carry me through is the amazing part. Spending time with Him, getting to know Him, holding His hand, and laughing through life WITH Him makes it all worth it. Being together and walking hand-in-hand with my Daddy is FUN. THAT is the most amazing part. This life is not about the journey or the steps you take. I mean, those things are important.. but this life is about learning who Jesus is, spending time with Him and getting to know Him. Our eyes should constantly be on Him as He leads us through. Because above all else, we are to LOVE our Jesus because He loves us.

How could I ever forget that?

Vanessa will grow up to be an amazing little girl. She'll learn how to do it on her own, she'll be able to be a big girl and do the steps all by herself. In many, many years she grow to be a mature young lady, have her own family and have her own little one to teach how to walk.
But I will always be this little girl. I will always need the help of my Daddy holding me up as I take these steps in life. I won't ever be able to do this on my own.
But hopefully as I grow, the stumbling will lessen, and the not trusting will stop. Hopefully someday I will learn to not let go. Because it is so amazing to know that He will ALWAYS be there and that I am ALWAYS welcome in His arms. He is ALWAYS everything I will ever need, even when I think I don't need Him. As I grow in this walk with Him, He will never let go of my hand.
He will always walk with me, even through the hard and the difficult and the impossible. Because I am His little girl and He likes spending time with me. He likes teaching me the steps, He likes showing me how to do it. He likes being bigger than me, with the longer leaps, the booming and over-powering voice. He likes picking me up and dusting me off. Because each time He does it, He gets to show how faithful He is. I am able to trust Him a little more. And each time He picks me up again, I cling to Him a little tighter than the time before. My Daddy will never, ever fail me. I never, ever have to do this on my own because He loves me. And because He is the God of second, third, fourth, and fifth chances.

Almost 2,000 years ago, it was the darkest night Jesus' disciples had ever known. After spending nearly 3 years with this incredible person, learning from His teachings, watching His miracles, and experiencing His extravagant love, it came to an end. Jesus had told them this day was coming.
The Jesus that first called them, who healed the sick, who spoke mostly through wisdom-packed parables, who handed out food for 5,000 and then 4,000 people, the One who walked on water, who demanded EVERYTHING of them and the One to whom they gave it all was dead. One of their best friends, the most incredible person who ever walked on the earth was killed. And it was over. It was finished.
They lowered His blood-soaked, naked body from the cross and laid it in a tomb and sealed it off with a huge stone. The Jesus they had grown to love was dead. How could this happen?
Locked inside their homes for the night, with the lights dimmed, they hid out of fear that the Romans would find and kill them too. I'm sure they were all in shock about what had just happend. ...Except for Judas, of course.
Let's back the story up a little bit..

The Lord's Supper. It was the Passover feast, and Jesus was talking to His disciples. And to their shock and surprise, He says something they would've never expected. "I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me." And each one, of course went around and asked, "Surley not I, Lord?"
Jesus confirms it. One of the very men sitting around the table, feasting with the rest would indeed betray Jesus. And He says, "It would be better for him if he had not been born." Looking around at each other, sad, confused, mouths gaping open, I'm sure. One of US is going to betray our Jesus!?
Then Judas looks at Him and asks, "Surely not I, Rabbi?" (even though he had already made the deal with the chief priests to give him 30 coins for turning Him in) Jesus looks at him and says, "Yes, it is you." And He continues with the feast. He breaks the bread and passes around the wine. They sang, and then they went up to the Mount of Olives.
On the mountain, Jesus informs them, "This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written..." and then He tells of the prophesy in Zecharaiah. But Peter looks at Him and assures Him, "Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will."
And to Peter's shock Jesus answers, "I tell you the truth, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." What!?

I truely believe Peter wasn't trying to lie when He told Jesus that. I truly believe he thought he had more faith and love than he actually did, and really thought He would never cower away. But despite the love and faith he had in Jesus, it wouldn't be enough. He would still betray Him.
Then at Gethsemane, Jesus asks His followers to go with Him and wait for Him as He went and prayed alone. He begged God to take His cup from Him.. Jesus was afraid of the wrath of God. And even though He didn't want to die, He prayed, "Yet not as I will, but as you will." or in the NLT it says, "Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." And three times He came out to see His disciples and found them all sleeping.
Frustrated, I'm sure, He says, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!" And as Jesus was saying this, Judas walked up with a crowd of people ready to take Jesus away.
Judas greeted Jesus with a kiss to let the chief priests know which was the One they had been searching for. They arrested Him and took Jesus away. And it says, "Then all the disciples deserted him and fled." They really did "fall away on account of me" like Jesus said..
They took Jesus to the Sanhedrin to the high priest Caiaphas so that Caiaphas could find a charge against Him and kill Him. After asking Jesus if He really did claim He was the Son of God, he got his answer. "Yes, it is as you say." Jesus didn't deny it. He really was the Son of God.
After declaring Him worthy of death, Caiaphas took Him to the governer Pilate.
And on Jesus' way to Pilate, Peter denies Jesus three times just like Jesus said he would. Three times he blatantly denied his sweet Jesus. And immediately after denying Him the third time, the rooster crowed and Peter realized what he had done.
After the chief priests declared Jesus worthy of death, Judas went out and hanged himself. He realized all he had done and felt so guilty that it over took him.

Pilate, not wanting to actually kill Jesus because he knew He was an innocent man and his wife had dreams about Jesus, tried to persuade the crowds away from wanting Jesus crucified. But despite his efforts, the just kept yelling, "Crucify him, crucify him!" Every year as tradition, he set a prisoner free. So he gave the choice between Jesus and Barabbas. The crowds chose to set Barabbas free, so Pilate washed his hands on it. He would have this Jesus killed. He had Him flogged first and then it says,

"Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. 'Hail, king of the Jews!' they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took of the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then the led him away to crucify him."

They FLOGGED, MOCKED, and HUMILIATED my Jesus.
They put Jesus up there, on the cross, naked, so badly beaten, thirsty, and with robbers on either side of Him. They put the King of Kings and Lord of Lords of up there, in a place He didn't belong. They put nails through His wrists and through His feet and they put Him up there with robbers. And as people passed by they said, "You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself!" and the soldiers mocked Him too.

But instead of coming down, instead of saving Himself, He stayed up there. He took the insults, the spit, the mockery, the humiliation. He didn't come down because if He had, the salvation we now know would never have come. He had to stay there if He was going to save the world like He said He would. And after six hours of being up there, He cried out in a loud voice, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Then a few verses later it says, "And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit." The Roman soldiers checked to make sure He was dead by piercing His side with a spear.
They took Him down and buried Him an a tomb of a man Joseph who the Bibles says, "who had himself become a disciple of Christ."
They guarded the tomb to make sure the disciples wouldn't take away His body on the third day because they knew of the prophesy, "After three days I will rise again."

Overwhelmed with all kinds of SO many different emotions, they had to live with this news.
He was dead. My Jesus was dead. They killed my Jesus. They had beaten Him and they hung Him on a cross.
I get overwhelmed with anger. How could they do it? And how could all the disciples fall away? If they all said they loved Him so much, how could they really cower away like that? How could Judas betray Him and Peter deny Him? If it was real love, if they really cared about Him, how could they let all that happen?

I can tend to get carried away with being angry at the ones who did that to my Jesus. I condemn them for the terrible people they were.. But it is every bit as much my fault as it was theirs.
I still sin every single day, I still betray Him everytime I decide not to do what He wants me to do, I still cower away from Him when He asks me to take the next big step in my life..
So I might as well have been the one holding the whip, ripping away at His skin.. I might as well have been the one with the hammer, drilling the nails into His arms and His feet. I might as well have been one of the soldiers mocking and humiliating Him.
As much as it hurts to say and as much as I HATE it, I killed my Jesus. I did it.
So the question I should be asking is: How could I do it? If I say I truly love Him, how could I betray Him? How could I let this happen?

I absolutely love to sit down and read the Gospels. I love to read about what my Jesus did and what He said. I pour over pages, desperately seeking out His wisdom, His love, and His compassion because He calls me to be just like Him. And as I read and reread all of His miracles and His humility, I am completely blown away. He was PERFECT in EVERY way, He never, EVER failed(we all know that, I am just simply stating that truth because it is, in fact TRUTH).
And even though I have heard the story of Jesus being betrayed and crucified a million times, and though I have read it countless times with my own eyes, I still find myself broken and heavy-hearted over and over again. He went through all of that for me. For me. 

I understand that God chose me to be in His story because I am nothing and that way He can get ALL the glory for all that He's doing in me now and what He will do in me in the future. But I am still overwhelmed with confusion as to why in the WORLD He would love me so much to endure all that He did. Why would He love me so much that would make Him give up EVERYTHING just so that someday I might know Him and learn to love Him? He went through all that betrayal, that dark place, that hard.. and He goes through it every single day for ME. Why!?
The only reason that I can come up with is that HE is so perfect and so GREAT in love. His love is far bigger than I can ever try to begin to understand. He is WONDERFUL and GOOD and so full of MERCY.. and THAT is why He loves me. Not because of me or who I am, but because of who HE is. And I know that is 100% truth. And I rest in that answer, and I lean on it to be my faith and my hope.
There is NOTHING that I could EVER do to deserve all that He did for me. There is nothing I could ever do to repay the cost it took to take my sins away. And when looking at things in the right perspective, no sacrifice I could ever make would compare to what He sacrificed for me. All the things I think are so hard and ridiculous that He is asking me to give up are nothing. Because I still have my Jesus. He still loves me and paid the penalty for me to be with my Heavenly Father someday. And it is worth it. It is worth the hard and the pain, because HE is everything to me.

So though they call it "Good Friday," I mourn. Because my Jesus was murdered on this day almost 2,000 years ago. My heart feels so heavy and I feel so guilty for being the wretched human I am. I did that to my Jesus.
So this is a night that I mourn, but I also give thanks. Because He was willing to pay that price. I am SO THANKFUL that He would do that for me, I will FOREVER and always be in His debt. I owe Him my very life and SO much more.

But... you know the story didn't end there with His death, right...?